Sometimes Things Get Worse With Practice

I'm not going to lie to you. I am pretty even with Martha Stewart when it comes to decorating, cooking and crafting. And I don't have a full staff to make me look good. I'm also poor. And I need to exercise... But I digress, sorry.

I found the cutest marshmallow treats and had to try them for Christmas. Here they are in all their beautiful imperfect-ness. Look how cute those sticks are. I know

Well they were not quite as beautiful as the ones in the picture so every day I made a few more and tried to perfect them. And every day they looked more perfect but tasted worse. Moral of the story? Shove it Martha.

Here's how they are supposed to look


http://onecharmingparty.com/2010/12/09/holiday-treats-chocolate-and-caramel-dipped-marshmallows/

Chirp..........Chirp

A couple of nights ago a smoke detector started chirping. We changed the battery, read online all about chirping, pushed buttons all over. The chirping stopped only to begin at 12:00 midnight. Chirp.......chirp............chirp,.,.,.,.,,..........chirp

We tried everything we could and it stopped chirping at 5:00 am. Good , okay. But at 11:23 the next night it started again. Oh the absolute and utter horror. Drew finally tore it out of the ceiling. But the freaking thing kept chirping. We read online that they can take 3 days to stop even if disconnected from a power source. Help us. Now the stinking thing was chirping where the wires were still dangling, somewhere in the gaping abyss that used to be the smoke alarm. I kept blathering that it was impossible , it would be like having your head cut off but you could still speak. What was the damn thing chirping out of?????We suffered through another chirp filled night deciding to call a professional the next day.

Drew decided to check it again and mess around with it before we called. He messed with it for some time before discovering it wasn't the one chirping. The one at the top of the stairs was chirping and it echoed into the downstairs. Smoke alarm bastard thinks he can fool us huh? We changed its battery and no more chirping.

Answer to your question: yes we are dumb enough to call someone out to fix the wrong smoke alarm. It would fit in wonderfully with the time we called someone out to fix our washer only to be told we were overfilling it, it wasn't broken. And the time the electrical outlets wouldn't work and the service guy told us to press the reset button. Yes, Virginia, we really are that dumb.

Christmas blessings to you all!

The Chain of Trust

This Thanksgiving we tried something new. On a holiday that is all about tradition I took a giant step. I decided we would all write down something we were grateful for and make a paper chain to celebrate. I always read about making a grateful tree or other similar things and so the time was now.

My family is not your average gushy love family. No feelings are ever spoken of and actually examining a feeling even as benign as thankfulness might push some over the edge. I pressed forward and most did very well. No one flat out refused which is shocking in itself. We assembled the chain and hung it from the mantel.

Later my Lean wrote something she is thankful for and added it to the chain. She didn't want anyone to read it. I respect that. But. I really want to know what she wrote. So far I haven't peeked. I so want to know what hides in the mind of a nine year old that she wants to be anonymously thankful for.

This is something I've always wondered about myself. Will I read her diary during the tumultuous teen years? Will I monitor her phone calls and internet useage? I'm pretty sure I'll have to. It's almost a given. Something I do not look forward to. Something to dread, that invasion of privacy. Even though it's to keep the love of my life safe.

But right now she's writing good things, safe things, thankful things. And even though I wish so much to read her thoughts I am so Thankful that right at this point in time I don't need to.

Just a Little Snippet

So close. So close, so close. So close. there

Finally after a day of that horrid shopping I'm up. So I scan, then bag. Scan then bag. Scan then oh my gawsh the red lights above the register start flashing. Sirens scream out. Out of nowhere two TSA looking agents rush toward me wearing rubber gloves. WHAT? My register says authorization required. This is a new one, it usually tells me to bag something I've already bagged (that's what he said).

The dudes come closer. Dude number one snaps his glove and gives me a wink. Oh good gravy I hope my underwear are clean, or at least not granny panties. I'm ready for the frisking; bring it on baby.

Dude number two says, "she's clear". huh whaaaat?

Oh right. I ask if it's because people sniff the markers (yep I bought permanent markers, contraband, killers of brain cells, not your friend.)

