Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
This Atrocity Against Mankind Can Happen to You Too; Even if You are a Bad Ashe
Can you smell it? Mmm mmmmmmmmmm Can you hear it dripping into the pot? pitter pat slosh slog pat pitpittt Do you want some? Me too. There is nothing better than a hot, fresh delicious cup of coffee to start your day. We have a timer on our coffee maker 4000 so it is brewed and ready when we rise in the a.m.
Simple pleasures like this make life sparkle. I start my morning with sparkle and simple coffee pleasure every single day.
Except today. No coffee. No sparkle.. No simple pleasure for me. I need a moment.............................................................................................................................................................................................................
My fun squashing health minded physician Dr. Grim has made coffee forbidden.
Again Johnny,....FORBIDDEN!!!!!!!!!
I may not make it through this day, but I leave you with these delightful images.
This can and does happen to millions of people every day. Where is the humanity??
(special words of comfort go out to Andy, you poor man you)
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Be Back Soon
Just some stuff:
1. Ted still hasn't answered my email which means we're good
2.I still haven't written Evelyn
3. I found better pictures of Mr.Edless' gory neck stump
4. Lean and I got burned, in the literal sense- we are wounded, at a party
5. MIL and nephew coming tomorrow (MIL still in Chicago so she may be snowed in )
1. Ted still hasn't answered my email which means we're good
2.I still haven't written Evelyn
3. I found better pictures of Mr.Edless' gory neck stump
4. Lean and I got burned, in the literal sense- we are wounded, at a party
5. MIL and nephew coming tomorrow (MIL still in Chicago so she may be snowed in )
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Monday, December 15, 2008
Evelyn
I was at Melissa's blog yesterday, she has a very cool family activity with photos and garland. Then I saw she had a whitepages something or other link you can use to find people. I immediately had to use it so I put my first roommate from college's name in there and guess what? I found her. Evelyn. My first ever roommate.
I was a dumb transfer student coming in and she was a senior in her last year going out. Remember I grew up in a small town in Texas population 400. She was a Houston debutante. Of course I'm all sophisticated and well spoken now, but there was a time when calling me a bumpkin would have been a compliment.I don't know how she could stand me but she did.
Evelyn was smart and beautiful and, most of all, stylish. She had style while the rest of us were stuck in the trends of the eighties. I wanted to look like her, dress like her; even just sitting near her was enough. No, we weren't very much alike but somehow we became friends anyway. We had a lot of fun that year. One of her friends even warned me that "Evelyn does not like room mates". She could be very kick ass when she needed to be. She could put someone in their place without ever demeaning herself. She should have ripped me to shreds but she didn't.
In short, I loved that girl.(in a totally non gay way, Dan!) She kind of took me under her wing and dragged me along with her. I needed a lot of dragging.
You may have guessed that things didn't end well. Towards the end of the school year Evelyn and I starting bickering over little, stupid things. If I had been mature enough to look outside myself I would have seen that Evelyn was anxious about getting a job, getting married, just getting a life in general.
Our last fight was a good one. I have no idea how it started or ended. I do know at one point during our screaming she threw a hard plastic cup at my head and it bounced off like I was rubber girl. I was so furious I didn't even feel it. And then: I pushed her into the sink.
Not our finest hour but at least we didn't scratch or pull each other's hair.
She graduated, I had my summer at home. The End. Not quite. One day Evelyn showed up and once again we were giggling roommates. She didn't just run off into the sunset like I might have done, she came to drag me along like always.
She lived in the area and we saw each other on the weekends and had adventures just the same.
Eventually she moved back to Houston, I moved home and began my first year of teaching. We wrote letters until one day I just didn't write back. I have no idea why, I guess we were just going our separate ways.
So see it wasn't a bad ending really, just the way things go in life. Only now I have her address and her mother's phone number. I don't know if I should call her, send her a postcard, or just look through college photos and do nothing.
I wish she were here to drag me along.
I was a dumb transfer student coming in and she was a senior in her last year going out. Remember I grew up in a small town in Texas population 400. She was a Houston debutante. Of course I'm all sophisticated and well spoken now, but there was a time when calling me a bumpkin would have been a compliment.I don't know how she could stand me but she did.
Evelyn was smart and beautiful and, most of all, stylish. She had style while the rest of us were stuck in the trends of the eighties. I wanted to look like her, dress like her; even just sitting near her was enough. No, we weren't very much alike but somehow we became friends anyway. We had a lot of fun that year. One of her friends even warned me that "Evelyn does not like room mates". She could be very kick ass when she needed to be. She could put someone in their place without ever demeaning herself. She should have ripped me to shreds but she didn't.
