Sunday, December 30, 2007

What's a Fudge-A-Gator?

Last week while my neighbors were gone to Disney World I fed their dog, cats, fish.

So they brought me back a Fudge-a-gator, junior. I read the box, glanced inside, still unsure, I say, "is it fudge from an alligator?" everyone cracks up. Uh-Oh.
Sure it looks like it could be a delicious confection...except it didn't have a cellophane wrapper around the box, hmmmm. Rim has my same sense of humor so this could be tricky. "Is this an alligator turd, Rim?!" More laughter.

Flashback Valentine's Day 2007. We're at dance class waiting for our kiddos when I rip out a beautifully wrapped white rose. It is lovely indeed. Me, "Rim, did you know that white roses are for friendship? They are, so I made you this white rose for Valentine's Day." I hand it over, she exclaims how pretty it is, it looks just like a real one, Jean Knee! I tell her to look closer, she does, what? Look closer Rim. Then she starts snickering. Of course the other mothers want to see, we show them the lovely rose that has been crafted out of a feminine napkin. I keep a straight face the whole time. "I made it out of a feminine napkin". The other mothers don't know what to do and I keep a blank look on. Rim says thank you and puts it in her purse.

See it's funny because while searching the Internet for ghost crafts I was led to a site with a cute little ghost crafted from a tampon. Of course I had to corrupt Rim with the hilarious site. We snickered about how there should be a condom craft site and hey, feminine napkins are totally left out!!!! Oh the outrage!!

Thus leading to the rose. Hmmmmm Remembering this I'm thinking, this might be a fudge shaped alligator or fudge from the gator. So Of course I say thank you and put it in my purse.

TO BE CONTINUED........................

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

My Secret

It may be better to give than to receive , but it's funner to receive, sometimes.

Someone gave Lean a crappy vest and Drew an excruciatingly long and boring book about Irish History (snore).

But, someone gave me exactly what I wanted:

Here's some more history

Monday, December 24, 2007

. MERRY CHRISTMAS ! !!!! ! !! !! !! !!!!!! !! !

. Decorating courtesy of Lean

Sunday, December 23, 2007

The Happy Holiday Post

Yes it's Christmas eve eve. Everything ready in your house? Really? Fabulous!

Still looking for a fun and easy family craft that even drunken uncle Steve can't mess up?

Look no further. Today you will learn to make melted candy ornaments.

Supply List: red and green starlight mints

..................... parchment paper

....................... assorted ribbons

Directions: Line a cookie sheet with Parchment paper. Arrange unwrapped star light mints in a pattern on top of Parchment paper. Place in a 350 degree oven for five minutes until melted. Remove and let cool. Add ribbons or hooks and decorate tree .

We hung these from the ceiling with fishing line. They look like sun catchers and twirl all around.

We are still experimenting with candy canes, let me know if you are successful.

Note: supervise children and uncle Steve around oven

Saturday, December 22, 2007

Friday, December 21, 2007

It's Never Too Late, is it?

Good Mail for all my very favorite peeps. Did you love what I sent You? Did you use it wisely?

Yes it's that time of the season, you're out of time you lazy slacker. Anything you haven't done is probably a lost cause for this year. Or, maybe not. I have wrapped specially for each and every one of you, a hand picked,hand be-ribboned lovely mistletoe bouquet. That's not all. Each one comes in an oh so funny Holiday Card. Yessss. And I have written a very special Holiday wish for you, only you, inside the card. Are you loving it?

What, you didn't receive yours? Quit crying, no one else did either. Do not despair sweet peeps, I have fixed it all up so you can enjoy kissing someone hawt this Holiday Season.

Here is a picture of the mistletoe bundles all ready for shipping. Lovely, I know.

Here's a closeup. Now quick right click on this pic and then hit print. Your delightful bouquet is ready to be cut out and hung above a favorite doorway. Happy Holidays!!

