Happy Festivus Everyone!!

Yes, everything is ready. After the airing of grievances tonight I'm pretty sure I can get my mother in law in a pretty good head lock. Wish me luck!

Secret Santa Can suck it Part ll

Once again it is time for Bee's Sucking Santa game.I was given victim Whitney of

knitinpublic.com So here goes.





Whitney is young and enjoys knitting and Haikus.Since I can't knit I have written her a Haiku or two. I hope you like them Whitney.



My mustache necklace

I like fucking plastic dolls

Minichill kill you







And here is a special cinquain which is like a haiku but different:

Chico

Chico is banned.

My mom don't like my dog.

He won't pee on the floor at night.

Woof, woof.

I would give Chico a free pass if I could. Poor thing.

And one last Haiku inspired by that sappy Sound of Music song, Favorite Things:

Boobs on gingerbread
The Santa dudes in speedos.

A few favorite things.

And there you go Whitney, your own mustache necklace and a free pass for Chico. Merry Merry Christmas! Some weird thing is wrong with the spacing, sorry.

Jean Knee Delivers the Goods

Yes it is once again that jolly time of year: the class Christmas party. Last year was sooo stressful when the first grade Nazi leader, czar--whatever she calls herself, assigned me bottled water for the party. It better be the exact size and brand of all the other bottled water at every other first grade party. The pressure was immense but I managed.

This year the second grade room mother said to me, "Can you bring a sweet? we already have goldfish and fruit.?" Uhhhm, how to answer how to answer. JK "Yes, sure what kind of sweet?"

RM "Oh any kind just make it cute, Brooke's mom brought reindeer cookies last year."
JK " So reindeer cookies?"
RM "Anything you like"
JK "drool, panic,silent cursing"
Sure she said any kind of sweet, but I heard specific words "reindeer cookies". Crap

I searched on line and found a lot of different kinds, but good gravy they all involved 25 step directions and 30 minutes per cookie. Gack, I barely move all day long and they want me to do hours of cookie decorating??

Went to Walmart and dodged the Salvation Army guy jingling his loud bell and bellowing "Merry Christmas" at me. S#it, isn't panhandling at a public place illegal? Should I call the cops? No time, the reindeer are calling. Then I dodged around a couple of Walmart babies (you know toddlers in only a diaper running all over like fat guys at a free buffet). Where are all the ingredients???? I continued running all over, so thankful that this wasn't Kmart where any second a red light special would be announced and I would be crushed underfoot by housewives wanting to save .25 on a large bottle of tidy bowl.

PANIC, RUN ... help. Then Lean holds up these candy sticks begging me unmercifully for them. Yes, get 'em keep going. buh buh buh reindeer buh bu

And then I spied them. Cute cupcakes white with red sprinkles, wouldn't they look darling with the candy sticks? It's a sweet right? what to do, what to do....I went for it.

We took the cupcakes home, stuck the candy sticks in them and made North Pole cupcakes, yess. Took less than five minutes.

Reindeer cookies were not even mentioned at the party. Of course some of the uhh, children were concerned that their cupcake had a hole in it. No s#it moron, it had a candy stick in it.

No I didn't say it out loud.

probably

Asswipes of America, Lend Me Your Rears

If you've watched TV at all this week (except for you Brian) you have noticed it is green week. Many shows have an ecological propaganda-ish slant. Go green. On Thursday night environmental prophet, Father Al Gore, will be in the line up just like last year. I, like the next person, totally support going green and protecting our environment just as long as it takes no effort or money on my part. Go green!

To celebrate I am introducing you to a new green product: re-useable asswipes (in rainbow colors) yea! Just look at these darling things. Economical and very small and portable. EXCEPT.....what do you do with them after you wipe your ass? I guess you could keep a decorated asswipe can next to your toilet bowl like the diaper pails of old. That could work but what to do on the job? You could carry a ziploc bag in your pocket to keep used asswipes in. But, dang, ziplocks are BAD, they choke ducks or something. And gack what if you dug for change to add to the parking meter and instead you whipped out a bag of used asswipes. uhm, eww And really is there enough bleach anywhere to make you feel they are properly clean?

These might be a bad idea. Let's see what the creator of re-useable asswipes has to say about them. Why use my asswipes: http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=21554174



Great. I am sooo very glad to have this new product. While you're on the link why not check out re-useable tampons with a wet bag. ew

Just the Other Day: A Story Of Horror

Just the other day I was outside playing with my dogs when I noticed a humongous fuzzy caterpillar crawling on the ground. I had to act quick before Polka Dot slurped it up. I ran and got a jar, stuck him in and put a piece of paper over the opening so it couldn't get out. I was going to show Lean when she got out of school and I imagined we'd let it crawl all over enjoying its antics. "Look at him crawl!" "He's so big!" " Oh my gawwwwwwwwwwsh he's just so cute"

But dang, I forgot all about him until the next day. Uh oh, what if he's dead? The Horror!

But he wasn't dead, he had spun his chrysalis around himself inside the jar. Now we could watch him hatch out and see his first flight. It was gonna be so great!

Lean loved seeing him all cocooned up and so we just waited.

Last night I gathered up all the dirty glasses and ran the dishwasher cuz I'm all clean and organized like that. This morning I went to get Lean a clean glass and dear me I saw I had put the jar with the caterpillar in it through the dishwasher. Say it isn't so. It's so. He went through the entire cycle. The good thing is I didn't have it on disinfect or heated dry so he could possibly be okay. You think?