In short, I loved that girl.(in a totally non gay way, Dan!) She kind of took me under her wing and dragged me along with her. I needed a lot of dragging.
You may have guessed that things didn't end well. Towards the end of the school year Evelyn and I starting bickering over little, stupid things. If I had been mature enough to look outside myself I would have seen that Evelyn was anxious about getting a job, getting married, just getting a life in general.
Our last fight was a good one. I have no idea how it started or ended. I do know at one point during our screaming she threw a hard plastic cup at my head and it bounced off like I was rubber girl. I was so furious I didn't even feel it. And then: I pushed her into the sink.
Not our finest hour but at least we didn't scratch or pull each other's hair.
She graduated, I had my summer at home. The End. Not quite. One day Evelyn showed up and once again we were giggling roommates. She didn't just run off into the sunset like I might have done, she came to drag me along like always.
She lived in the area and we saw each other on the weekends and had adventures just the same.
Eventually she moved back to Houston, I moved home and began my first year of teaching. We wrote letters until one day I just didn't write back. I have no idea why, I guess we were just going our separate ways.
So see it wasn't a bad ending really, just the way things go in life. Only now I have her address and her mother's phone number. I don't know if I should call her, send her a postcard, or just look through college photos and do nothing.
I wish she were here to drag me along.
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Ted Nugent II
You know how I like to beat a dead horse, right? Well some of you are doubters. You don't think that was really Ted Nugent in line behind me at Drug emporium. Or you might think I made it up. Let's get something straight, I never make up my blog posts. I know it seems like an inordinate amount of interesting things happen to me. They just do, I can't explain it.
I guess I should tell you Ted lives only about ten miles away from me. It is hunting season and his dogs undoubtedly love milk bones. And yes that was absolutely Ted Nugent behind me at Drug Emporium. You can't really get him mixed up with anyone else. Not even here in Podunk Texas.
So I emailed Ted with a link to my post about him and what did I find? He has a free email which he won't answer and one you can pay $30.00 to subscribe to and he will answer. I used the free one and since he hasn't commented I know for sure he got it. That man is a freaking genius. So now, for a limited time only you can subscribe for $20.00 per year to my blog and I will personally answer all your comments. That's a ten dollar savings over Ted.
Now that's a bargain.
I guess I should tell you Ted lives only about ten miles away from me. It is hunting season and his dogs undoubtedly love milk bones. And yes that was absolutely Ted Nugent behind me at Drug Emporium. You can't really get him mixed up with anyone else. Not even here in Podunk Texas.
So I emailed Ted with a link to my post about him and what did I find? He has a free email which he won't answer and one you can pay $30.00 to subscribe to and he will answer. I used the free one and since he hasn't commented I know for sure he got it. That man is a freaking genius. So now, for a limited time only you can subscribe for $20.00 per year to my blog and I will personally answer all your comments. That's a ten dollar savings over Ted.
Now that's a bargain.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Secret Santa Sucks
So my gift is for a very interesting uh, "guy?" Nooter the dog.
Well Nooter I noticed this on your blog
Apparently you wind a rubber band firmly around your testicles and in a few weeks they will fall off. Then bingo, no more need for condoms. Awesome Huh? And there's plenty left over for your friends. ENJOY
Well Nooter I noticed this on your blog
So many males feel this very same way, plus in these hard economic times condoms can be expensive. Therefore I have the perfect gift for you:
Apparently you wind a rubber band firmly around your testicles and in a few weeks they will fall off. Then bingo, no more need for condoms. Awesome Huh? And there's plenty left over for your friends. ENJOY
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Wednesday with Words
I hate shopping. Especially this time of year. People pushing, grabbing, generally just being in the way. Hate it. I'm a hater.
So yesterday I had been shopping awhile (after supervising a field trip where there was a sub instead of the real teacher) and was finally calling it quits at Drug Emporium. I was purchasing Christmas candy and a box of almond roca cookies which I gorged on, reeling in my shame later on the way home.
In the middle of my transaction two boxes of milk bones were placed on the counter in my space.In my space, during my transaction. Normally I wouldn't think a thing about it but I had shopper's rage so I just stood there and didn't move. Just like when the
old lady tried to push me. Yeah, I'm not movin. Finally I look at the person encroaching on my counter space. Oh gack!!! The poor guy has his hands entirely full of those beef jerky treats individually wrapped and some other stuff. Remorse hit me at once, I scooted over and said to put his stuff down. I looked again and it was rock legend Ted Nugent dressed in camouflage and a kewl hat. Oh the horror!! I had just dissed Ned Nugent. I hear he's a nice guy, outspoken of course but a genuinely nice guy. I said sorry I was in a daze buh buh buh (shopper's rage is like being in a daze isn't it?). What if he had been an old man with a cane with just a tentative grip on his depends and denture adhesive? He could have fallen over or something. Thankfully it was a strong guy. Whewww!