What about the Holiday card? Do I have to do everything here? Okay, here's what you do. Visit one of those on-line card shops, pick one out for yourself, print it and write your own heartfelt message from me on the inside, display on the mantel.

P.S.- next year I will actually mail them, I hope.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

It's The Happy Kitty Post

Why the happy kitty post? Because Santa's been reading my blog.

Wordless Wednesday: Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo Yanks Some Johnsons

Monday, December 17, 2007

An Important Tip For Those Flying This Holiday Season

On Saturday I ventured to make French toast in my trusty waffle maker 4000. It turned out delectable, both sides evenly crisped and scab like. MMMmmm, the perfect French Toast.

This reminded Drew of a cautionary tale I will share with you now, dear readers.

We hopped an early morning flight going somewhere fun. The stewardess asked for our order and I ordered French Toast, after which I fell into a deep sleep. Some time later I awoke to a lovely sight of Fancy French Toast rolled and powdered with confectioner's sugar sitting oh so demurely on my tray table. I quickly grabbed it and and took a big bite, mmm. What!??? Oh THE HORROR!! I had bitten into the hot towel you were supposed to wash your hands with. What kind of vile joke was this??
You take an order for French toast and roll a hand cloth up to look like a confection and serve it to an unconscious person??? Oh the outrage!!!!

Oh how foolish I felt. I did notice that the stewardess didn't even crack a smile. They go through vigorous training to deal with emergency situations such as hand towel eating. I bet I was the first, but I suspect not the last.

Fellow travelers, do not let this happen to you. Order the omelet and sausages to be safe.

I'll have mine with extra syrup and butter please.

Thursday, December 13, 2007

I'm Full Of It

What happens when you are full of candy each and every day since Halloween? Besides the inevitable butt spread I'm left feeling a bit sluggish. Sugar highs lead to crashing lows. With no caffeine to boost me along I need to get moving, stir the blood pooled in my nether regions from constant blogging.

During the summer I used to pull the weeds out of our lawn. It doesn't sound like much but we have an over sized yard filled with Johnson grass. Those weeds grow tall and their roots are deep. You have to give them quite a tug to get them out. I've yanked a thousand Johnsons at least.

Now with the Holidays in full swing, I need some extra energy. I need a new exercise regimen. What to do.

It can't be anything that seems like exercise. My body has a unique survival instinct whereas if I move too vigorously and produce even a drop of perspiration, my whole system shuts off supplies of energy and shoots them straight to storage facilities in the butttox, leaving me drained and unable to remain in an upright position.

So I need to sneak some extra movement into my day. Dear readers do you have any tips for me? What do you do to add a bit more movement into your day?

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Monday, December 10, 2007

Family Fun Stuff

The Christmas Season is here! I know many of you celebrate by using an advent calendar. To find great devotionals to go with your daily activities check out Melissa's daily devotionals

We try to do a family activity every night of advent. Some nights there just isn't time but we usually come up with something fun.

Rudolph night: Rudolph was shown on tv several nights ago (don't worry you can rent it if you missed it). Before it came on we made a reindeer centerpiece for the table.

I folded long rectangles of brown paper into a triangle and taped. We traced our hands on light brown paper and added these for antlers. Wiggle eyes and pom pom noses completed the look. These are cute but did not show up well in the pic.

During the commercials we played where's Rudolph: hide a stuffed reindeer toy somewhere in the house. The person who's it then searches with hot/cold hints.

This is easy enough and fun enough for even dysfunctional families! Go Rudolph!

If you like this and want more, leave a comment and I'll add some to my craft blog.

Saturday, December 8, 2007

The Rest of the Story

Now the answer you've all been waiting for...............................

Number 7 is false, I never went skinny dipping at a men's correctional facility!

Now here's the inside scoop on a couple of other's (sorry Bee)

Stolen car: Three girls out gallivanting. The driver needs to pick up something at her house, she goes in, we wait. Wouldn't it be funny if we drove the car around the block and when she comes out there's no car? She'll really crack up over that one ha haw. Her dad was a huge as*wipe so he called the police to report that we stole the car. So we had to wait at her house, with the as#wipe for the police to arrive. The police were like this is stupid but he can press charges. I had to do a lot of fast talking to get the cop to convince the as#wipe to let it go.