I hope PETA doesn't get wind of this.

Veteran's Day

I check my watch. As usual I'll have to hustle if I'm going to get there on time.
Great, the road's blocked off and the next road is one way. I'll have to take Austin Avenue downtown.

Okay, now look, I'm stuck behind a police car, flashing its lights and moving turtle slow. I fall back to keep a good distance between me and the law. He's moving even slower now if that is even possible. I check my watch. Huff a sigh, fall further back, keep putting along.

I notice a group of older women joyfully waving at me. I wave back. Across the street now a man with three boys all wave and yell as I drive by. Again I wave, these people all must know the wavin guy. I see still more groups waving and brandishing flags... DUH It's Veteran's Day.

I am in the Veteran's Day Parade. Not only in it, but leading it. The police cruiser is clearing the street for the parade to follow. Yikes!
I keep waving, everyone is so enthusiastic. I'm not a veteran, so maybe I shouldn't wave.

Wait a minute, my husband is a veteran. My father and grandfather are both veterans.
I used to march in the Veteran's Day Parade during high school, representing our flag corps. This celebration includes everyone, because everyone, in thousands of known and unknown ways, has been touched by a veteran.

I have as much right as anyone else to wave in this parade. I have this right because soldiers, both present and past, have served to endow me and every person here this right.

No, I won't allow this opportunity to pass me by. I putter and wave and don't once check the time.

I'm late picking Lean up from pre-school. I grab her hand and we run down Austin Ave. We become part of the crowd and now I'm an onlooker, waving, smiling, and honoring.


HEy IT'S AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE

Happy National Candy Corn Day!

Yes, October 30 is national candy corn day. mmm.

First made in the 1880's candy corn sales reach 20 million pounds per year. Yehawww that's a lot of candy corn.

I fall into the category that doesn't particularly like candy corn, but I do enjoy one or two pieces at Halloween. The new fangled flavors and Easter and Christmas candy corn have never grabbed me either. So pretty much I leave it to others to enjoy.

Until this year. Now they have chocolate covered candy corn. Chocolate; now who doesn't love things covered in chocolate? I have a lovely package of the said confecction which I will be sharing with my extended family tonight. I will of course let you know if it is a yummy as it sounds

UPDATE: chocolate covered candy corn is pretty good

Boo Humbug

We finally got boo'd, for the very first time. Boo virgins no longer baby!

So booing is kinda like a chain letter only fun and you won't die a horrible death if you break it. Someone sends you a bag of Halloween goodies and within two days you send two other neighbors a bag of goodies and so on blah blah. You place a boo sign on your door so you won't be boo'd again because that's not fair and this is America.

We opened our goodies and made up two more boo bags of stuff, plus two kewl skeletons with green light up eyes, Oh Yeah! AND we placed the boo sign out like we were supposed to do. Because I always follow directions as you may know. It was fun getting everything together and delivering the surprises to doors WITHOUT a BOO sign.
To my absolute horror one of the houses had already been boo'd but did not put the sign out so this was their second stinkin boo, cheater pants! Not only that but they refused (at least so far) to boo anyone else and still after being boo'd twice won't put out the sign. CHEATERS!!!

The other house had not yet been boo'd so that was good, we told them to put the sign out so they won't get boo'd again but they refuse to do it. OH the Horror!!

So I was getting all lathered up about it and ranting all around the house. My blood pressure was up and then I noticed how pathetic I am. MY GAWWWD, I have no life whatsoever, I'm almost as bad as a PTA mom sticking her nose all up in other people's business and I probably ruined it for my kid. ARRRRRGH


help

It's Getting Close, Do You Have Your Haunt On?

Halloween Candy Fail

Party Till the Crow Pecks Your Eyes Out

Yes once again it is almost Halloween, the most awesome day of the year. The birthday of Satan, or taxes, or my little ponies. I can never remember which.

And so to give you partay ideas, or bad dreams or something here is a party pack a customer ordered in apple green and hot pink. Drew predicted no one would by my friends because they are too creepy, but here a customer not only bought them but glammed them up with custom colors.

I would love to be at that party.

Budget Shrink

Lately I've been thinking I might need some psychological help. I don't hear voices or eat my toe jam on toast or anything that creepy. I have been a bit edgy around the elderly for a while now. I'm not entirely sure if it's them or me who is at fault (probably the elderly you know how they love to drive you tee totally insane with their inane stories about their cats. )

Today I was sent a sign. From above you may wonder? No, from Brian. He had this link to an electronic shrink program type thing.
Eliza So I decide to have a go at it. Here is a transcript from our session:

>Hello,I am Eliza.
*Hello, I am Jean Knee.
>Did you come to me because you are Jean Knee?
*No, what kind of stupid ass thing is that to ask?
>Why do you ask?
*I do not know
>Tell me more...What is it you really want to know?
* Is it morally worse to be mean to the elderly because of their decreased mental capacity?
>Can you elaborate on that?
*No
>You are being a bit negative.
* You are being a bit of an ass yourself.
>Perhaps you would like to be being a bit of an ass myself?
*Oh my gawwd - they've even outsourced shrinks to India
>Say, do you have any psychological problems?
*No
>Are you sure?
*Yes
>Are you sure?
*Yes
>Come, come elucidate your thoughts.
*Shove it
>OK... "You am being a bit of an ass yourself" . Tell me more

Here I just gave up because by now I was convinced Eliza must be elderly herself. And Indian.