I'm sorry Ted. How horribly rude of me. I will now look when someone is behind me and will now only bull headedly not move if it is a teenager plugged into his i-pod while simultaneously text messaging and taking a picture of my "puckered in disdain pursed lips expression" to send over teh internets with a caption like "What? You swallow those horse pill vitamins? I thought they were suppositories. Dang".
Live and Learn
So yesterday I had been shopping awhile (after supervising a field trip where there was a sub instead of the real teacher) and was finally calling it quits at Drug Emporium. I was purchasing Christmas candy and a box of almond roca cookies which I gorged on, reeling in my shame later on the way home.
In the middle of my transaction two boxes of milk bones were placed on the counter in my space.In my space, during my transaction. Normally I wouldn't think a thing about it but I had shopper's rage so I just stood there and didn't move. Just like when the
old lady tried to push me. Yeah, I'm not movin. Finally I look at the person encroaching on my counter space. Oh gack!!! The poor guy has his hands entirely full of those beef jerky treats individually wrapped and some other stuff. Remorse hit me at once, I scooted over and said to put his stuff down. I looked again and it was rock legend Ted Nugent dressed in camouflage and a kewl hat. Oh the horror!! I had just dissed Ned Nugent. I hear he's a nice guy, outspoken of course but a genuinely nice guy. I said sorry I was in a daze buh buh buh (shopper's rage is like being in a daze isn't it?). What if he had been an old man with a cane with just a tentative grip on his depends and denture adhesive? He could have fallen over or something. Thankfully it was a strong guy. Whewww!
I'm sorry Ted. How horribly rude of me. I will now look when someone is behind me and will now only bull headedly not move if it is a teenager plugged into his i-pod while simultaneously text messaging and taking a picture of my "puckered in disdain pursed lips expression" to send over teh internets with a caption like "What? You swallow those horse pill vitamins? I thought they were suppositories. Dang".
Live and Learn
Wednesday, December 3, 2008
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Another Mexican Restaurant Tail
La Fiesta is one of my favorite Tex-Mex restaurants. They have a full menu with traditional fare and some more exotic dishes. We were perusing the menu when Rim said, "There's chihuahua on the menu", and pointed. I said ha ha how nice. The fact is I couldn't really read the menu because I have that middle aged thing where your arm is suddenly too short to hold the menu out far enough for you to see it. Plus Rim is one year older than me and no way I'm gonna let her eyes be better than mine. Rim: Isn't that chihuahua??? I look very closely, concentrating hard. Yes, it did say chihuahua. So of course we joked around, our men ignored us, and our children hung off us.
Then I remembered Silly Saturday. Yes! NCS was leaving it to us this week. Hmmmm Well it is Saturday and that is silly so I ripped it out of its protective sleeve and slipped it into my jacket pocket. I know this sounds a little like when I accidentally stole that Plate but this is completely different. That happened on the day of the dead and this was November 22.
When I got home I googled cooked chihuahua and look what came up. Mmmmm Hmmm tasty is right.
Then I remembered Silly Saturday. Yes! NCS was leaving it to us this week. Hmmmm Well it is Saturday and that is silly so I ripped it out of its protective sleeve and slipped it into my jacket pocket. I know this sounds a little like when I accidentally stole that Plate but this is completely different. That happened on the day of the dead and this was November 22.
When I got home I googled cooked chihuahua and look what came up. Mmmmm Hmmm tasty is right.
and for your Thanksgiving delight here is a chihuahua dressed as a turkey. I think it's kinda like a turducken . Mmm
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Saturday, November 15, 2008
It's Saturday
A while ago Bee and Tracy gave me some kind of award type thing where you tell six things you love. I couldn't think of anything witty but I really like comments so I'm gonna write something anyway.
1. Candy. I love it so much Lean has her candy drawer inventoried so I don't eat any while she's at school.
2. I love my big huge, jiggly butt. People can identify me on the street just by recognizing my butt. (can't put a photo or the neighbors will recognize it and my anonymity will be ruined, sorry pervs)
3. Augusten Burroughs. I love his biographical story-oes. I am not, however, recommending him to any of you to read.
4. I love sweet little cupcake, tea party , girlie glam, sugar coated things.
5. I love strange little dried toad, Lizzie Borden, fake teeth jumping, zombie killin, kick ass things.
6. I love how one of our neighbors keeps stealing our paper and how we are going to set up a camera and catch the dill weed in the act.