Ripped off pants- High school: Jean-uh and Jean Knee are harassing a boy. He tries to get away but they grab the pockets on the back of his corduroy pants from Sears and they rip. Jean-Uh and Jean Knee collapse on the ground laughing hysterically, boy thinks he has escaped and walks around a bit before someone tells him his pants are torn and about to fall off (tighty whiteys if you were wondering.)

The rest need no clarification. See, I'm still the same innocent Jean Knee you have come to know and love.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Random Meme

Bee tagged me for 7 random things.

Here Goes:

1. I attended bar tending school and graduated with honors.

2. I once stole a car and barely escaped being arrested by chatting up the
arresting officer.

3. I used a dead relative's false teeth to teach children the proper way to brush teeth. A co-worker said it was disgusting so I sent her the teeth in an intra-office envelope.

4. I once went skinny dipping in a water fountain at a men's correctional facility.

5. A friend had a special monogrammed spoon with a D on it (he called it the "Dale spoon") and wouldn't let anyone use it. So I licked it and put it back in the drawer.

6. I swished some one's toothbrush in the toilet.

7. Jean-Uh and I pulled and ripped a classmate's pants off. He told the principal on us but the principal didn't believe him.

Now the fun part is that one of these is false, which one do you think?

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Monday, December 3, 2007

Friday, November 30, 2007

Coffee Coffee Coffee

Can you smell it? Mmm mmmmmmmmmm Can you hear it dripping into the pot? pitter pat slosh slog pat pitpittt Do you want some? Me too. There is nothing better than a hot, fresh delicious cup of coffee to start your day. We have a timer on our coffee maker 4000 so it is brewed and ready when we rise in the a.m.

Simple pleasures like this make life sparkle. I start my morning with sparkle and simple coffee pleasure every single day.

Except today. No coffee. No sparkle.. No simple pleasure for me. I need a moment.............................................................................................................................................................................................................

My fun squashing health minded physician Dr. Grim has made coffee forbidden.

Again Johnny,....FORBIDDEN!!!!!!!!!

I may not make it through this day, but I leave you with these delightful images.

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

The Fugitive

I just read through this long boring thing. Don't torture yourself here it is quick:
Penny ran away and took another dog with her and now she's back. Why didn't I just write that to begin with? I don't know but I'm not erasing the long version. Sure it's too long and boring even for me to read, so?

Lean and I are dancin all round the living room with the leopard when da da da dah
the doorbell rings. It's not Avon or those cute Jehovah's Witness girls who used to visit once a month (I know some people may not like being visited by JW's but these girls were delightful, I loved their visits). It's Mrs. "Something I Have since Forgotten". I open the door to a sweet lady, neatly turned out who looks to be in her late 60's early 70's. I look a fright with sticking out all over the place hair and grungy house shoes. She peers around me and sees the hoard which has grown with the addition of Christmas decorations strewn about. The Horror!!

Mrs., "Your dog jumped over the fence and ran off with my dog. Very agile your dog. And I can't find them anywhere."
Me, "the black one?" (duh) Mrs., "yes, the other dog is still back there"
Me, "the dalmatian?" (double duh,).
Apparently she was out walking her dog, Penny saw them, jumped the fence, then ran away with her dog. Her dog wasn't on a leash so she can't sue me ,can she.
I told her Penny usually comes home in a couple hours not to worry.

