Friday, May 29, 2009

The Shaft: Giving and Receiving

I have that sweet, unassuming look that yells " Screw me please, and then when you're done have your sister screw me over too!" Mostly I don't care, I have a big problem with apathy, it goes right along with my sloth- not sure if one causes the other..I don't give a flying fig.

We have a fund raiser for our softball team. Each team has a theme and fills a basket with related items for a silent auction. wow Our theme is music and really who wants a new book of sheet music featuring tunes from Richard Simmons' sweating to the oldies? So it was decided we would collect money and buy an ipod and a $30.00 itunes card. Seemed great, we bought it and only three people gave any money $10.00, 15.00 and 20.oo. so yeah we got the shaft. Three other people gave dollar store doodads to add to the basket. yay

Here's some more whining. I have a customer who wanted me to make up a custom order for her. I did. Now she won't pay for it. boo I can't resell it because it is custom for her.

Why can't people just do what they say they are going to do? Huh? Is it really that much of a problem? I really don't know.

Which leads me to the giving part;I'm a giver. You know Dan right? Well he won a fabulous cock sucker prize from me a very long time ago and I have never sent it. I gave Dan the shaft. But do you know what he did about it? Just blew it off. He didn't stop reading my blog, he didn't send threatening emails, he didn't send me nude photos of himself on vacation at Sea World (drat!).

I'm trying to pattern myself after you, Dan. Keeping my apathy at it's highest peak. And you just keep checking your mailbox because I'm sure your prize is coming soon.

Friday, May 15, 2009

While Driving In My Car

Just on the cusp of being late I sped down our lonely-ish country road. Moments later a car flashed its lights at me. I slowed down, whew, no ticket coming my way. It's nice of the dude to flash me but this is a two lane with no shoulder country road, where would smokie hide for a speed trap? Where indeed. I'd been duped. Asswipe made me drive slowly knowing I need every precious second to arrive on time.

I felt disgruntled until I realized fun for free could be mine as well. As soon as I turned onto the main road, where everyone speeds, I began flashing my lights at passersby. "Slow down, sucker. " I had successfully turned lemons into lemonade with my fun loving positive outlook on life. Not only that but I'm sure after realizing they were duped most of the other cars did the same thing and falsely flashed cars they passed. Leaving a grin and lemonade kinda feeling to linger the whole morning long. My gift to the world, today.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Shoe Evolution

Everyone has one right? Someone they look to for guidance and insight. A mentor, a muse, a morpher.

I have a problem, it's a very serial one. I only like men's shoes. It wouldn't be that much of a problem except they don't come in a size small enough to fit me. No the boy's department won't work, believe me I've tried, the styles are not the same, they are just too juvenile. I like men's shoes. I found these super awesome men's thongs on sale at Kohls a couple of years ago. For awhile they totally worked for me. When I trimmed my woman stache I felt the power of the shoes guiding my hand.
But finally I bent to pressures to buy a more womanly shoe. At a total loss I turned to the afore mentioned muse, Bee. She has thousands of shoes so I channeled her while I went shoe shopping. The only problem was I kept having an urge to run out and drink mojitos. It was so distracting that I just grabbed some woman shoes and left. Anyway they ended up being ugly, although feminine--come on they have a 2" heel. I wore them a few times but really I never liked them at all. Bee was all excited for me but I just couldn't do it. I like men's shoes. Sorry Bee. Last week I decided I must have some new summer shoes. Not from the men's department but absolutely no heel or other girly attribute. I looked at every shoe in the woman's department, hating each and every one of them until I found just the right ones. The Ones, people. Here they are. Some of you may point out that they are rather like my man thongs but you'd be wrong, so wrong. Look at all that curly detailing and blue lined interior; all woman. No it doesn't matter that they don't show when worn, I know they are there.

This post dedicated to my shoe muse Bee. And yeah mojitos are pretty good but look at those awful woman things they made me buy.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A Road Kill Story

I'm pretty sure the Twitter experiment failed. I can't even be exciting for one sentence. But, eating road kill reminded me of another road kill experience from my youth.

I should probably tell you I grew up in a small town in Texas. Very Small. Population 3,872. There were 27 in my graduating class. Small. And rural. But that doesn't mean it was boring, we made our own fun.

One day Wanda Milson came over and we were trying to think of something fun to do. Luckily I remembered that there was a fresh road kill skunk out on the highway. And I had an empty shoe box. So, yeah we decided to give the boy down the street, Peanut Necessary, (this is his real name because I know he would want me to use it. Wanda is a fake name.) a kewl surprise present. So we go to get the present but it is squished onto the highway, flat and stuck. Plus cars kept rushing all over interrupting our important work. Finally I scraped the thing off the road with the lid of the box and got the surprise safely inside. We delivered it right into Peanut Necessary's yard and ran away like squealing girls.

The phone rang soon afterwards. Peanut yelling "come get this thing outta my yard!" I whispered to Wanda and after a lengthy delay said "I don't know what you are talking about".
And can I just interject here, why would he instantly assume it was me?? I'm not the only one our age living on this particular road. Anyway he kept yelling, I kept whispering, until finally his mom gets on the phone and tells me to come get the skunk outta her yard! yay

We walked down to Peanut's house to retrieve his gift, the ingrate. His mom came outside and clucked her tongue at us saying girls shouldn't be doing things like that da da da. I was frozen totally wordless and looking guilty as hell. Thank god Wanda knew the right things to say "Oh Mrs.Necessary we are so sorry it was just a joke da da.
She made us take the skunk away with us but she never told our parents. Good times.

does this make me a hick?

Practice Twitter II

I ate road kill.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Practice Twitter

my plant is dead