Now, I'm supposed to pass it on to six people but I'm not, cuz I'M A REBEL!
who just laughed
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Saturday, November 8, 2008
I Went to Friday's on a Saturday and got the Shaft
You know what's good? That Jack Daniel's chicken from Friday's. We went there tonight just so I could enjoy some but, egads no grilled cheese for Lean. What kind of place doesn't have grilled cheese? Really? We requested grilled cheese because we're elitist pigs who think the world revolves around them and all of our wishes should be pandered to. They said okay but they'd have to use the garlic bread, we said okay.
When it arrived Lean didn't like it so she didn't eat it. When we get the bill they charged that grilled cheese as a rib dinner, the most expensive one on the menu. The waitress says some nonsense about how the bread costs a dollar a piece and then they had to use cheese, that still should only come out to 3-4 dollars in my book. So she goes on and on and Drew blurts out We're done here, tell your manager we won't be back. She tries to backslide and say she'll take it off our bill, which should have already been done because Lean didn't eat it. Instead they charged us the highest price they could. Whatever happened to service I ask you?
Blah blah this post is boring and went nowhere, probably cuz I'm wasted from that Jack Daniel's chicken. You could have stopped reading.
When it arrived Lean didn't like it so she didn't eat it. When we get the bill they charged that grilled cheese as a rib dinner, the most expensive one on the menu. The waitress says some nonsense about how the bread costs a dollar a piece and then they had to use cheese, that still should only come out to 3-4 dollars in my book. So she goes on and on and Drew blurts out We're done here, tell your manager we won't be back. She tries to backslide and say she'll take it off our bill, which should have already been done because Lean didn't eat it. Instead they charged us the highest price they could. Whatever happened to service I ask you?
Blah blah this post is boring and went nowhere, probably cuz I'm wasted from that Jack Daniel's chicken. You could have stopped reading.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
Why I am a Butt Hole
I voted yesterday. Surprisingly the lines were short to nonexistent, yesss. I walk right in no wait. There is one guy in front of me, I get behind him, not too closely , and Drew gets behind me. I notice they have tons of volunteers but no cookies and hot chocolate like our other voting place. Da da da da dat, hm hmm hm. An elderly lady approaches Drew, manhandles him and tells him to line up to the side or he'll get run over. There is no one behind him to run over him but he's polite so he does it. The old lady then manhandles me, putting her hands on my shoulder and pushing me. I dig in my heels and won't budge. She shoves harder, I dig in deeper. Then I'm next so it's a moot point. We vote, we leave.
We're out in the car and I ask Drew why he thinks I'm such a butt hole. Smart man says " why"?
"You know how when the old lady tried to make me move I flat out wouldn't do it. She's just an old lady. Probably a former fourth grade teacher used to moving people and lines around and she was having a good time. So why do you think I just couldn't have moved and humored her?"
Drew: "She told you do move, she didn't ask you to move. If someone tells you to do something you won't do it. If someone ASKS you to do something and it's reasonable you'll usually do it."
Me: "plus she tried to push me"
Drew: "yeah"
So that's why. All this time I never figured it out. I hope when our new President takes office he's a butt hole too.
We're out in the car and I ask Drew why he thinks I'm such a butt hole. Smart man says " why"?
"You know how when the old lady tried to make me move I flat out wouldn't do it. She's just an old lady. Probably a former fourth grade teacher used to moving people and lines around and she was having a good time. So why do you think I just couldn't have moved and humored her?"
Drew: "She told you do move, she didn't ask you to move. If someone tells you to do something you won't do it. If someone ASKS you to do something and it's reasonable you'll usually do it."
Me: "plus she tried to push me"
Drew: "yeah"
So that's why. All this time I never figured it out. I hope when our new President takes office he's a butt hole too.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Halloween Costumes
Thursday, October 30, 2008
This is No Joking Matter
Today at campaign headquarters this inflammatory picture depicting decapitated and plucked chickens was sent via email. It was titled "Four Chicks in a Hot Tub".
Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo has been sequestered while Secret Service agents and FBI officials determine whether this is a death threat. Mr.CDD is reportedly resting and in good spirits.
Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo has been sequestered while Secret Service agents and FBI officials determine whether this is a death threat. Mr.CDD is reportedly resting and in good spirits.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
My Cock Sucker Has a Broken Pecker...And I Didn't Even Notice
Since I began blogging I have sent and received some amazing gifts. Bacon mints, fake boogers., lovely jewelry, funny cards, even my own pet. Recently I was opening a most awesome package and look what I found:
That's right, a fun rooster candy maker. My thoughts exactly. How much fun will it be to make candy look like Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo? Sweeeet. I unwrapped another cute package and found a rooster lolly already made! While admiring this confectionery masterpiece--look at those details people-- I noticed a professional looking tag:
Well, the words cock sucker jumped right off the page. See, my innocent pure mind never once thought cock sucker. SNOOORT. hee hee. Loved it.
