Monday, April 28, 2008

Just Some Stuff

Drew told Lean that Cupcake died, he just blurted it out. She cried a little and asked a million questions. The most popular question (asked at least 20-30 times) was "How do you know he was dead, he never moves, he's always in a coma?" I even started doubting myself, how did I know for sure? Oh right his body part flew off.

I have utterly and abominably failed my job as canine correctional officer. A few weeks ago Penny began jumping over the fence again, she didn't care if she got shocked. I accidentally checked to see if the collar worked, it definitely did. She became a canine masochist flinging herself over the fence all the while being shocked.
At first she would come home for visits and to be fed. Polka is, of course, devastated. We bought Penny to be a companion for him after all.
This last week she stopped coming home even to be fed. She visited for one hour and that was it.
Yesterday we drove around the neighborhood and saw her in some one's yard . We called her, she stood up and ran into their garage to escape us. WTF? Drew called them and the people said she lives there all the time, but they don't feed her. She plays with their dogs during the day. They take their dogs in at night but she still sleeps in their yard. They tried to put her in their fence, of course that didn't work. We offered to let them keep her, they don't want her but she won't leave their yard and jumps in their backyard to play with their dogs.
Anyway they are trying to find someone on a farm that needs a good dog. Maybe it will work out.
We went to Health Camp (little irony there for ya) for burgers and I finally got to say, "I can has cheez burger?" Everyone just stared at me, whatever people don't you ever go on line?
Drew told me he has seen the goat hair but never noticed the stache. Love is blind to all but errant chin growth.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Fish in the Freezer

My geriatric fish, Cupcake, died a few days ago. I found him one night right before bed. I didn't tell Lean because I didn't want it to upset her before bed. I didn't tell her the next day because I didn't want to upset her before school. The next day I didn't want to upset her before a baseball game, then I didn't want to upset her before ballet...on and on.

I couldn't just flush him because we flushed the last fish and it didn't go over very well. I promised her she could bury Cupcake when he died. For the past year everyday has looked like his last so I've tried to prepare her. He's in a near constant comatose state and we have thought he was dead many times, vigorous shaking of his bowl usually brought him around. When I shook the bowl this time a body part flew off. Uh Oh. I did the only thing I could think of to keep him fresh until I can break the news to Lean. I gently wrapped him in foil and placed him in the freezer. But, well she has baseball practice tonight, a ballgame on Saturday, a birthday party on Sunday, Monday she has ballet again......

I hope I've told her before her junior prom comes around.

RIP Cupcake April 2005- April 2008

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Happy Earth Day

To celebrate Earth Day here's a trivia question extolling the evils of disposable products.
What was the first consumer product designed to be disposable?????

Especially for you bacon lovers (NCS, MILLIE & others) How many degrees separate us from the tragedy of global warming? Listen to Kevin Bacon’s Call for Climate found here.
You have to scroll down, what do I look like a computer genius? Don't answer that, it was rhetorical. While you're there check out how others are promoting their Call for Climate.

here are a few things I will be doing for my part

1.I will not shower today to promote awareness of clean water shortage
2.I will wear my favorite green rayon polo
3.I will carry my ATC card of Father Al around with me all day long
4.I will not eat any beans or other green house gas causing foods.
5.I will only use my credit card to cut down on tree product consumption
6.I will not try out any of my makeup products on my dogs.

Of course these are all lame, here's what I'll really be doing

I will wrap my naked body in saran wrap simulating water fowl trapped in the plastic rings that hold sodas. I will flop around pitifully blinding all in my path, probably even end up on The Today Show.
If you don't want to see this happen please call your Washington representatives (Kevin Bacon has the number)

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Mustachioed Women; Why?

I have always wondered about women with mustaches. Not why do you have one, rather why don't you remove it? You shave your legs, pluck your eyebrows, why leave that mustache?

It's not a big area, the upper lip, so why not rid yourself of your furry little foe. Pluck it, wax it , bleach it, shave it. Have electrolysis, have it threaded, grab some nair. I know, it might grow back thicker.
So? It's a mustache for crying out loud, you are a woman. If it grows back thicker then re pluck it, re wax it, re bleach it, re shave it. Just like you do with your legs and eyebrows. But Jean Knee would you rather have a thin mustache or risk a thick mustache? None. It's a mustache for crying out loud, you are a woman.

I myself have a faint mustache and one goat hair on my chin. I remove them. They should not be there. I see women with long goat hairs on their chins, why do they just leave them there?
I want to know why?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Critic's Corner:Restaurant Reviews

The following restaurants have been rated by the Proprietor's response to foreign objects being found in the food. The names were changed to protect the innocent (Jean Knee)from prosecution.

I'm sure that all restaurants have had one of those"entree plus" experiences. What interests me most is what occurs after alien matter is discovered in the chow. Here are a few favorites that I've personally experienced.