Wordless Wednesday

Fo Paw

One day soon I will probably be beaten up by the elderly. I'm always clashing with them, who knows why. Here's a fun story that happened yesterday.

Perfect day for a pee wee football team, cool but just barely. My little girl is a cheerleader this year and it was our first game, yes!! Things were moving along; boys running around, girls yelling. Then my friend Dara walked over to see a baby in a stroller. It took a second I swear and then this hag bellowed out "YOU"RE IN MY WAY!!!!" so rudely. Dara said she was just crossing over to see the baby, okay she was sorry. It was one second that she was in front of the bellowing hag. So then she walked over to stand by me. I stood behind her and in my loudest hag bellowing voice screamed at her "YOU"RE IN MY WAY!!!!!" She snorted and said to me quietly "you're so bad" to which I said "I know". Ha, just let some old rude hag yell at my friend !

A few minutes later Dara walks over by the hag. The hag talks to her a minute and says "I'll see you at home" . Once again foot in mouth. It turns out it was her mother in law I was heckling.

In the end she thought it was funny so really all was well.

Bless Me, Father

There is an awesome candy store called It's Sugar. WoW
It is full of every candy you could ever imagine. mmmmm
I walked around that store in pure heaven. Looking, looking, not wanting to buy just any old thing. Then I spied them. Satellite Wafers. I see them in magazines all the time but I've never seen any in a store. I grabbed them quick.

They always look so cute and adorable, just like mini flying saucers. Perfect for a space party, would look cute on cupcakes, put them in a candy bar...on and on. And now, they were mine. I eagerly read all the important package information...made in Belgium; two wafers filled with colored ball candy ; cute little sunshine on the package. Ahhhhh, Satellite Wafers.

I opened the package and took a look. Well. Interesting, they looked just like communion wafers. I shook it and could hear the little balls rolling around inside. Still looks just like a communion wafer. Wonder if it tastes like a communion wafer? Hmmm I never can handle those things well. I know you're not supposed to chew them because who would chew Jesus? Usually the communion wafer sticks to the roof of my mouth because I don't dare chew it. Then it stays up in there for rest of the service.

I decided to just go for it and popped it into my mouth where it instantly stuck to the roof of my mouth. Ohhh but it was okay because since this wasn't a communion wafer I could chew it. I kinda chewed around on it and then the balls rushed out. I ate another and I swear I felt free of sin almost instantly. Who Knew?

Polka Dots Prevailed, Baby!

You've Got to Fight For Your Right to Polka Dots

I haven't read the constitution since civics class in eleventh grade but I'm pretty sure it promised me life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. Making my kid happy makes me happy. My kid wants polka dots: therefore Polka Dots = Happiness. Love the logic. So easy and so, well, logical.

Tomorrow is Lean's birthday party. She wanted a bowling party , check. Then last week she decides she wants pink and white polka dots as her party theme. It was last minute but I love me some polka dots and that little girl has my heart. To be sure everything is a go I went to the bowling alley and asked if I could bring my own plates and decorations with polka dots. The party coordinator said yes I could but I would be charged the same amount as if I were using their decorations. Kind of a rip off but it's polka dots, ya know? So I agreed. She was helpful and nice and helped me plan out the type of party I wanted. She told me to bring my decorations the day before so she would have them. Got It.

Don't got it. I called today and told the asst. manager, (let's just drop the t, shall we? it'll be more accurate) I had my party supplies could I drop them off? " Absolutely not, you can not bring in any outside items except for the cake", said the ass manager? WHAT?

JK:I was told that I could bring my own decorations because my daughter wanted Polka Dots.

ass manager: we provide everything, you can't bring your own things

JK: I have already purchased all the items and they can not be returned, I am using them at the party.

ass: Who told you you could bring them?

JK: the girl who set my party up

ass: she is the party coordinator she can't make that decision

JK: Can I speak to the manager please?

ass: the manager is not here, I am the ass manager and I am telling you NO YOU CAN"T DO THAT ( some other garbled stuff I don't remember because my blood was boiling making me lose partial hearing)

Now you all know that when confronted by adversaries I usually stand with my mouth agape unable to speak from shock. Not today. We are talking about Polka Dots.

JK: NO LISTEN TO ME ........ other loud stuff I don't remember because of my hearing loss due to rage. We went back and forth for a while. She finally told me I could call the manager tomorrow at 9:30.

So I call Drew on the phone and ask him to go put ass in her place--he can stay more focused and calm than I can. He tried, he failed. My gawwd what a woman. Ass called the party coordinator at home because she didn't believe us. Still she would not see reason.

Soooooo. The manager is calling us at 5:00 to try to resolve the matter. In the meantime I have the number of the corporate office on speed dial. If worse comes to worst we will move the party and Drew volunteered to stand in the parking lot with a sign saying the party has moved.

to be continued,............

Wordless Wednesday: Ninja Squirrel Edition

Compound It!

So anyway I was at Lean's school yesterday helping the teacher label the supplies. All was going well until she asked me to write homework on the red folders. Oh my gaaawwwd, I couldn't remember if homework was one word or two. I'm compound word challenged in a very bad way. Is it one word or two? I never know.