So of course I emailed this artist extraordinaire my thanks and eternal admiration. She emailed back that she was sorry his pecker broke off. Huh, wha??His pecker? Oh geez I looked his nether regions over- everything seemed to be intact. Of course there was no pecker.
Boy, did I feel silly. Indeed, my cock sucker did have a broken pecker. I was just looking in the wrong place.
Wow. I know.
I may be selling cock suckers in my shop soon, shall I put you down for three?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Blogging Without Obligation
Sure it sounds good. Writing what you want when you want to write it. Well, I want to write stuff, now. Except I don't have anything to write about. NOTHING. Ever.
Here are some possible posts that I rejected this week:
"Why My Agoraphobia is More Fun Than Tooth Decay"
"I Like My Religion Like I like My Men, Fast and Faster"
"My Cock Sucker Has a Broken Pecker"-- and I didn't even notice
"Your Dog Made Me Late so Now You Have to Take My Kid to School"
"What I Want to be for Halloween"
So, which was the most intriguing, and why?
I'll try again tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Adventure at Walmart
Wow. There are plenty of women's clothes here and, yes, George is a popular brand. Hmm. they're not bad, affordable. Wait, I'd still have to try them on. Or I could just purchase them and return the rejects. Naaaaa. Then I'd have to come back and stand in line.. Best to keep moving.
Minutes later I plop my wares on the conveyor belt: candy bar, Halloween banner, cupcake picks, corn dogs, soda. Say hi to cashier in a totally bland, non emotion showing tone. While watching my purchases add up I notice corn dogs on there twice. I say, blandly again, "Did you scan the corn dogs twice?" The cashier AKA Pollyanna Deathstar lilts " I sure did!!! :) :)
and I took one off !!! :) :)
(aren't you just so adorable, I could eat you up! Yes I could!! With a side of slaw and an extra sharp toothpick!! )
I stand there bland as oatmeal. Pollyanna Deathstar: " I'm sooo sorry you're having a bad day!!! :( Look here at the receipt, I scanned the corn dogs twice and then I took one off!! :)
I just look at her totally benign and non emotional again. Say nothing whatsoever.
Pollyanna Deathstar: "Ohhhh, I hope your day gets better !!! :)
I know I should have told her to Bite Me but I was stunned. I tell you she was good, really good. Put me in my place and made me bitter all by using her patented, sugar coated, Pollyanna Deathstar monologue. It's a gift.
Here is a cinquain I wrote in her honor:
Minutes later I plop my wares on the conveyor belt: candy bar, Halloween banner, cupcake picks, corn dogs, soda. Say hi to cashier in a totally bland, non emotion showing tone. While watching my purchases add up I notice corn dogs on there twice. I say, blandly again, "Did you scan the corn dogs twice?" The cashier AKA Pollyanna Deathstar lilts " I sure did!!! :) :)
and I took one off !!! :) :)
(aren't you just so adorable, I could eat you up! Yes I could!! With a side of slaw and an extra sharp toothpick!! )
I stand there bland as oatmeal. Pollyanna Deathstar: " I'm sooo sorry you're having a bad day!!! :( Look here at the receipt, I scanned the corn dogs twice and then I took one off!! :)
I just look at her totally benign and non emotional again. Say nothing whatsoever.
Pollyanna Deathstar: "Ohhhh, I hope your day gets better !!! :)
I know I should have told her to Bite Me but I was stunned. I tell you she was good, really good. Put me in my place and made me bitter all by using her patented, sugar coated, Pollyanna Deathstar monologue. It's a gift.
Here is a cinquain I wrote in her honor:
Pollyanna.
Sweet, sincere,
Grinning, leering, deceiving,
Makes me want to heave,
Asswipe.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Monday, September 29, 2008
Miss Havisham
Miss Havisham wore her ruined wedding dress until the day she died. But all was not in vain. I found her, dusted her off and now she and Lizzie Borden are friends. They may even have tea together. If they do, Miss Havisham can serve her moldering wedding cake. Lizzie can slice it with her axe. Best Friends Foreveh
Pip would be proud.
Look how long her hair has grown during all those lonely years. Fabulous!
Saturday, September 27, 2008
I Tried The Gravity Method
Ahhh back to school. New backpacks, new clothes, new school supplies. New cold germs flying around the classroom. Lean brought home the first cold of the new school year. Fine for her she had it two days, a week and a half later I still have it but now its morphed into a sinus infection.