The answer was yeah. So I finish scanning and bagging. Thinking all the while. What just happened? Why was I cleared? Don't I appear to be a criminal type even a little bit? huh wha

So on the way out I ask, just to be sure, if I were a teenager would I not get authorization? That's right. hmmm Makes me feel safer for my tween daughter but come on . How do they know I'm not a backseat marker sniffer??

I know, I know, You've Seen It Before

But tell the truth, isn't it still funny?

Why Do You Always Have to Put a Title on These Things?

So in between cleaning out my craft hoard house and keeping up with Christmas orders I jumped over here to show you how cute Skeleton Head Crow looks in his holiday duds.

Can you say awww?

I'm Not Dead or in the Loony Bin

I know you've been missing me since all the Halloween shenanigans. I really hate to say goodbye to my favorite Holiday but it's time to move on. I'm skipping Thanksgiving since it isn't commercialized enough for me.

So, onto Christmas. Here is a Santa standing on a natural polished hemp ball.
If it doesn't sell I'm gonna smoke it.

And now a PSA

Some ass wipe has been sending emails with my friend's names on them and when you click there is just a link. When you click that it takes you to porno. Apparently I sent myself one of the links with my own email address on it. Talk about spam! huh!

Just know I will not send you any porno links, ever. I keep those all for myself. If you receive an email from me and it only has a link you don't want to open it.

Halloween Stuff

What, me worry?

This one is the most chilling. Can you see that ghost? Right there where it looks blurry or not in focus, by the hat? yep a spirit

he's a bad boy

cutest pumpkin in the known universe

just a peek leaving you wanting more

Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo is wearing pig lights. Yeah, I don't get it either

Hoping you have a great time on this, the most magical night of the year (Oct. 31)

Oops

Dang I had that thing upside down. Sorry for all the confusion. Oh and to the guy called "the savage" who wants a date.? Shove it freakshow this is a mommy blog.

The Winner

Thank you to everyone who entered the contest, all three of you. My random number generator chose the winner this morning. Kind of. Okay I put the names in a hat (not really a hat just my hand) and pulled out Brian's name! But then Brian has already received a huge wonderful prize from me so that really isn't fair. I pulled out another name, it's Bee! This one isn't fair either because Bee has gotten fabulous prizes from me plus I have actually touched her, in person, yes. Not a perv.

Third time is a charm I pulled out reforminggeek! Yea! Congratulations you finally won, (after three tries but who's counting right).

I Feel Like Having a Contest and I'll Probably Really Send the Prize This Time

My poor little Cupcake hasn't eaten in 6 days. I thought we could have a contest to see who can guess his exact last day alive. But then I thought that might be a little wrong so instead here's the alternate contest. WOO HOO!!

So you know how I make a gazillion skeletons and sometimes write a little story about them? On my etsy?. No? Whatever I like to give 'em a little history but I'm having writer's block so I want you to do it for me. For some kind of prize.

Here's a little example:

The Markham brothers are joined at the brow and share one eye. They've worked at the circus as the sinister clown for as long as they can remember. But, they are ready for something new. Won't you bring them into your home to live? They are very good with children. Especially naughty ones.

This fun skeleton is going to party 'til the sun comes up in his favorite color green. Ken is wearing his most festive hat with matching crepe paper collar. He carries a sign so everyone will know he's spooky. Last year Sandy laughed at him saying he looked lame, but not this time. Now he's spooky times 10. yeah!

And now here is the skeleton you get to name and describe. Make it good but not too long. Winner announced soon.

Go here if you need more views

http://www.etsy.com/listing/58099312/super-fun-skeleton

Cupcake II is on His Death Bed

This time we won't need the freezer

probably

Sometimes When I Walk Into My Bathroom I Have to Smile

So Anyway..

The stinkin YMCA did absolutely nothing about my party dissatisfaction. BIG NADA.
They will help the party planning slacker girls to know what is expected of them . Too bad for me my party was already ruined, cuz I bet the next party given there will be one to remember.

I've decided not to post until I can quit raging uncontrollably at nearly everything.

It may be a while.



check out GARY over there....that's what I want to focus on

It's me..

I'm the bitch. Good to know.