Crap, I was too embarrassed to ask. After all I used to be a teacher and dealt with homework daily. GAAACK! So I wrote it as one word with a slight gap between the e and the w so if needed I could add longer sticks on the w to make it two words. Oh the pressure. Finally the teacher took the class to the rest room (one word or two?). I dashed around like a super sleuth looking through papers on her desk, pulling out folders--there had to be something about homework somewhere. Hurry hurry hurry, they're coming back. She'll have to redo the folders and everyone will know I'm a ditz, Oh the horror!!! But then I saw it labeled on an in box (one word or two?). One word. ..... Kay

Lame Hedgehog Stuff

Here is the joke Brits find the funniest:
"Hedgehogs -- why can't they just share the hedge?"

REALLY? Brian, is this your favorite as well? I'm still chortling over it.





"Orphaned hedgehogs have adopted a hairbrush as their mother because of its bristly texture "

This is really just too much people. It's registering a ten on my spew at cuteness meter. I mean just look at those things. And that brush, wow. Who has hair that will work for?

May I Lend You a Hand?

Look what I bought today! I've always wanted a bloody stump hand.

Walking With Big Balls

I walk in the mornings now. Sometimes Polka Dot , Penny, Drew or Lean come with me. This morning I was on my own. Alone. Walking , day dreaming, thinking my own thoughts. Kinda nice.

As I turned into a new street I saw I picked up a straggler. Big Balls. He's a golden retriever with the biggest balls I have ever seen. They are enormous, and jiggly. He walked in front of me and all I could do was focus on his balls. Rude I know, but if you saw these things you wouldn't be able to take your eyes off them. Then that song by AC/DC started going through my mind. Over and over while I focused on the big balls of Big Balls. They kind of squish out his backside one at a time because they won't both fit at the same time. They kind of swish swish back and forth. Almost in time to the music going through my head. Then I started thinking how if you hung him from the ceiling you could use those things as punching bags. Big Balls probably wouldn't like it much. Swish swish, "I've got big balls..." I was home before I knew it, time flies while watching jiggly bits.
But you know what, usually by the end of my walk I'm thinking of stuff that needs to be done: Laundry, filthy dishes.... Only today I was singing in my head to the beat of swish swish.

What tune do you have going through your head right now?

A Fudge Surprise for Bee

mmmmmm, it's thumb lickin good!

Suicide is Painless

It is so broilingly, miserably hot here. It's been between 104 and 107. Yesterday my dog Penny did a curious thing. She sat in the middle of the yard, under a cloudless sky, in temperatures over 100. Not to mention the fact that she is a black lab. She absorbs any tiny bit of sun instantly. I put her in the shade of our back porch, poor thing must have been delirious.

Later I see she is back in the middle of the yard. I put her back on the porch. Moments later she is back in the sun. I take her some ice to cool off, she won't take it so I open her mouth and shove it in. She let it fall to the ground...thud. What's going on here?

Drew thinks she's trying to commit suicide. At first I just laughed , but then I started to think maybe she is trying to off herself. I mean if you're a dog your options are pretty limited. No access to guns or pills, can't suck on your car's tail pipe. I suppose you could drown in your dog bowl if there's enough water. Why else would she keep doing such a dumb ass thing?

I remember my brother's Oscar jumped out of his bowl and dried out on the floor. And what about the countless birds and squirrels that throw themselves into my car when they see me coming. Mere accidents or something else? It could be all part of the animal conspiracy but does that really make sense?

As far as I know I haven't caused any humans to try and buy the farm.

Happy Independence Day!!!

Buy something from my shop

Watch Out for That Dog Poop

We were out walking the neighborhood this morning enjoying the scorching heat, categorizing our various body aches, and yelling at dogs. By chance I looked down and saw that Drew was about to step in a gigantic pile of dog crap. My ninja sharp reflexes kicked in and I yelled, "DOO DOO!". Drew keeps walking, steps in it and says "what?"
"You walked in dog crap".
"Well, I didn't know what you were yelling about, you should have said ' watch out for that dog poo'. Besides it was dry"

Hmmmm If I had taken the time to say that mouthful no way would he have had time to avoid the crap. "DOO DOO!" gave him time to stop or move over.

He then made fun of me for awhile yelling things like KETCHUP!. What a card.

We turned onto our street where Lean was riding her scooter. A car started out into the street so I yelled "CAR!" No response, so I keep yelling move!and watch out!

Drew says, " see how effective your one word outbursts are?" hmmmm

I guess he has a point but seriously if someone yelled DOO DOO! at you wouldn't you stop? If your heard CAR! wouldn't you move? Are all those excess words really needed? If someone yelled SNAKE!,..SPIDER!..or MOJITO! at you wouldn't you respond?

Just for fun I keep yelling DOO DOO!! at him every so often.

Wordless Wednesday: Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo Pays his Respects

I'm Famous-ish

Is that my cute little daughter in the photo? no ...Did I make those cute clothes? no...

See that sweet little nut cup ( I always snicker when I talk about my nut cups, so..) the cute little girl is holding? That darling little crepe basket is mine, done by me, that's right. The owner contacted me and bought a nut cup (snicker...) to go in her store's photo shoot.

I was going to brag on my craft blog but no one reads it so I'm forcing it down your throats. Yea

You're right, I'll probably brag there too.

well

check out her store

here

http://www.dollyup.co.nz/index.php

Walt Disney Effs everything Up

How many stories has Disney screwed up? Changing plots around, getting the "facts" wrong, sweetifying until the point of a saccahrin coma. Did you see Pocohontas?... seriously
Wait, that might have been Oliver Stone......nope, Disney...whatever.