So I'm in Dr. Grimm's office (remember him? the one who took my caffeine and reason for living away? He's hardcore) and he has his light shoved up my nose (that's what she said, Bee) and he says:
" Your membranes are so swollen I can't even see into your sinuses (I'm thinking he means there are too many boogers to get a good look but was just being nice) Hmmm, have you ever used a Neti Pot?"
WTF, does he think my sinuses got swollen from sniffing some illegal and potentially titillating substance with what must surely be some bong type apparatus? The indignity, the nurse already asked me if I still menstruated and now this??
Oh, it's one of those teapots for your nose. Yeah I saw that on Regis and Kelly and it weren't
pretty let me tell you.
Later I'm at home after showing my daughter and her friends the teapot for my nose, yeah they wanted to try it. I mix up the water and saline in the NasaFlo Neti Pot. I bring it up to my nostril and lean over the sink. It pours in one side and comes out the other. It's not that bad, Dr. Grimm swears by it. But you see, I have a small nose and the water goes in faster than it exits so I'm forced to snort the liquid which spews all over the sink, mirror, and surrounding counter top and is very loud. Kelly made it look easy but I'm sure there's some trick I don't know about. And I have to do it twice a day. help
eww
So I'm in Dr. Grimm's office (remember him? the one who took my caffeine and reason for living away? He's hardcore) and he has his light shoved up my nose (that's what she said, Bee) and he says:
" Your membranes are so swollen I can't even see into your sinuses (I'm thinking he means there are too many boogers to get a good look but was just being nice) Hmmm, have you ever used a Neti Pot?"
WTF, does he think my sinuses got swollen from sniffing some illegal and potentially titillating substance with what must surely be some bong type apparatus? The indignity, the nurse already asked me if I still menstruated and now this??
Oh, it's one of those teapots for your nose. Yeah I saw that on Regis and Kelly and it weren't
pretty let me tell you.
Later I'm at home after showing my daughter and her friends the teapot for my nose, yeah they wanted to try it. I mix up the water and saline in the NasaFlo Neti Pot. I bring it up to my nostril and lean over the sink. It pours in one side and comes out the other. It's not that bad, Dr. Grimm swears by it. But you see, I have a small nose and the water goes in faster than it exits so I'm forced to snort the liquid which spews all over the sink, mirror, and surrounding counter top and is very loud. Kelly made it look easy but I'm sure there's some trick I don't know about. And I have to do it twice a day. help
eww
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Monday, September 22, 2008
Have a question? Just axe Lizzie.
Lizzie Borden took an axe
And gave her mother forty whacks.
And when she saw what she had done
She gave her father forty-one.
I am now the owner of the original (only one made) Lizzie Borden fairy. She is fabulous and is now hanging in my kitchen. With some skeleton friends. Read below to see what her creator says about this art piece:
"Although Lizzie Borden was acquitted, she was widely believed to be guilty of the hatched murders of her father and stepmother; no one else was ever arrested or tried, and she has remained notorious in American folklore.
This fairy is a very specialized fairy and has many interesting features incorporated into her. I have thought about making her for quite some time.She has vintage sheet music and reproduction newspaper articles from the time of the murders. Inside the box is a repro court drawing of Lizzie's trial.
*My favorite part of this fairy is the cork stopped vial of brick dust gathered from the historic site of the double axe murders of Abby and Andrew Borden. (The proceeds from the sale of the brick dust go toward renovation of the Lizzie Borden house that is currently a bed and breakfast...I have heard is a fantastic place in which to visit)
She has touches of German Glitter, and her skirt is fashioned out of German crepe paper.Fairies are created through a process of many steps. A small slide box with a hanger is attached to her back and it holds a glass vial with cork stopper that contains some brick dust from the actual home of Lizzie Borden.
Copyright ©2008 Valerie Sokol- VeryMerryFairies [!at] etsy.comAll Fairies come in a clear cellophane bag with topper and handle...suitable for gift giving.Fairy measures 7" Slide box is 2 1/8 x 1 1/8 inches ".
This is a print of an actual photo of Lizzie in front of the actual house where the murders took place. The house is currently a bed and breakfast. Anyone care to join me for a weekend?
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Whimsy II
So I took some of your suggestions to whimsify Skeleton Head Crow (SHC). Someone suggested glasses:
Then of course I tried a festive little party hat.
Now this next one took some monkeying. Here you see a jaunty pony head on SHC. Of course the licensed My little Ponies come with non-removeable heads so I had to use a dollar store My Little Phony.
Whimsy is not as easy as it may seem.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Whimsy Anyone?