I probably scared you into thinking there was a bloody stump finger in Lean's cake. But there wasn't. I have really been flying off the handle lately. I just think people should do their jobs and act right. Is that really too much to expect? I hope it's just mid life crisis and my usual apathy will soon return.I'm just gonna give you the party highlights.

1.I paid a butt load of money to have the YMCA arrange my Lean's birthday party. We had one there two years ago and it was great. They did everything for you and even provided two party planners to run things.

2. We arrive, no party planners so we have to start things ourselves.
3. No decorations or cake. They put a plastic table cloth on the table and called it decorated.
4. About an hour into the party the planners show up and say they are going to get the pizza. They both pile in a car and drive away.
5. I gather up the kids and take them in for pizza , it is on the counter. The planners are supposed to pass it out. They never came back so my man passed it out. We ran out of plates, forks and cups. The plates did not match and looked used.
6.Finally Drew had them paged to get the cake. They bring it in and help Lean put on candles. We ask for a few minutes for the other kids to finish eating. They leave and never return. So I cut the cake and Drew passes it out.
7. We open presents (they were supposed to run this and write down who gave what gift. They never returned so we did it all. Then the little fools tell my man (out in the hall, they never came in the room) that after WE clean up they will come get the table clothes. HE exploded. He came and told me and then I got all over their asses. I tried to get a manager to get all over his or her ass but, surprise, no one was there.

Also during the times they were gone (the whole time except a little less than five minutes) the party guests started running around like animals cuz there was no direction AND their parents just let them do it. It was waaaaaaayyyyy worse than any day I ever had teaching kindergarten, and these are third graders. I may have gotten all over some of the parent's asses but so effing what. What kind of people let their kids run around and ruin a party like that?

And for some reason I am the one who over reacted and was wrong. I really just do not get it at all.

thanks for listening to this litany

and yes, I am the bitch

AAAAHHHHHHHH

Oh the horror!!! The ABSOLUTE HORROR. I just got back from my daughter's birthday party, it was every bit as bad as the glove in food incident.

And there was no manager to yell at so I have to wait until tomorrow. I really need a valium drip. Pray for me people.

Another Foreign Object Story

When I was a wee girl and my mom told me to chew each bite 20 times, I took it to heart. Now I chew at least 100 plus times until my food is an absolute puree before I will let it slide down my throat.

I was at the computer the other day eating some left overs from a favorite restaurant. As I began to puree a group of sauteed onions I felt something funny. Something that could not be pureed, plus it sort of squeaked. I grabbed it out of my mouth. It looked like an onion but upon further inspection it unrolled into my hand. A huge circular piece of latex. Ewww doesn't even begin to cover it. Gaze at the accompanying pictures. The last one shows it stretching.

Okay something like that just doesn't appear in one's food. The tip of a glove might break off into a dish but not an exact circle cut out of the middle of a glove. And then the piece rolled and shoved in with the onions to disguise it. No that does not just happen. Of course I was furious so Drew drove me to the restaurant. It wasn't open yet but I banged on the door any way. No one answered. Then I noticed a beer truck was making a delivery so I followed the beer guy and asked him if the manager was there buh buh buh long story short I showed it to the manager. He seemed shocked and told me they were not in the business of sabotaging the food. I repeatedly told him no way a piece of glove could have shaped itself into a circle and rolled up into the onions- someone did it on purpose. See, what really pissed me off is I found it before I ate even half the entree and it was really tasty.

He offered me my money back, I refused. Then he offered me free meals etc. Again I refused. He looked at me as if to say what do you want me to do?? Well I wanted him to drag the kitchen staff out there and yell and them in front of me and possibly fire them all that's what the hell I wanted. Why would I want to nosh on another glove in the future? Idiot.

How Could You Be Any More Famous Than You Already Are?

You may ask me. And I will answer, " by being featured in the Better Homes and Gardens Holiday Crafts issue. " Twice. Two times. Two projects. Dos. Hey do you like those Dos Equis commercials or what?

Anyway, you open the mag and there is my star tag on the second page of the table of contents. Applause.