Well she is worried, very worried. Sends her hub out on a bike yelling for the dog (this guy is old, I don't know how he powers that thing with his old man skinny legs, ), she herself rides all over the neighborhood screaming for her dog. She stops back by about every 20 minutes or so.
Finally Drew is home and takes her under his wing, consoles her, helps her look. He's sweet like that.
Penny is back in the fence this a.m. I stop by their house on the way back from dropping off Lean. Their dog's back, Mrs. had to sleep in from the trauma of the whole thing. well this thing surely went nowhere and is pointless, quit whining, worse things have happened

Monday, November 26, 2007

Put Some Butter On It

Thanksgiving is over and everyone is wondering, "what do I do with all those turkey leftovers?" I have no idea. I come from a food loving southern family and to date we have never actually had any leftovers.

This story begins several weeks ago. I was rummaging around in a kitchen cabinet and saw a little gleam out of the corner of my eye. Huh? There is supposed to be only mismatched Tupperware in there. I dug around and saw it, the waffle maker 4000, used only once a couple of years ago. Something about the way it gleamed in all that plastic gloom made me reclaim what was carelessly tossed aside. (I love run on sentences).

I gently placed it on the counter. It didn't make very good waffles, but maybe I haven't delved deeply enough into it's psyche. Of course the obvious came to me at once. Grilled cheese. It seems like a rather easy thing to prepare, but really I always get hung up on when to turn it, what temperature to put the skillet on etc. The waffle maker 4000 only has one temperature and cooks both sides simultaneously.
I quickly threw together cheese and bread, slathered WM 4000 generously with butter and in about two minutes had a perfectly golden, deliciously checkered grilled cheese sandwich. Yum. Of course the fam smelled it and wanted a taste. Many grilled cheese sandwiches in many days followed suit.

I began cooking everything in the WM 4000. If you slather it with enough butter almost anything you put in there comes out delicious.

Canned biscuits are especially easy and fast. Pull each biscuit apart into half its normal thickness, slather WM 4000 with butter and grill. It will look like a little golden waffle when its done, quickly top it with more butter and jelly. Devour.

You can even make canned meat edible with the proper slathering of butter. MMM

You can put anything between two slices of bread and it will be delectable.
Quesadillas are great in the WM 4000. I haven't fried bacon but it would probably work and not curl up like in the pan.

Just remember to put some butter on it and the possibilities will be endless. Bon Appetit.

* Jean Knee will not accept any responsibility for heart disease caused by her cooking

Saturday, November 24, 2007

Happy Thanksgiving

banner made by Sarah

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

The Crime Spree Continues

I committed yet another crime (remember the plate?). And this time I was caught by the man. I should have known Karma would bite me in the boo-tay for that stolen booty. Yeah that was lame, but it's my blog, I've had a tragic run in with the Law, so if you don't like it bite me.

I picked Lean up from school and passed a state trooper going 64 mph, and, oh yeah it was a 50 mph zone. You know the drill, don't act like you never got a ticket before.
So he hands me my ticket after much shuffling for driver's license and insurance, it being me of course I had neither but- I knew my license number so yippy woo.

Me, " I guess I shouldn't say thank you huh?" my eloquent use of language displayed yet again. Trooper, gave a crooked grin that looked like Jason Bateman but so what; as#hole gave me a ticket, " you have a safe day now". No "have a nice day" for me cause, HELLO, you just gave me a ticket. My nice day is over, but so what you probably have to work on Thanksgiving cause your Jason Bateman grin didn't work with your boss either!

Sunday, November 18, 2007

Why I Changed My Blog Template

I changed my blog template because someone feels "Your Orange Template Reminds Me Of The Time I Had Diarrhea At The Florida Orange Juice Festival".

I'm very curious to know just how many of you were reminded of a diarrhea episode after reading my blog. Please take the poll, if you would.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Why I Love Consumerism

Exhibit A: Martha Stewart; domestic goddess, mistress of the mundane, corporate genius, ex-con. My love for her is complete. Who but Martha could take a seemingly easy and innocuous household chore and raise it to excruciating levels of perfection with a 100 step direction guide complete with glossy photos?

Only Martha.

Recently I had to cancel my subscription to Martha Stewart Living because they wanted something like $30.00 to renew. Outrageous!!