We rcently rewatched Finding Nemo *, which is a good movie except for its non factual fact; all drains lead to the ocean- Oh Really? Not in rural Texas. All drains in our house lead to the septic tank-in our back yard. The End.
sigh

I had a chat with Lean that went something like this:

L: Mom when are we going to bury
Cupcake?

JK: Any time you want to

L: I was thinking that he wants to go to the ocean so we can just flush him because "All drains lead to the ocean".

(think quick, think quick, now's your chance to get the fish outta the freezer, so what if our drain goes to the septic?)

JK: yes, if that's what you want to do we can have a little funeral and then flush him.

L: No, I don't want to have a funeral cause it makes me sad.

We got him out of the freezer and prepapred him for flushing. More chatting:

L: Why's he gray?

JK: because he's dead

L: What happened to his eyes?

J: they dried up

L: Are we gonna flush the foil?

J: no

Then we flushed him, it was that easy. She thinks Cupcake is in the ocean and all is right with the world. Who's to say he isn't?

RIP Cupcake, home at last.
(14 months later)

* yes I know it is Pixar, Disney owns them. Oliver Stone's cousin works in the copy room.

The Shaft: Giving and Receiving

I have that sweet, unassuming look that yells " Screw me please, and then when you're done have your sister screw me over too!" Mostly I don't care, I have a big problem with apathy, it goes right along with my sloth- not sure if one causes the other..I don't give a flying fig.

We have a fund raiser for our softball team. Each team has a theme and fills a basket with related items for a silent auction. wow Our theme is music and really who wants a new book of sheet music featuring tunes from Richard Simmons' sweating to the oldies? So it was decided we would collect money and buy an ipod and a $30.00 itunes card. Seemed great, we bought it and only three people gave any money $10.00, 15.00 and 20.oo. so yeah we got the shaft. Three other people gave dollar store doodads to add to the basket. yay

Here's some more whining. I have a customer who wanted me to make up a custom order for her. I did. Now she won't pay for it. boo I can't resell it because it is custom for her.

Why can't people just do what they say they are going to do? Huh? Is it really that much of a problem? I really don't know.

Which leads me to the giving part;I'm a giver. You know Dan right? Well he won a fabulous cock sucker prize from me a very long time ago and I have never sent it. I gave Dan the shaft. But do you know what he did about it? Just blew it off. He didn't stop reading my blog, he didn't send threatening emails, he didn't send me nude photos of himself on vacation at Sea World (drat!).

I'm trying to pattern myself after you, Dan. Keeping my apathy at it's highest peak. And you just keep checking your mailbox because I'm sure your prize is coming soon.

While Driving In My Car

Just on the cusp of being late I sped down our lonely-ish country road. Moments later a car flashed its lights at me. I slowed down, whew, no ticket coming my way. It's nice of the dude to flash me but this is a two lane with no shoulder country road, where would smokie hide for a speed trap? Where indeed. I'd been duped. Asswipe made me drive slowly knowing I need every precious second to arrive on time.

I felt disgruntled until I realized fun for free could be mine as well. As soon as I turned onto the main road, where everyone speeds, I began flashing my lights at passersby. "Slow down, sucker. " I had successfully turned lemons into lemonade with my fun loving positive outlook on life. Not only that but I'm sure after realizing they were duped most of the other cars did the same thing and falsely flashed cars they passed. Leaving a grin and lemonade kinda feeling to linger the whole morning long. My gift to the world, today.

Shoe Evolution

Everyone has one right? Someone they look to for guidance and insight. A mentor, a muse, a morpher.

I have a problem, it's a very serial one. I only like men's shoes. It wouldn't be that much of a problem except they don't come in a size small enough to fit me. No the boy's department won't work, believe me I've tried, the styles are not the same, they are just too juvenile. I like men's shoes. I found these super awesome men's thongs on sale at Kohls a couple of years ago. For awhile they totally worked for me. When I trimmed my woman stache I felt the power of the shoes guiding my hand.
But finally I bent to pressures to buy a more womanly shoe. At a total loss I turned to the afore mentioned muse, Bee. She has thousands of shoes so I channeled her while I went shoe shopping. The only problem was I kept having an urge to run out and drink mojitos. It was so distracting that I just grabbed some woman shoes and left. Anyway they ended up being ugly, although feminine--come on they have a 2" heel. I wore them a few times but really I never liked them at all. Bee was all excited for me but I just couldn't do it. I like men's shoes. Sorry Bee. Last week I decided I must have some new summer shoes. Not from the men's department but absolutely no heel or other girly attribute. I looked at every shoe in the woman's department, hating each and every one of them until I found just the right ones. The Ones, people. Here they are. Some of you may point out that they are rather like my man thongs but you'd be wrong, so wrong. Look at all that curly detailing and blue lined interior; all woman. No it doesn't matter that they don't show when worn, I know they are there.



This post dedicated to my shoe muse Bee. And yeah mojitos are pretty good but look at those awful woman things they made me buy.

A Road Kill Story

I'm pretty sure the Twitter experiment failed. I can't even be exciting for one sentence. But, eating road kill reminded me of another road kill experience from my youth.



I should probably tell you I grew up in a small town in Texas. Very Small. Population 3,872. There were 27 in my graduating class. Small. And rural. But that doesn't mean it was boring, we made our own fun.

