Sunday, August 24, 2008


Something was missing. The missing something was simply gone. Razed to the ground. The only part left was a concrete foundation. Oh my word. The place where I became a woman, that monument dedicated to the end of my innocence was no longer on this earth.

In a flash I was transported back to that special time and place. Eighth grade. A little young you may be thinking, but I was ready. No, more than ready, eager. Breathless with anticipation.
Thom Mc Ann, I'll always remember that name (even if I can't spell it). Oh Thom you had all a girl could ever want.

So nervous, I didn't want my inexperience to show. I didn't want to appear clumsy or unsure of myself. I wanted everything to be perfect. The dress I wore was emerald green with a bias cut skirt. My shoes were misplaced in my rush to get them off.

And then it was happening. It was at last happening to me; to me! Everything slipped into place, I was born for this. My innocent little girl feet wore high heels for the very first time, and oh how glorious they were.. Sleek brown leather, slender wooden heels. Not those abominable chunky wedge shoes of the seventies. These were delicate, womanly, perfect. I took my first steps and my ankle twisted.

Thursday, August 21, 2008


It wasn't the ice cream truck that yanked the skin off Penny's toe. A neighbor whom I don't even know saw her with a skinned paw before the ice cream truck even came. Hmmmmm. Well all that misguided anger at soft serve, wasted.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Monday, August 18, 2008

Sing This To The Tune Of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"

Penny got run over by the ice cream truck,
standing near the road on yesterday.
You may say the ice cream truck's a god send.
But as for me and Pen we disagree.

Can you believe it? The ice cream truck ran over Penny and just kept going. We had to rush her to the emergency pet clinic where she was stapled and wrapped back together.

We will no longer be buying their ice cream. Asswipes.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Is Eddie the New Al?

So Mr. Knee asked me if Eddie Van Halen was replacing Al Gore in my affections since he's been on so much. Let's break it down.

Even though in real life Eddie is an ego maniacal a$$hole I really hated seeing Eddie all broken down, sans teeth. I searched until I learned more. Eddie had tongue cancer, yes, tongue cancer. I guess it could have rotted his teeth (I still think meth but whatever). He beat cancer and then went into rehab, it said for alcohol but come on, you saw his teeth.

2007 he is out of re-hab, has new teeth, put on some weight and shaved off his goth wannabe hair. Fabulous. I also saw him playing a concert without his shirt after rehab and did not think he should have put it back on. Also now with his neighbor next door look I think he is rather cute. Many of you disagree but you are wrong, of course.

In conclusion: Eddie hit rock bottom, came back, seems okay. If he had a different personality and I were a different person I'd date him.

Father Al on the other hand has always been dashing in every way. Sure his voice makes you want to claw your eyes out, but remember he's green and all. Go climate! Plus he wins countless awards.

In conclusion: Father Al Gore is and always will be fabulousness at its most fab. His hair is always perfect and yeah, I'd run my fingers through it.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Analyze This, Freud

I need some help understanding this dream. Am I crazy?

I was visiting a town that was having a festival/celebration of some kind. There were rides and quaint little shops. I was browsing through a knick knack shop when a friend of my mom's saw me. We talked. She was in some kind of organization that seemed like a cross between the junior league and DAR. She encouraged me to eat the chicken dinner, completely homemade by the members. I'm sure it was a fundraiser.

I got my plate withe vegetables and a large portion of chicken on top. I commenced noshing and my fork speared a battered and deep fried bat wing. I just put it aside and thought nothing of it. I kept eating. I moved the chicken around and saw two dead baby birds complete with feathers. Suddenly I moved the piece of chicken and a live white lab rat was underneath. I didn't want to scream for fear I'd hurt the ladies' feelings. The rat ran around the table and kept trying to jump in my hair. And lastly I found a cooked mouse on my plate.

I ran out and my mom's friend followed me and tried to calm me down because she didn't want bad PR for her group, I told her the rat was bigger than my finger to which she replied," well if it was that big I guess you should complain." I'm guessing a small one would have been okay?

I know sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but WTF does this mean?