Tuesday, March 31, 2009

We Have a Winner

We have a winner for the cock sucker contest, but first, check out this lovely cartoon my #1 fan sent me:

And the winner is......................................................Dan........................................................................

Congratulations Dan, you are the envy of all my readers. send me your info

jeanknee20 (at) gmail.com

Thursday, March 26, 2009

New Shop Opening and Giveaway

Opening at last: The Polka Dot Cock!!!! Yeaaaaaah baby!!! You knew it was coming and now here it is. A shop specializing in lollipops modelled after my rooster, Mr.Cocka-Doodle-Doo. He's so excited. Aren't they the kewwllest things ever? You know you want one. For free.

So here's what yer gonna do. Check out my shop http://polkadotcock.etsy.com/ then leave me some feed back here. I'll know if you cheat and don't visit the shop so just do it. I'll pick a winner after I've milked it awhile. If you link my shop I'll throw your name in twice.

Yeah I'm whoring my shop on my blog--so?

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Monday, March 23, 2009

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Disappointment That is Changing Plans

Spring break, yeah baby! I was supposed to be ensconced in a beach house at the beach for the week and visit Shlitterbahn water park. No I don't care how it's spelled. Yeah, that would be fun but not the most fun, nope, not at all.

The funnest of the fun was I had a date with Elasticwaistbandlady to meet at Pancho's Mexican Food Buffet and gorge until I couldn't move, and then enjoy the ensuing gas. I've been practicing tooting out "You are my Sunshine" and really I'm pretty good. It was going to be a surprise.
One of her sons had challenged me to a chimichanga eating contest. He might have won but my digestive track is older and can produce viler smells than he's ever even imagined.

Know what happened instead? Cold temperatures and rain. Here in Texas, in March. I know.
She wept like a baby on the phone when I told her we weren't coming for a fun filled week in a cold and rainy beach house. The weeping continued until I had to tell her to pull herself together, damn it,the children were watching.

It's not over, one day we will meet.........................................

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Joaquin Phoenix Exclusive Interview With Ozzy Osborne

Joaquin Phoenix star of 'Two Lovers ' was granted an interview with Heavy Metal Megastar Ozzy Osborne. Phoenix recently quit acting to pursue a carrer in music. Let's see what advice Ozzy has for breaking into the music scene. This interview is unedited.

Joaquin: Buhhhja qqg dyio o OZZY lah lahhh buhhhjdy ysusun suopllj??

Ozzy: @#$% #%$%$ $%^ &$@( Wanker @^%$&@

Joaquin: buhhbuh buh buh buhhhh buh buh buh buyh bub buh la la la laffo fo foo?

Ozzy: Wah wuhhh fah quert le $ ^% $%#@ sde fiwpgj SHARON!!! vhfy sref v

Joaquin: whuu whu whuu daa yaaa dooo?

Ozzy: buh buhh buh wahhahw NAKED hyg %$&*# aen yiooouu sdg MICK &*^JaGGER
dggueros $#@% ^& GDTY

The interview ended prematurely when both participants peered off into space without another word. Now I think we know why Phoenix has decided to pursue a career in rap.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Has This Ever Happened To You?

Your husband tells you you look weird like some thing's wrong. You tell him to leave you alone or you'll kick him. He says you can't kick him and probably fantasizes about you snapping an exactly executed Tai Bo Karate kick to his head which he blocks by grabbing your foot in mid air and tipping you backwards to the ground.

Only you barely kick out at him and your shoe rips the skin off his stomach. It's so funny you can not stop laughing and it drives him to tell your daughter on you and show the evidence?

I kicked his mass at Wii boxing too.