As you may know I have an unhealthy addiction to crafting. Constantly. Usually it confines itself to sweet cupcake and other party decorations. I really want to break the mold and try some whimsy. You know like a woman's face on a bird smoking a cigar or a skeleton break dancing. Something fun and unexpected. Feast your eyes on this masterpiece of whimsy (trumpets trump). Skeleton Head Crow
Wow, look at that jaunty little fellow. He just looks so ......stupid. So I decided to give him a crow's beak, a little extra whimsy coming up
Now he's reached even higher levels of FAIL. What to do? Help me out people I've got whimsy block. This last pic shows him headless with a toothpick sticking out. Should I add bloody entrails? How bout confetti?
Dang
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Absence
Something was missing. The missing something was simply gone. Razed to the ground. The only part left was a concrete foundation. Oh my word. The place where I became a woman, that monument dedicated to the end of my innocence was no longer on this earth.
In a flash I was transported back to that special time and place. Eighth grade. A little young you may be thinking, but I was ready. No, more than ready, eager. Breathless with anticipation.
Thom Mc Ann, I'll always remember that name (even if I can't spell it). Oh Thom you had all a girl could ever want.
So nervous, I didn't want my inexperience to show. I didn't want to appear clumsy or unsure of myself. I wanted everything to be perfect. The dress I wore was emerald green with a bias cut skirt. My shoes were misplaced in my rush to get them off.
And then it was happening. It was at last happening to me; to me! Everything slipped into place, I was born for this. My innocent little girl feet wore high heels for the very first time, and oh how glorious they were.. Sleek brown leather, slender wooden heels. Not those abominable chunky wedge shoes of the seventies. These were delicate, womanly, perfect. I took my first steps and my ankle twisted.
In a flash I was transported back to that special time and place. Eighth grade. A little young you may be thinking, but I was ready. No, more than ready, eager. Breathless with anticipation.
Thom Mc Ann, I'll always remember that name (even if I can't spell it). Oh Thom you had all a girl could ever want.
So nervous, I didn't want my inexperience to show. I didn't want to appear clumsy or unsure of myself. I wanted everything to be perfect. The dress I wore was emerald green with a bias cut skirt. My shoes were misplaced in my rush to get them off.
And then it was happening. It was at last happening to me; to me! Everything slipped into place, I was born for this. My innocent little girl feet wore high heels for the very first time, and oh how glorious they were.. Sleek brown leather, slender wooden heels. Not those abominable chunky wedge shoes of the seventies. These were delicate, womanly, perfect. I took my first steps and my ankle twisted.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
RETRACTION
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Sing This To The Tune Of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"
Penny got run over by the ice cream truck,
standing near the road on yesterday.
You may say the ice cream truck's a god send.
But as for me and Pen we disagree.
Can you believe it? The ice cream truck ran over Penny and just kept going. We had to rush her to the emergency pet clinic where she was stapled and wrapped back together.
We will no longer be buying their ice cream. Asswipes.
standing near the road on yesterday.
You may say the ice cream truck's a god send.
But as for me and Pen we disagree.
Can you believe it? The ice cream truck ran over Penny and just kept going. We had to rush her to the emergency pet clinic where she was stapled and wrapped back together.
We will no longer be buying their ice cream. Asswipes.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Is Eddie the New Al?
So Mr. Knee asked me if Eddie Van Halen was replacing Al Gore in my affections since he's been on so much. Let's break it down.
Even though in real life Eddie is an ego maniacal a$$hole I really hated seeing Eddie all broken down, sans teeth. I searched until I learned more. Eddie had tongue cancer, yes, tongue cancer. I guess it could have rotted his teeth (I still think meth but whatever). He beat cancer and then went into rehab, it said for alcohol but come on, you saw his teeth.
2007 he is out of re-hab, has new teeth, put on some weight and shaved off his goth wannabe hair. Fabulous. I also saw him playing a concert without his shirt after rehab and did not think he should have put it back on. Also now with his neighbor next door look I think he is rather cute. Many of you disagree but you are wrong, of course.
In conclusion: Eddie hit rock bottom, came back, seems okay. If he had a different personality and I were a different person I'd date him.
Father Al on the other hand has always been dashing in every way. Sure his voice makes you want to claw your eyes out, but remember he's green and all. Go climate! Plus he wins countless awards.
In conclusion: Father Al Gore is and always will be fabulousness at its most fab. His hair is always perfect and yeah, I'd run my fingers through it.
Even though in real life Eddie is an ego maniacal a$$hole I really hated seeing Eddie all broken down, sans teeth. I searched until I learned more. Eddie had tongue cancer, yes, tongue cancer. I guess it could have rotted his teeth (I still think meth but whatever). He beat cancer and then went into rehab, it said for alcohol but come on, you saw his teeth.
2007 he is out of re-hab, has new teeth, put on some weight and shaved off his goth wannabe hair. Fabulous. I also saw him playing a concert without his shirt after rehab and did not think he should have put it back on. Also now with his neighbor next door look I think he is rather cute. Many of you disagree but you are wrong, of course.