One day Wanda Milson came over and we were trying to think of something fun to do. Luckily I remembered that there was a fresh road kill skunk out on the highway. And I had an empty shoe box. So, yeah we decided to give the boy down the street, Peanut Necessary, (this is his real name because I know he would want me to use it. Wanda is a fake name.) a kewl surprise present. So we go to get the present but it is squished onto the highway, flat and stuck. Plus cars kept rushing all over interrupting our important work. Finally I scraped the thing off the road with the lid of the box and got the surprise safely inside. We delivered it right into Peanut Necessary's yard and ran away like squealing girls.

The phone rang soon afterwards. Peanut yelling "come get this thing outta my yard!" I whispered to Wanda and after a lengthy delay said "I don't know what you are talking about".
And can I just interject here, why would he instantly assume it was me?? I'm not the only one our age living on this particular road. Anyway he kept yelling, I kept whispering, until finally his mom gets on the phone and tells me to come get the skunk outta her yard! yay

We walked down to Peanut's house to retrieve his gift, the ingrate. His mom came outside and clucked her tongue at us saying girls shouldn't be doing things like that da da da. I was frozen totally wordless and looking guilty as hell. Thank god Wanda knew the right things to say "Oh Mrs.Necessary we are so sorry it was just a joke da da.
She made us take the skunk away with us but she never told our parents. Good times.




does this make me a hick?

Practice Twitter II

I ate road kill.

Practice Twitter

my plant is dead

Earth Day

It's Earth Day, what are you doing about it? I'm rubbing photos of Father Al (pre-vampire) all over my naked body while watching that commercial of the crying Indian (native American to all you whiny PC types). All the while reflecting.......................

Wordless Wednesday

Penny VS. the Kong

Penny has been looking a little glum lately. She's bored. The companionship of a half witted dalmatian can only take you so far.

I purchased her the latest in dog toy technology, the
KONG. Yes it is somewhat phallic, I agree. The idea is to put a dog treat inside the opening of the KONG while leaving some to protrude. Give it to your dog and they will be occupied for hours trying to get the treat. Instant fun!

WTF??WTF??WTF??WTF??WTF??WTF??

I gave it to her and she let it fall to the ground in her usual "I can't be bothered with such droll dog type things" attitude. Then she caught the scent of liver, delicious quivering liver, be still my heart. She got a nip of the liver quiver and she was hooked. She did try for a very long time to get the treat, trying new positions, new tactics. If I had filmed it it would have rivaled Bee's winter tale. Eventually her attention flagged for a moment and Polka Dot, Dalmatian of doom, swooshed it, grabbed it and ran exactly 30 feet away. Penny is confined by a thirty foot leash and Polka knows the boundaries down to the inch. Of course then he taunted her with it, the beast. What? Yes I could have purchased him one as well but those things are $12.95 plus the treats. I had to make sure they would both use it. Actually it was more fun watching the taunting. Finally Drew felt bad and broke the treat down so they could get it.

thirty feet away, thirty feet away ,thirty feet away

Such fun. Of course it got me thinking about others who might have hours of fun trying to get their treat of choice out of a KONG. Put some "get out of paying taxes free" cards in Kongs and pass them around a meeting of Obama's cabinet members. Hours of silence and no time to think up additional ways to socialize our free market ways.

Some would be easy: put some Cabury mini eggs in mine and a good heap of green bean casserole in Brian's.

Give me some of your ideas. A cigarette in Obama's, a J.Crew catalogue in Michele's, anti bacterial soap in Howie Mandell's? You can even be crude if you are so inclined.

We Have a Winner

We have a winner for the cock sucker contest, but first, check out this lovely cartoon my #1 fan sent me:

And the winner is......................................................Dan........................................................................

Congratulations Dan, you are the envy of all my readers. send me your info

jeanknee20 (at) gmail.com

New Shop Opening and Giveaway

Opening at last: The Polka Dot Cock!!!! Yeaaaaaah baby!!! You knew it was coming and now here it is. A shop specializing in lollipops modelled after my rooster, Mr.Cocka-Doodle-Doo. He's so excited. Aren't they the kewwllest things ever? You know you want one. For free.

So here's what yer gonna do. Check out my shop http://polkadotcock.etsy.com/ then leave me some feed back here. I'll know if you cheat and don't visit the shop so just do it. I'll pick a winner after I've milked it awhile. If you link my shop I'll throw your name in twice.

Yeah I'm whoring my shop on my blog--so?

Wordless Wednesday

I Have a New Shop Opening Later This Week and , Yes, There Will Be a Door Prize

* not suitable for children

Wordless Wednesday

The Disappointment That is Changing Plans

Spring break, yeah baby! I was supposed to be ensconced in a beach house at the beach for the week and visit Shlitterbahn water park. No I don't care how it's spelled. Yeah, that would be fun but not the most fun, nope, not at all.

The funnest of the fun was I had a date with Elasticwaistbandlady to meet at Pancho's Mexican Food Buffet and gorge until I couldn't move, and then enjoy the ensuing gas. I've been practicing tooting out "You are my Sunshine" and really I'm pretty good. It was going to be a surprise.
One of her sons had challenged me to a chimichanga eating contest. He might have won but my digestive track is older and can produce viler smells than he's ever even imagined.

Know what happened instead? Cold temperatures and rain. Here in Texas, in March. I know.
She wept like a baby on the phone when I told her we weren't coming for a fun filled week in a cold and rainy beach house. The weeping continued until I had to tell her to pull herself together, damn it,the children were watching.