If I really need to feel inferior for my household and culinary skills all I have to do is open the front door and allow the entire neighborhood to view my hoard and smell the jumbo Stouffer's frozen entree gently simmering in the microwave. All for free, absolutely no charge whatsoever. Take that Martha Stewart Omnimedia Mega Corporation Conglomerate!!

Ho, hum I really miss Martha though.............

Imagine my surprise and delight when an invitation from Martha herself arrived offering a one year subscription for me and a friend for only $15.00! Wow, just by playing hard to get I now am able to get 24 issues for $15.00 instead of the original 12 issues for $30.00. Who could say no to such savings? Not me, that's for sure. I have the need for debasement just the same as any other homemaker, I just need it at a reduced price.

My slick, Super Christmas issue will arrive any day now. Yessss!

Note: yes all you grounded home economists out there I do realize that 3/4 of the magazine is advertising so they should actually pay me to read it, but whatcha gonna do? It's a free market out there.*

* free excludes tax, surcharge, and assorted dubious fees

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Sunday, November 11, 2007

This Day; Last Year

I check my watch. As usual I'll have to hustle if I'm going to get there on time.
Great, the road's blocked off and the next road is one way. I'll have to take Austin Avenue downtown.

Okay, now look, I'm stuck behind a police car, flashing its lights and moving turtle slow. I fall back to keep a good distance between me and the law. He's moving even slower now if that is even possible. I check my watch. Huff a sigh, fall further back, keep putting along.

I notice a group of older women joyfully waving at me. I wave back. Across the street now a man with three boys all wave and yell as I drive by. Again I wave, these people all must know the wavin guy. I see still more groups waving and brandishing flags... DUH It's Veteran's Day.

I am in the Veteran's Day Parade. Not only in it, but leading it. The police cruiser is clearing the street for the parade to follow. Yikes!
I keep waving, everyone is so enthusiastic. I'm not a veteran, so maybe I shouldn't wave.

Wait a minute, my husband is a veteran. My father and grandfather are both veterans.
I used to march in the Veteran's Day Parade during high school, representing our flag corps. This celebration includes everyone, because everyone, in thousands of known and unknown ways, has been touched by a veteran.

I have as much right as anyone else to wave in this parade. I have this right because soldiers, both present and past, have served to endow me and every person here this right.

No, I won't allow this opportunity to pass me by. I putter and wave and don't once check the time.

I'm late picking Lean up from pre-school. I grab her hand and we run down Austin Ave. We become part of the crowd and now I'm an onlooker, waving, smiling, and honoring.

Friday, November 9, 2007

Jean Knee Goes to the Glamarama

The hair that made children, okay child, cry. Yesterday it was truly terrifying after the beautician had it all spiked and gelled. Today I have tamed it. Note: yes one side is shaved and one side is long, it's asymmetrical. and oh yeah it looks kewl spiked but it is humid and windy today so, sorry only boring waves.


Thursday, November 8, 2007

This Just In.....


Father Al Gore was beaten within an inch of his green lovin life by that villain, Global Warming see more here

Brothers and sisters this is an outrage!! We must come together as a people and show our love and support of Al Gore by watching him on 30 rock while noshing tacos, and then reusing the wrappers as toilet paper! We must support him before global warming knocks his lights out for good.

Thank you. That is all.

Saturday, November 3, 2007

The Day of the Dead

It's my first time celebrating The Day of the Dead. I've tried to talk the family unit into celebrating with me before but they were reluctant. This year I sweetened the pot. I began my seduction by decorating skeletons and placing them around the house. I added a colorful skull garland and began talking up fiestas, dead people and fun. Who could resist?