And then in the middle of the mag there it is again. Why so popular you may ask? I have no

idea. In the past two years I have sold a total of one (1) set of star tags in my shop. I know.

Then around page 82 there are my Christmas treat cups. I also sold only one (1) order of these but still, they were only listed one year.

Of course there was one page that bore a completely unflattering photo of me and some boring bio blah, blah. I sent them an okay photo of myself...they lost it. I sent another okay photo of myself, they lost it. So I was forced at the last minute to take a horrible photo of myself without makeup and unstyled hair. They promised they would air brush it. Liars .I'm not including that page you'll have to buy it to see me. You know you wanna see.

I'm kidding about it like it was no big deal but it is really cool to see your stuff in a mag. A famous mag. ..... The only mag you'll ever buy again. ......

That's right.



Thank you Meredith publishing, I was only kidding about the air brushing but hey, you could have tried something :)

Want to Hear Something Funny?

As you know, I am a hard core bad ass on this blog. (who just laughed? Bee!) But on my craft blog I'm always sweet and placid. Well, a crafter accidentally got on this blog and started following me. I thought about heading her over to my craft blog but said "what the hey?"
The day I put up those pictures of humans kissing animals she flounced and stopped following me. ha

You know this sounded much more interesting in my head. Give me a break people, I'm a housewife.



Coming soon: Another foreign object story ---with photos
Another I'm famous story

The Spa Experience

A few years ago I went to a spa. I normally would not spend the huge amount of money to go to one but it was a job perk freebie, so I went. It was pretty awesome. You go in and kind of just hang around in these big fluffy robes sipping lemon water and chai chi tea infusions. It smells wonderful, you relax & listen to soothing music. Later on get a massage, a manicure, soak in a hot tub etc..... wow

Well today I almost got to relive my spa experience. I went for a mammogram because two of my doctors insisted it was necessary. yep. soo

I walked into the office to hear soothing music tinkling in the background. There was a huge bubbling fountain and beautiful wall hangings all over. And I sat in an area alone. Just like at the spa. I was called into another room where I changed into a fluffy robe and ended up in another lovely waiting area with soothing music. Ahhhh this is the life isn't i? Everything was spotlessly clean and lovely looking. Then I spied a table that had a huge container of lemon infused water with real sliced lemons in it. And right next to it a fancy espresso machine with every kind of cafe latte, chai tea mixes you could ever imagine. Far too soon it was time for my mammogram so I took a package of hot chocolate latte extreme with me to try at home later.

It was over quickly and I was on my way. And to tell you the truth? I really was happier and more relaxed. I felt like a person and not an appointment. If only all medical appointments could be this nice.

And then shortly after I left I remembered how the AMA now recommends mammograms starting at age 50. A decade later than previously suggested. I'm 45. Not quite there yet. Now I'm wondering if my insurance will even cover any of the appointment. If it's not recommended by the AMA they don't have to approve it no matter how many doctors told me to do it. Funny how this just came about after health care was passed. Probably by next month the AMA will have decided that pap smears aren't needed yearly, no one needs their cholesterol checked and old people should crawl into the corner never to be heard from again.

I guess in truth my spa mammogram will cost about 10 times as much as a regular spa visit.

I hate Obama and his horrid health care

The Horror Continues.................

I think the most romantic aspect of these images is how they all have their eyes closed.

Adventure With Tween

Today I was relaying some tidbit of parental wisdom to my daughter Lean, to which she replied "Talk to the hand".
mmkay
I really don't go for all than tween "whatever" type stuff.
So I told her not to even try that "talk to the hand" stuff with me.

To which she turned around and replied "Talk to the booty 'cuz the hand's off duty"

What do you even say after something like that?

I've Been Traumatized Once Again

What ever happened to good manners? They seem to be missing almost every place I go.
I went out to dinner tonight, was enjoying myself quite a bit when I spied her. The lady across from me was picking her teeth with one of those toothpick/dental floss doohickies. It wasn't just a simple little surreptitious ping with the pick. Oh no. Ms. Dental hygiene was shoving the floss part between her teeth, sawing vigorously and then flicking out particles. So disgusting but I couldn't stop watching her. It's like how your eyes are drawn to really gaggy things like roadkill, CSI, or staring at an unsightly wart on another person's face.

