Wordless Wednesday: FAIL

Swim Lessons

Two weeks ago I signed my daughter,Lean, up to take swim lessons from a local teacher who teaches at her house. Things went fine. Lean found a friend, she wasn't too scared etc.The parents sat on a shaded porch lush with flowers, rocking chairs a nice breeze. Everyone was friendly and chatty. I learned all about Barb's grandchildren and husband. Kelly updated us on the current book she was reading every day. Everybody cheered the kids on--it was nice--I looked forward to it every day.

We went on vacation for a week and Lean did okay in the hotel pool but still needed some lessons. So this week we returned. This was a different class on its second week so everyone was new to us. Lean went down to the pool and I went to the porch and said "Hi" to everyone.I was answered with blank stares. Okay, they may be shy. So I sat down and asked the mom next to me the general stuff. Answered with one word answers no eye contact. Okay maybe I smell funny whatever, there's always tomorrow.Well today is tomorrow so we went back. Once again"HI" ; blank stare. I see a mom that was in the last session with us (who was friendly and all before). I say "hi what's new etc. ) nothing but a couple of two word mumbles. No less than four of the moms immediately began to talk on cell phones. Then they had the nerve to speak in another language so I couldn't even eavesdrop. bummer .

Of course it became obvious that they all had rods up their bums. Gone were the fluffy little chit chats to be replaced by stiff anal rods. My word! who ordered those things?Do you purchase them and have them installed or are they something you catch from others? Well I guess the mom from the first session must have caught it somehow during the week we were on vacation. This is alarming to me, will I also catch a stiff rod up my arse from swim lessons? Hope not , but just in case I'm wearing two pairs of underwear and some thick jeans tomorrow. I also will not be bending over.

* If this seems familiar you are just delusional, but whatever I don't want the bloghounds after me.

Flubbed

My daughter went to dance camp. You know what that means; One Hour to myself. One Hour to not answer questions, One Hour to not debate about who is the kinder pony: Pinkie Pie or Dream Drifter. One Hour.

The only place worthy of spending my One Hour was Barnes & Noble. I do love to read so I began scouting the place out, planning which section to conquer first when out of the corner of my eye I saw it. Satan's Lure, Starbucks Coffee. Mmm. Of course Dr. Grim forbade me to drink coffee so I move on.

Here is the new fiction, great. Know what else would be great? Coffee. I could go right in there and order me a sinful cuppa Joe right now. No witnesses. Mmmm

Oh yes I love this author. What, is that a new book? Awesome. Who would know, anyway it's not like one cup will kill me, probably. Mmm. Hot, creamy, caffeine laden coffee...... Wait, remember the last time you were in Starbucks how you needed a cypher to understand the menu? Do you want a Latte, a cappuccino, a mochaccino, a frappaccino or a cafe au lait. What size do you want a tall grande or something with a v? What additions would you like; a flavored syrup, hot cream, sprinkles... Oh yeah now I remember I ordered a medium coffee from the girlie boy clerk and was told no they had grand organic Sumatra-Peru blend to save the rain forest or a Kopelani blend with a crisp body and citrusy flavor notes. Wow, that was a horrible memory.

Better go check out the magazines. Dang, no Somerset Life. Might as well drift into Starbucks and see if I can understand the menu. Tall, grand, iced mocha libres. Uh.. What is a frappaccino?Is it coffee and milk? Coffee is so good, Juan Valdez is kinda cute. So is his donkey. I haven't visited my donkey friends for a while, will they remember me?

Focus On The Menu. Cafe au lait, isn't that a color, didn't Jean-uh paint her living room that color? Was that a creamy coffee color?

I'm doing it, I'm about to order a sinful coffee, must concentrate. Wasn't Mr. Coffee the first drip coffee maker? Bet they made a million smackaroos. Why is drip better than perked: something about anti oxidants......

"May I Take your order, please?" CRAP!! Every coffee related thought flew from my mind at once. I gaped at the clerk. Huh?? wha?.. Uhhhhhh

"Small hot chocolate please!" ..............so smooth really. I was supposed to say tall hot chocolate but the lady didn't even blink.

Sooo close. Sigh.

There's Something about Drew

There's something about Drew. I can't put my finger on it, there's just something.

He can never hear me. Sure this is typical of marriage but still. About a month ago he went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a massive inner ear infection, took antibiotics and felt better- but not right on.

Things got worse. He had coughing fits and couldn't hear us at all. By now we were yelling at him to be heard.

He decided to clean out his ears in the shower. He cleaned and squirted away, and look what fell out.

I think it's an orange seed. There's just something about Drew.

Wordless Wednesday: Banished to the Backyard for Lewd Behavior

The Return

TODAY IS MY ONE YEAR BLOG ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!!!!! YAHOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm not doing anything to celebrate it so if you got all excited about a giveaway or free money sorry, get over it.

Now for my week off. We went to the beach, it was fun, the end. What, more detail?

We stayed at the same beach house we always do, it was our fourth time there. I really had an eerie feeling when we pulled up in the drive, things seemed different somehow. I checked all over the house searching for signs that I had been there before. The not awesome but merely acceptable beach mat was gone from the closet where I left it. Why??? Who would want it? I got it for free at a trade show. It wasn't worth taking but no, it was gone. Vanished.

I searched through the cabinet that held the books for summer reading. The book I left the year before was gone, vanished. Okay whatever, further searching found it at the bottom of the stack pushed to the very back. Impossible, that's The Robber Bride by Margaret Atwood, it would never end up unread and shoved aside, clearly something in the house was amiss. I felt the hair stand up on my neck as a chill ran down my spine.

I ran quickly to look in the utility closet where I had left 8 handmade and totally awesome flags for sand castle building. They too were gone. No wait, they were too awesome to resist and I had left them to be used by others. But still I had a feeling the house didn't really want me there.

Later that day after tons of beach fun I was showering. I had that psycho feeling, yaht,yent yat yet. I finished quickly and reached for the towel. It stuck to the towel rack so I tugged it. It resisted so I tugged it harder and the whole damn thing broke right off the wall. So there went our renter's deposit right down the drain.

The house did not want me there. At all.

Later as I was getting ready for bed I walked to my suitcase and was assaulted by an unknown assailant. I didn't know what had even happened until the next day when my husband looked at me with horror written all over his face. There were bruises left on my leg by the unknown assailant. What was happening in this house? Each day more and more bruises appeared as if I had been beaten, but no one was ever in the room when they appeared. Oh the absolute horror! Finally one day I felt a severe leg pain and noticed that the evil,pointed bed post attacked me. Ouch. It had been doing this all week as if it had a score to settle with me. I had to walk around in a swimsuit with my legs looking like this:

none of you people better be looking for cellulite or razor stubble

Anyway yadda yadda , I'm back home where my house wants me, things stay affixed to the wall and the bed has never, ever assaulted me.

Going out of town, be back next week

Of course I'll still be peeking in