In conclusion: Eddie hit rock bottom, came back, seems okay. If he had a different personality and I were a different person I'd date him.
Father Al on the other hand has always been dashing in every way. Sure his voice makes you want to claw your eyes out, but remember he's green and all. Go climate! Plus he wins countless awards.
In conclusion: Father Al Gore is and always will be fabulousness at its most fab. His hair is always perfect and yeah, I'd run my fingers through it.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Monday, August 4, 2008
Analyze This, Freud
I need some help understanding this dream. Am I crazy?
I was visiting a town that was having a festival/celebration of some kind. There were rides and quaint little shops. I was browsing through a knick knack shop when a friend of my mom's saw me. We talked. She was in some kind of organization that seemed like a cross between the junior league and DAR. She encouraged me to eat the chicken dinner, completely homemade by the members. I'm sure it was a fundraiser.
I got my plate withe vegetables and a large portion of chicken on top. I commenced noshing and my fork speared a battered and deep fried bat wing. I just put it aside and thought nothing of it. I kept eating. I moved the chicken around and saw two dead baby birds complete with feathers. Suddenly I moved the piece of chicken and a live white lab rat was underneath. I didn't want to scream for fear I'd hurt the ladies' feelings. The rat ran around the table and kept trying to jump in my hair. And lastly I found a cooked mouse on my plate.
I ran out and my mom's friend followed me and tried to calm me down because she didn't want bad PR for her group, I told her the rat was bigger than my finger to which she replied," well if it was that big I guess you should complain." I'm guessing a small one would have been okay?
I know sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but WTF does this mean?
I was visiting a town that was having a festival/celebration of some kind. There were rides and quaint little shops. I was browsing through a knick knack shop when a friend of my mom's saw me. We talked. She was in some kind of organization that seemed like a cross between the junior league and DAR. She encouraged me to eat the chicken dinner, completely homemade by the members. I'm sure it was a fundraiser.
I got my plate withe vegetables and a large portion of chicken on top. I commenced noshing and my fork speared a battered and deep fried bat wing. I just put it aside and thought nothing of it. I kept eating. I moved the chicken around and saw two dead baby birds complete with feathers. Suddenly I moved the piece of chicken and a live white lab rat was underneath. I didn't want to scream for fear I'd hurt the ladies' feelings. The rat ran around the table and kept trying to jump in my hair. And lastly I found a cooked mouse on my plate.
I ran out and my mom's friend followed me and tried to calm me down because she didn't want bad PR for her group, I told her the rat was bigger than my finger to which she replied," well if it was that big I guess you should complain." I'm guessing a small one would have been okay?
I know sometimes a cigar is just a cigar but WTF does this mean?
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Monday, July 28, 2008
Don't Read This If Your Gag Reflex Is Intact
I know that in this stifled economy many of you are coming up with intriguing ways to save money. I love those penny pincher tips from the Tightwad Gazette.
Drew jumped right on the "let's make our money go farther" bandwagon this past week and did the grocery shopping at Walmart. Our bill was indeed lower, fabulous.
I decided to make spaghetti for our first thrifty meal. It's fast, easy, and everyone likes it. I browned the Walmart pure beef ground meat in a gently simmering skillet. I tried to break it apart and stir it around but it wasn't breaking or stirring at all. It retained its same shape straight out of the grinder, your know that long worm like shape. eww
It looked downright disgusting but being the money saving housewifely type, I covered it with spaghetti sauce and served it. It tasted okay but when you are slurping up strands of spaghetti you don't want to have to slurp up strands of meat too.
Here's what it looked like.
I wouldn't recommend Walmart ground beef as part of your money (grubbing) saving plan. They are still the number one place for your ' cheap plastic crap from China ' needs.
Drew jumped right on the "let's make our money go farther" bandwagon this past week and did the grocery shopping at Walmart. Our bill was indeed lower, fabulous.
I decided to make spaghetti for our first thrifty meal. It's fast, easy, and everyone likes it. I browned the Walmart pure beef ground meat in a gently simmering skillet. I tried to break it apart and stir it around but it wasn't breaking or stirring at all. It retained its same shape straight out of the grinder, your know that long worm like shape. eww
It looked downright disgusting but being the money saving housewifely type, I covered it with spaghetti sauce and served it. It tasted okay but when you are slurping up strands of spaghetti you don't want to have to slurp up strands of meat too.
Here's what it looked like.
I wouldn't recommend Walmart ground beef as part of your money (grubbing) saving plan. They are still the number one place for your ' cheap plastic crap from China ' needs.
Friday, July 25, 2008
SHG Signal
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
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