Carmen Miranda skeleton, Mardi Gras skeleton, Don King skeleton

.. .. . . . . . . . . . . dapper thirties style skeletons

...... . . . . . . . . . . . vintage inspired skeletons

....... . . . . . . . . . . . .skull banner

In the spirit of celebrating Dia de los Muertos we decided to eat at a local Mexican food chain (can't give the name because of the crime that ensued). We told the waiter we were in a hurry because we were going to the Day Of The Dead celebration. We ordered. Waited, waited, and waited. Finally got our food but no silver ware. Waited and waited for it. They got my order wrong I requested they fix it. Wait some more. They are out of part of it, will bring when cooked. Never happened. Waited and waited and waited. One of our party never got their order at all (a one year old so I guess they thought it didn't matter). Ask for check, request carry out box, repeat we are in a hurry, poor service has made us miss an hour already. Wait, wait.... Pay check, still no box. We need to leave fast if we are making it at all.

Well, there is no way I am leaving my $10.00 meal behind. The waiter better hustle his mass, we've explained the time restriction several times now. Okay, times up, we are leaving, I'm taking my meal, I have no choice but to take the whole plate with me. This slow poke has now forced me into a life of crime. I am outraged! it is a nice plate though.

I will probably never recover from the stress of the whole debacle!!!! People were probably staring and pointing. I expected to hear sirens pursuing me at any second!!

Somehow I recovered and enjoyed the celebration very much. There was dancing, mask making, food and frolics. The decorations were outstanding.
I will absolutely be celebrating again next year, minus my crime spree.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

The Good, the Bad, and the Ancient

Who just said that? Was that you Brian??? No, this is not a post about Mother Teresa,,Bee,,and Jean Knee. The outrage!! I am not ancient! The other two are correct however.

Candy-fest 2007 has, sadly, come to an end. The only thing left to console myself with is, well, candy. Remember NCS posted about bad candy; dum dums and those peanut butter caramels, and I will have to add candy corn to that list,ewww.
Good candy- snickers, anything chocolate, more chocolate.

I now have to add a new category to that; the ancient. Oh my! Trick or treating was uneventful, just the usual: ring doorbell, get candy, be reminded by your mom,again, to say thank you....... the usual.

Once we got back home Lean tore into her candy and told me she just ate a chocolate egg and showed me half, it was one of those snicker egg things. MMMM I love those, hope there's another one for mee..mmm..... Wait a minute, I'm ejected from my chocolate daydreams as a rather abrupt and shocking thought permeates my candy smitten brain. Isn't that an Easter candy??? Why would that be in there????
Someone gave my Lean an ancient, unwanted Easter treat from the linty bottom of a junk drawer. The Horror"
My rational part knows that candy isn't likely to rot because it is made of mostly sugar. But my mom brain is thinking ewwww my kid can't eat rotten candy!!

Of course, I dig around to make sure no more affronts to good taste are present(pun intended) and sure enough I find an Easter tootsie roll. The bunny must have been extra generous at some one's house, but please, you don't have to share your rejects, really.
Further excavation reveals a Santa Claus chocolate and a heart shaped sponge bob morsel. Three major Holidays here, none of which are Halloween. Who did this and why? If candy hasn't been eaten within a month after the actual holiday throw it away people. Just...let...go. If you have no fresh candy give out quarters or turn out your light.
Just....let....go...there is hope for you, see your doctor. Don't let this happen again.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Cram It Some More

Tomorrow is wordless Wednesday and, well, there are just no words....
Here's some stuff in my actual house right at this actual moment

I wanted to write O J was here in fake blood, but since children were visiting I refrained from doing so. I did print it on the picture at Walgreens before I printed it out for the photo album.

Next portion is for Brian, his therapist thinks if he looks at photos of spiders he will become de-sensitized. What? Yes as a matter of fact I am his therapist, he just doesn't know it yet. And you thought there was nothing free left in the world? My therapeutic services are free whether you want them or not. Lovely.

you may have to click to see spiders in photo

Little Lean made this in school

And finally, NCS gave me an idea to decorate the house with Al Gore, and I'm gonna be him for Halloween-I printed his face out on green paper, lock box, yeah baby!

but of course blogger will not upload them!!! The Horror!!!!!