It's not over, one day we will meet.........................................

Joaquin Phoenix Exclusive Interview With Ozzy Osborne

Joaquin Phoenix star of 'Two Lovers ' was granted an interview with Heavy Metal Megastar Ozzy Osborne. Phoenix recently quit acting to pursue a carrer in music. Let's see what advice Ozzy has for breaking into the music scene. This interview is unedited.



Joaquin: Buhhhja qqg dyio o OZZY lah lahhh buhhhjdy ysusun suopllj??

Ozzy: @#$% #%$%$ $%^ &$@( Wanker @^%$&@

Joaquin: buhhbuh buh buh buhhhh buh buh buh buyh bub buh la la la laffo fo foo?

Ozzy: Wah wuhhh fah quert le $ ^% $%#@ sde fiwpgj SHARON!!! vhfy sref v

Joaquin: whuu whu whuu daa yaaa dooo?

Ozzy: buh buhh buh wahhahw NAKED hyg %$&*# aen yiooouu sdg MICK &*^JaGGER
dggueros $#@% ^& GDTY




The interview ended prematurely when both participants peered off into space without another word. Now I think we know why Phoenix has decided to pursue a career in rap.

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Your husband tells you you look weird like some thing's wrong. You tell him to leave you alone or you'll kick him. He says you can't kick him and probably fantasizes about you snapping an exactly executed Tai Bo Karate kick to his head which he blocks by grabbing your foot in mid air and tipping you backwards to the ground.

Only you barely kick out at him and your shoe rips the skin off his stomach. It's so funny you can not stop laughing and it drives him to tell your daughter on you and show the evidence?



I kicked his mass at Wii boxing too.

Worrisome Wednesday

Do you see that? I found it hidden underneath Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo's bed. I didn't want to make too big a deal out of it by positively reinforcing such an evil, evil concept.I decided to do what any good parent would do and throw the vile publication out without mentioning it.

I picked it up and found our friend Che was only the cover hiding something far sinister. Look what book fell out. Oh the Horror!! I hope he didn't get a chance to read the vile thing.

Maybe on second thought Che wasn't so bad?

Planning Ahead

My daughter attends a progressive thinking and politically active school. It's awesome. I mean they are really getting them ready for this new world of change.

At the Christmas party (which by the way they were allowed to call a Christmas party and not a winter festival- go pagans!) the entire first grade was only allowed to have Christmas cookies and a small bottled water; not medium, not large. I volunteered to bring the water because what if Rudolph wasn't an approved mascot of Christmas. I didn't want to be the one to have to crumble the non approved cookies into the trash can while 6 year olds watched. Not me.

A little investigating uncovered a cruel and demoralizing practice schools have been involved in for decades. That's right, bringing a multitude of sugary, crunchy, yummy, morsels of junk food. My source told me that a couple of years ago one of the teachers got offended because the treats in her classroom were not up to par with the rest of the classes. My word, this could end the world or at the very least traumatize little Johnny who didn't get a snack pack of goldfish crackers like Amy in room 9. I had never even considered the possible unfairness of snacks and party favors. In my thinking some years you get great stuff, some years you get the shaft.

The audacity of my free thinking and free distribution of Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies!


Well, I was very careful selecting just the right sized water. The children lined up and were allowed to choose two cookies each, plus the water. Abundant fun and sugar high joy was felt by all!! I mean who the hell doesn't get excited for two measly cookies and water?


Today I attended the Valentine Party, oh sweet Peter what fun! The children were all marched into the cafeteria where they were given a Big Red Float (soda and ice cream concoction). And that's all she wrote folks. I suppose it is a good idea to get them used to our soon to be instated socialism ,but still.

Wordless Wednesday

This was real cool in an email I received but alas, just like my life right now, it sucks.

What? Another Blog Post So Soon?

Have you noticed this kewl thing I have in my shop. What is it? I don't know. What do you use it for? I don't know. WTF? I don't know.

It has Edward on it and that drives chicks wild except for me cuz he generally looks girlie, but I can see some hawtness in this photo.


Whazup with this post jean Knee? I don't know, I don't want to clean my craft hoard house for a party on Sunday so I'm posting inane things here and on my craft blog and also emailing people completely boring stuff.

The Lazy Daisy

Due to the grace and eloquence with which you received my bacon recipe I am doing it again. I'll probably keep doing it again and again if I get the same response. It might turn into all this blog ever has.



And now a lovely daisy cookie recipe for a Spring garden party:





1 bag flower shaped cookies

1 can frosting (white)

1 bag lemon drops




Frost flower, add lemon drop. TAAA DAAA

Out of Retirement

Bacon is back, and it's better than ever! This isn't pretty bacon but it is quite delicious. Perfect for Super Bowl parties, which is where this platter went. mmmmmm

Here's how;

Wrap a piece of bacon around a green olive, secure with toothpick. Broil in oven until done.

If you are like me and don't want to smell bacon for hours and perhaps even days when you go upstairs grill them on the grill outdoors.

Beautiful aren't they?

What was I Thinking Or Something

Bee is having a thing where you post pictures you never used because later you thought WTF?

Mustache rides look like an absolute bargain at .05. Take a ride on my mustache, yeah baby!

See, I just couldn't pull it together. (and if you're a woman-don't act like you don't want one)

Here I am on vacation having my tusshie squeezed by Buzz Lighyear. I tried to fight him off but the sucker was strong.