I kept looking. And she did not disappoint, no she did not. Saw, saw, saw flick. Saw, saw, saw flick. This went on for some time. When the bill came she let the toothpick/floss thing hang out of her mouth like a hillbilly chewing on a straw. It just dangled there for the waitress and the whole place to see. Hang, hang ,hang hang

I hate people

You Know What's Gross?

Looking down to find two flies mating on your knee. So....very....gross...

The Gators Take Fourth Place

Softball season is over and our team came in fourth place!!!!!!!!*
Yes there were only four teams , so?
It's true we sucked at softball ,but just look at those cute cupcakes. I decorated them and took them to our gigantic fun softball swim party. Let's go gators!

It was a three hour party and I'm almost certain I didn't say anything inappropriate to a single soul. yess. Gracie's mom was not there, so glad because I have no other hairstyles left to try.

Of Human Bondage

Someone asked me today if I was Drew's husband. I said yes.

Let Me Make it up to You

Okay I had to remove that hideous picture from yesterday. But to make up for it here is a cute puppy picture. awwwww

picture credit: karlascottage.typepad.com

Hungry Like the uhhh German Shepherd?

Oh good gravy could someone please explain this to me?

I think this is his brother
YUMMY

Ballgame- one or two words? I don't know

We have a ballgame tonight. I forgot about Medusa hair and went ahead and blew it straight. But I'm going to tuck the back under so it looks like a shortish Bob like Michelle Obama did. There is another game tomorrow afternoon and honestly I'm running out of hairstyles.

Welcome Back

You know I was just driving in my car and heard Florence Henderson doing a sexually suggestive commercial on the radio. Something about celebrating hump day and , oh it's also Wednesday and she needed to discipline some naughty boys ba ba buh buh. I don't know about you but I don't want to hear all that while I'm chomping on my whopper with cheese (that's what she said). It's bad enough when I saw her on some show saying she shagged Bobby, Greg and Peter but hey not Mr. Brady because he's gay. eww eww eww. Just like with my own mother, I never want to think of her and sex in the same brain. eww

Okay I got off topic here, I really just wanted to tell two of my favorite bloggers wecome back from being gone so long they could have been dead. Welcome back Tracy. Welcome back Super Happy Girl formerly known as NCS. They came back within one day of each other. I really hope it's not a psychotic dental assisstant with a diaper fetish from Cleburn pretending to be both people, cause, that ain't right.


P.S. I recieved emails from a LilSue and a LilMarcy one day apart. Is this some new trend I don't know about? LilJeanKnee doesn't roll off the tongue very well.

Sequel

I wore my hair curly, in that medusa snake style. I did feel like someone else. Or at least someone who looks different; therefore not the person that made the blunder.

I did stay in the dugout the whole time, away from the other fans. I was asked by the dugout mother to help her out since she was in a codeine induced stupor (toothache). She laughed at all my insane blabbering which tells me I should only talk to stoned people. They get me in a way sober people just can't.

I finally glanced over to the bleachers. There she was. Fake Grama-sister, Gracie's real mother sitting on the bottom row. And oh my gack she now has strawberry blond hair. Obviously I hadn't wrecked her self esteem. In fact I probably nudged her to have that youthful hair re-do make over. I provided a service here people. I knew it would all work out.

Do you suppose she knew I was the medusa woman? One of the girls on the team didn't recognize me and I talk to her at every game.

hmmmm

Why Do I Even Speak?

My daughter had a softball game last night. The usual parents were there, but wait there was someone new. She was talking to Gracie and looked just like Gracie's mom Sally. So of course she must be Gracie's grandmother, right.? Sure. Nice to have grandparents come to games, the girls get so excited.

This was another long game where we were getting creamed but the last inning was finally on.The end is near, yesss. Anything to make things move along, idle chit chat perhaps? So I go ahead and tell Sally that I thought her mom was her when I first saw her. There was an awkward moment of silence as the two women looked at each other. then this happened:

Sally: "Oh, she's not my mom."

oh crap no, it must be her older sister so I say quickly to try to cover my blunder

JeanKnee: "oh you two must be sisters then :)"

Another horrid moment of dead silence while the fact that I mistook a sister for a mother sank in. then:

Sally: "uh ,,,we're uh....... I guess we are uh friends......"