The Black Pot Restaurant

Drew and I had the breakfast buffet as a Sunday Treat. There was everything on that buffet, and I mean everything. Drew quickly piled his plate and began noshing. I lifted a bite of scrambled egg only to discover an entire, though dead, cricket. mmmm We showed our waitress, they checked the eggs and found more crickets. We told all the tables around us what I found but they continued eating. Apparently cricket eating was not frowned upon at The Black Pot. The manager was summoned, we were given our breakfast free, gee thanks.
Response time was a bit slow, actions were appropriate to earn them a nine,9.

1492 Restaurant
Drew, Lean,me,Drew's important customers. 1492 is a very expensive posh restaurant so you assume things will be perfect. The place was full of flies buzzing all around, everywhere. One dove straight into Lean's chocolate milk. We showed the waiter, he took it away and said, " No extra charge". Nothing was done at all. Our bill was around $500.00 and they did nothing at all! Don't these people realize Columbus would not have stood for such shoddy fly deliberation?
They don't even get a rating but the joke's on them they are out of business now.

The Milton Hotel Restaurant

Once again We are having breakfast. We order, everything is lovely, the service is awesome. We get our food and Drew discovers a gigantic hair on his bacon. This thing was huge and slightly wavy eww. I couldn't eat bacon for weeks thinking about how that disgusting hair got on there.eww. The waiter was summoned and we were given our breakfast free, the staff looked convincingly horrified. They get a perfect ten for their response time and wrap up.

The Avocado Garden Restaurant

This is slightly different but I still feel like ranting so I'm including it. So while we are celebrating my niece getting her driver's license the waitress drops a bottle of beer on the table, it empties entirely into my lap. I screech, she picks it up, gets another beer and acts like nothing happened.
Of course I tell her, "you poured a beer in my lap" , "yes, yes I'm so sorry" she continues on. Me again, "you poured a beer in my lap" She disappears then comes back and says they will pay for any dry cleaning. "I'm wearing jeans, I don't dry clean jeans. You poured a beer in my lap" The manager is summoned and restates that they will pay my dry cleaning bill. WTF is that about, I have a lap full of beer and not even an apology or free dessert?
They get a -4 rating.

Yes, I know exactly what you are thinking. Why can't I ever find a 2 karat diamond in my Asian stir fry? You just can't.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008


"U-G-L-Y you ain't got no alibi, you ugly, yeah yeah, you ugly!"

This cheer could be heard at every Podunk Longhorn football game when I was in school. Team spirit; you got it. Sportsmanship; not so much. Yelling that your opponent is ugly was just about as fun as fun could get, cheer wise anyway.

So, what's wrong with being ugly? Oh groan, is this post going to point us in a politically correct direction? How bout visually challenged? Those of lesser beauty?

My local grocery store not only accepts the Ugli, they celebrate it. Then charge you $2.49 a pound for it. What price beauty...... yeah

If you squint you can read the ugli sticker

Look at this display of Ugli fruit. Doesn't it look, well, Ugli? No longer will the oppressed Ugli fruit be pushed into a corner of the produce section. Now Ugli fruit has a large, prominent end cap position where it has been lovingly stacked for display. Wow.

Join me in celebrating the triumph of the Ugli fruit! Hooray Ugli fruit! You go fruit!

What does it taste like? I have no idea, I don't buy Ugli fruit.

Dear Daphne & Celeste: we were saying that cheer before you were even born so don't try to go all copyright crazy on me.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Newer and Sweeter and Prettier

Okay, okay Lisa is tired of seeing those ugly toads and maybe you are too but, I have no stories to share with you dear friends. Instead I will let you over dose on sweet, girlie deliciousness and hope you don't get "My word, Johnny! Not more pink" syndrome.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

April Fool

Here's a funny April Fool Joke: "Is Your Refrigerator Running?" Ans: yes "Well you better catch it before it gets away!"

Oh snort, ha ha hooo. That one always cracks me up.

Except this morning water was discovered on the floor near the refrigerator so here's how the joke went:

" Is your refrigerator running?" ans: efff no! " get ready to get the shaft by GE, have a good day, loser"

The fridge is a whirlpool, how screwed do you think I'll get? I need a cigarette.

Fascinating Discovery: Yes serendipity showed me that even minor household emergencies can yield gold. As I searched for the ice chest to put our rapidly rotting food into, I found these Mummified toads, right inside the cooler. Magnificent specimens, one even rigor mortised in a jumping pose. Sweet.

They go well with my mummified turtle and scorpion don't you think? (scorpion was a pet, he mummified on his own. Turtle was found partially dried and then buried in salt, in a hot garage for two years, but alas he still has a slight odor. The toads are perfect- the non-jumping one rattles if you shake him just like a maraca)