Batman and Robin engaging in an unnatural act. This is why I chose not to be BFF's with Batman.

I 'm not sure if I totally understood the instructions but whatever.

SkateWorld: Land of Paradise

Lean went to a skating party this afternoon. She was pretty nervous because she's never been skating. My secret plan was to don skates myself and help her around the rink. I had to wear a pair of Drew's socks because my inheritance is getting a bit shabby for public appearances.

Ahhh, I remember skating in Jr. High. The best was when they played Dream Weaver and dimmed the lights and flashed colored lights around. "OOOOH dream weaver, I believe you can get me through the nig-hight."

I was a little apprehensive because, well let's face it, forty something is not the best age for skating. But hey, I remember the fast skaters always watched out for the young or coordination challenged. All will be well.

I look out at the crowd and my word, all bets were off. Those tweens were going at least 50 MPR out there. I don't know what they've done to the new skates but I could barely follow their laps around. Plus they were trying to trip each other and push each other into the wall. And no one did anything about it. It looked like an episode of Roller Derby without protective pads and helmet. All plans of reliving my glory days and showing Lean the ropes were dashed. DASHED.

I decided to order a cup of hot chocolate to calm my nerves, but wow the counter girl didn't know how to make it. She had to get the manager, the manager walked her through it, ten minutes have now passed, my gawd just stir the powder in some hot water how stinkin hard can that be?? She finally started trying to stir it but it didn't mix up because, hello, the water wasn't hot. She puts it in the microwave, styrofoam cup and all and no way I'm drinking that poisoned mess of chemicals so I just leave. Lean has been calling me, the girl is never gonna get it right and twenty minutes of my important life are gone ..just...like...that.

There was some delicious chocolate frosted cookie cake that was yum. No forks but hey I stuffed it on in with no incidents. mmm

The rest of the time was pretty mundane just taking Lean around. As we were leaving one of the fathers gave be the old hairy eyeball, even turned around twice to check me out. Maybe no re-captured youth but, baby I still got it.

I checked myself in my car mirror and I had a HUGE smear of chocolate frosting on one side of my lips. Oh the horror!! No one even told me.

It still could have been my hawtness he was checking out, you don't know.

Wednesday, Now on Tuesday: Getting Ready for the Inauguration

The Heiress

You might expect this post to be about famous Heiress' like Paris Hilton and how hard it is to be an heiress. I can't think of a much worse thing to be, poor Paris.

This is the story of my inheritance and how it has affected my life.

When my husband's father passed, Drew was given his class ring. It's a very nice gold one with a sparkly red jewel in the center. I would show you a photo of it but it is safely laid away in our safe deposit box at our bank.

After speaking with Drew's mother several times about finding a memento for myself we finally happened upon the treasure that won my heart. A tasteful brown parcel arrived within the week. The contents: one well worn pair of cashmere socks.


They were spectacular. My favorite winter colors of black, charcoal gray, and cranberry red. Did I mention they were of the softest and warmest cashmere known to man?
Here is my favorite photo of the socks.


Let me point out the finer points for you. The cranberry red is hand embroidered in an argyle pattern. The cashmere has grown exceptionally soft from frequent washings. Here you can see the wear patterns made by my father in law. Notice his feet were bigger than mine so my heel hits farther down. This is great because it means they will last longer. I wear them constantly. They are warm and soft and awesome to wear.

I know some family heirlooms can be somewhat burdensome. The silver tea set that has to be polished, the out of fashion jewelry that must be insured, the class ring that resides at the bank.

Mine will never be a burden to me or others. I have used,and will continue to use them to my sincere and utter delight.

I probably will not pass them on to my daughter but I will make sure she gets something useful, delightful, and much wanted from me when the time comes.

Wednesday

Everybody Wants Me

Apparently my much publicized BFF liaison with rock legend Ted Nugent has gained the interest of another very macho, very famous television legend. I was perusing my email messages, checking for one from Ted; there wasn't one, yes! (It would be a much more fulfilling BFF relationship if Drew would tell me where he lived. But no, he's afraid I might get in trouble for stalking. Only Drew would think driving by Ted's house twenty times a day and following his cammo Blazer around town is stalking).



But whatever, I think I am gaining a new BFF. Check out this email I received:




Mr. William Batman

Tel: +62 8568811184



Dear
Good day and how are you ? I am Mr. William Batman from Republic of Sierra-Leone and I'm representing my family here in Indonesia regarding investing the sum of US$3Million ( Three Million United States Dollars with you in your country, this fund is already here in Jakarta in a highly secured place . We have made all arrangements regarding this , we only need your assistance ,support and guidance to make an investment in a profitable and good business in your country.I am presently in Jakarta Indonesia. I will appreciate if you will guarantee me your trust and support to assist me, we can arrange a meeting here to discuss and follow up the project . please schedule a date for us to meet here in Jakarta .Though I know that a transaction of this magnitude will make any one apprehensive and worried, but I am assuring you that all will be well at the end of the day.On our meeting we can discuss the possible means of securing the fund and sharing percentages.



Thanks.

Mr. William Batman



That's right people, Batman wants to meet me in person and , perhaps even do a little business together. I've seen his AARP commercials so I'm guessing it's some kind of old people promotion or something.
I know.
BATMAN.
I know.



I don't think Ted's going to like it but what ya gonna do? If he objects he won't email me and then I'll know. Maybe we'll even go around together and have a Geritol signing promotion or some kind of fiber awareness type thing.