Fake-grama-sister: " I'm Gracie's real mom" (making Sally Gracie's step mom--I knew they were a blended family but come on)

JeanKnee: "oh I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking."

fake-grama sister: "I've really got to do something about these gray hairs.."

Sally: " uhb ,dub, dub look at that catch, go gators!"


Here is the part of the story where I usually say something even more stupid to cover up , but not this time. Instead I jumped off the bleachers and ran around to the dugout as far from them as I could get. Oh myyyy gawwwwd. what an absolute rude and evil moron I must have seemed.

Let me make sure you got it all, I'm not re-telling it well. Sally is married to Gracie's real Dad and together they have Gracie and two younger boys.Fake-grama-sister just came to see the game and Sally is very nice and sat by her. Really it must be hard going to see your daughter play a game and then your ex-husband and his new wife are there. Yeah kind of hard. And them some loon thinks you are the new wife's mother. Oh the degradation. The pain I must have caused that poor thing.

Really though when I analyze it further isn't it really Sally's husband's fault for marrying and having children with two women who look alike but are different ages??? It is so all his fault, the idiot.

Thinking even more in depth led me to the realization that we should all wear name tags at these events. The hello my name is type things but instead of your name it says "hi I am Gracie's stepmom" or "hi I am Gracie's biological father."
These things would work particularly well at weddings and family reunions so you don't slip and say something rude about a person to his sister and so on.

What do you think is wrong with me?

Pondering

There's a dead kangaroo on the side of the road,
does anyone wish it was Nancy Pelosi?



I wrote this poem after seeing an actual dead kangaroo on the side of the road.

I know.

TMI FYI

I don't want to go into horrific detail like Bee once did, but...
FYI if you mix a delicious glass of metamucil, for whatever purposes...I don't judge, drink it right away or it will morph into some kind of thick radioative sludge.

thank you

Man Slaughteress or Murderess

I have had a lovely african violet for around 12 years or so. It has the most becoming dark purple blossoms and sweet furry leaves. I loved that plant, to death. Here you can see it behind the bunny.
We have finally had some sun so I took it outside to add some color and background to my shop photos. Just a subtle little peek of purple. Ahhhh Except I forgot to take it back inside with me. It stayed out all night long. It froze to death while I was snug in my bed. I swear it wasn't murder, I loved that plant.

Here's how it looks now. Not so good. RIP 12 year old beloved african violet plant.

The other night I was getting ready for bed and my Drew kept hanging around me. I was sure he was going to flash me or something. Behind him I noticed a flash of gorgeous purple. Ahhhhh

I won't man slaughter this one.

probably

Who Doesn't Love a Freebie

One thing I really like about blogging is all the giveaways people have. You know to celebrate 100 posts, or one year, or 1oo followers, or 100 days without bothering the elderly. You get the idea. I've even won a few myself. When I have a giveaway I always let my daughter pick names from a bowl. I don't trust that random number generator, you know it's operated by China.

So anyhow she started getting into having her own giveaways. She gave away a cupcake box, lip gloss, a sheet of stickers... Her friends got into the whole giveaway thing too and started a whole giveaway trend type thing at school. Fun , fun, and more fun.

I picked her up from school recently and she told me not to worry about supper, she had it covered. It was in her back pack. She won a giveaway from her friend Hannah. I asked some questions, she stalled me. Could the kid's lunch be in there? A frozen dinner, bag of Doritos?

She whipped it out when we got home. Her giveaway prize. A bag of uncooked spaghetti. She could not have been more thrilled. This is exactly as it arrived; open and partially used up then stored in a ziploc bag. WOW

If you were expecting a giveaway with this post sorry but there's a recession going on and I'm out of pasta.

I'm Famous- Again- and Still not for Going to Jail or Posing Nude

Eeeeeek my cupcake toppers made it on the same post with Martha Stewart over on the
Pepper Design Blog.
Check out my girlie pink stuff, even you Brian- being a guy is no excuse.

