Thursday, December 24, 2009

Happy Festivus Everyone!!

Yes, everything is ready. After the airing of grievances tonight I'm pretty sure I can get my mother in law in a pretty good head lock. Wish me luck!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Secret Santa Can suck it Part ll

Once again it is time for Bee's Sucking Santa game.I was given victim Whitney of So here goes.

Whitney is young and enjoys knitting and Haikus.Since I can't knit I have written her a Haiku or two. I hope you like them Whitney.

My mustache necklace

I like fucking plastic dolls

Minichill kill you

And here is a special cinquain which is like a haiku but different:

Chico is banned.

My mom don't like my dog.

He won't pee on the floor at night.

Woof, woof.

I would give Chico a free pass if I could. Poor thing.

And one last Haiku inspired by that sappy Sound of Music song, Favorite Things:

Boobs on gingerbread
The Santa dudes in speedos.

A few favorite things.

And there you go Whitney, your own mustache necklace and a free pass for Chico. Merry Merry Christmas! Some weird thing is wrong with the spacing, sorry.

Friday, December 18, 2009

Jean Knee Delivers the Goods

Yes it is once again that jolly time of year: the class Christmas party. Last year was sooo stressful when the first grade Nazi leader, czar--whatever she calls herself, assigned me bottled water for the party. It better be the exact size and brand of all the other bottled water at every other first grade party. The pressure was immense but I managed.

This year the second grade room mother said to me, "Can you bring a sweet? we already have goldfish and fruit.?" Uhhhm, how to answer how to answer. JK "Yes, sure what kind of sweet?"

RM "Oh any kind just make it cute, Brooke's mom brought reindeer cookies last year."
JK " So reindeer cookies?"
RM "Anything you like"
JK "drool, panic,silent cursing"
Sure she said any kind of sweet, but I heard specific words "reindeer cookies". Crap

I searched on line and found a lot of different kinds, but good gravy they all involved 25 step directions and 30 minutes per cookie. Gack, I barely move all day long and they want me to do hours of cookie decorating??

Went to Walmart and dodged the Salvation Army guy jingling his loud bell and bellowing "Merry Christmas" at me. S#it, isn't panhandling at a public place illegal? Should I call the cops? No time, the reindeer are calling. Then I dodged around a couple of Walmart babies (you know toddlers in only a diaper running all over like fat guys at a free buffet). Where are all the ingredients???? I continued running all over, so thankful that this wasn't Kmart where any second a red light special would be announced and I would be crushed underfoot by housewives wanting to save .25 on a large bottle of tidy bowl.

PANIC, RUN ... help. Then Lean holds up these candy sticks begging me unmercifully for them. Yes, get 'em keep going. buh buh buh reindeer buh bu

And then I spied them. Cute cupcakes white with red sprinkles, wouldn't they look darling with the candy sticks? It's a sweet right? what to do, what to do....I went for it.

We took the cupcakes home, stuck the candy sticks in them and made North Pole cupcakes, yess. Took less than five minutes.

Reindeer cookies were not even mentioned at the party. Of course some of the uhh, children were concerned that their cupcake had a hole in it. No s#it moron, it had a candy stick in it.

No I didn't say it out loud.