Which is Worse?

Drew dropped me off at the door and said he'd drive around the parking lot and pick me back up. He's a gentleman like that, plus it was raining.
So I went inside and made my purchase. I exited the door and saw his car parked waiting for me. As soon as he saw me he pulled up so I would not have to get wet. Swoon :)
I opened the door and started to climb in. My left buttox touched the seat when he said, "Uh oh, wrong car." Whaaaat??????????????????????????????????????

Oh my gawwwwwwwwd. I tried to climb in the wrong car, was halfway inside the wrong car. My buttoxus was touching the seat of the wrong car.
The worst part was my husband and kid saw me do it. Oh the horror!!! It was raining and dark people, I'm not a lunatic. usually
So I was the butt of various jokes all night long. ( get it butt.....I know)

So on to the which is worse. One time at the movies Drew went inside the ladie's room. I yelled at him ,"YOU"RE IN THE LADIE"S ROOM!" And he came back out. But really if I hadn't yelled at him he never would have known and someone would surely have decked him with her purse or pushed him into the sink. So I actually was a hero, though a minor and soon forgotten one.

Anyhow, he says my getting in a stranger's car was worse than him going into the ladie's room. What do you think? I think his had the most potential for disaster so was therefore worse. Plus I had my clothes on.

FAIL

FAIL blog. I love that site. I love seeing FAIL written all over things that FAIL.

And now I am awarding Brian a big, giant FAIL. You have a FAIL Brian. How ya like me now?
FAIL for Brian.
Brian has FAILed.

I have deleted my very important message to you on facebook. It is gone because you refused to read it. Now you will never know what it said. FAIL.

Sure, you'll wonder for all eternity what it said; " Has she pledged her undying love to me?"
"Did she give me some kind of awesome award?"
" Did she say she was mailing some kind of debilitating disease found only in Texas in a letter to me and not to open it?"
"Does she want to be bffs now that she's dropped Ted?"

You will never, ever know Brian because you have received a FAIL.



Oh yeah, Happy birthday. You're middle aged now , right?

No Sale

Here is a shot of a new Valentine card I have for sale in my shop. For some reason it's not selling.

Blitz, Blitz, a Ball Room Blitz

And so we were at dinner last night (I know I write about restaurant experiences a lot but honestly it's the only thing I do that remotely resembles having a life) when that song bar room blitz came on. It's a pretty cool song and Drew asks me if it's Ted Nugent singing it.
"No way, that's a pretty good song" (sorry Ted ).
" I'm pretty sure it's Ted Nugent"
"Nah"
Then Drew starts messing with his phone to see who sang it. He asked me, the compound word challenged , if bar room was one word or two. One word or two, I never know. He couldn't find it so he just typed in Ted Nugent.
" Here's something about Ted saying he's going to kill Hillary and Obama"
" Is he in jail? If there is someone I'd take at their word about killing me it'd be him" He was kicked off as a columnist on our local paper for his radical views after all
" I don't know, I don't know. Here it is. It's ball room blitz (one word or two?). A play on words or something something, ahhh I can't see it"
Hmmmmm
That was when I realized my BFF relationship with Ted was over for good. I didn't even care about his death threats or his song. I had to face it. I've felt empty all these months emailing Ted and having him not email me back because I wouldn't pay--so one sided you know. Guess we're breaking up Ted. If you have anything to say about this don't email me and I'll know how you feel.

I refuse to cry.

Hee Haw

Dear Lady who kept laughing so very loudly in Logan's Roadhouse while we were eating dinner,

Thanks so much for ruining our only night out with your non stop laughing antics. You sounded just like a braying donkey only a little louder. Thanks. I had to forcibly keep my fork from poking out my left eye.

You're in your 50's so surely someone by now has stared at you rudely (I mean besides myself) or asked you to please keep it down. Your poor husband sat beside you like he was in a daze, my gawd the horrors you must have put him through over the years. You probably blab at the poor guy non stop and drive your daughter in law bat shit with your inane chattering.

Please stay home if you can't control yourself in the future. No one was amused by you. Absolutely no one.