Thursday, September 13, 2007

Hostage

I barely got away to write this. I don't think "they" noticed. At least not yet. I'm being held hostage in my very own home. Worse yet, no ransom has been demanded
nor any offered for my release.

The household pets will not allow me a moment's peace. They demand my constant attention.

Penny has had to be confined to a kennel at night so she won't scale the fence and escape with the neighborhood canine delinquents. Her release in the morning begins my Home Hostage Experience:

I play with and pet dogs until they calm down. Then I escape indoors. First I usually hear scuffling and snorting. Go outside. Penny is, as usual, beating up Polka Dot. Correction ensues. Escape indoors. Repeat five or six times until Penny is tired.

Then comes the sound of a foghorn. Penny has kennel cough. Go outside, pat dog on back until all clear. Repeat...Repeat

Escape indoors. Check on Cupcake, my geriatric fish. He's in his usual coma, check.
Put food in fish bowel to soften.

Repeat snuffle, snort, foghorn.

Shake Cupcake awake, make sure he eats.

Open front door. There's Penny, come for a visit. She is put in doggy jail (kennel ) for fifteen minutes for her fence hopping shenanigans.

Check fish. He's on bottom of bowel. I lift him up to his anemone with a spoon.

Suddenly I hear scraping sounds. Look outside. Penny is trying to dig up the septic tank. Doggy jail 15 minutes.

Escape inside. Soften more food for Cupcake.

Repeat...Repeat...Repeat....repeat.....Repeat... Repeat....

SIGH

25 comments:

Bee said...

Penny’s side of the story:
Here comes that crazy lady again!
Let me just jump this fence so that she can’t get me!
Oh-Oh here she comes running down the street!
Who knew a person with multiple personalities could run so fast?
AAAARCGH!
She’s just tackled me!
Why does she smell like fish?
Now she’s gonna put me in solitary confinement.
Who is she talking to?
Okay she finally let me loose after 2 years in jail.
Oh! Looky here! A nice worm!
I’ll give it to her as a gesture of my love.
Oh wait, I have to dig it out, it’s trying to get away!
Now why is she mad? I’m just trying to get her a nice wormy!

::sigh::

I’ll try again tomorrow...

No Cool Story said...

Dude!! You need a vacation.
Here have some magical marshmallows.

No Cool Story said...

Who is she talking to?
Okay she finally let me loose after 2 years in jail.


Hmm...You are kinda acting/sounding crazy Jean Knee.
Make it double magical mashmallows, k?

Jean Knee said...

bee- sniff sniffff I never looked at it that way before.
yeah but what about that comatose fish?? he barely moves let alone has ever had a thought

Jean Knee said...

NCS- maybe I can get the uni-rooster to lay some of those babies. They did look magically delicious

Jean Knee said...

NCS-it's not my fault I've gone round the bend- you see what those pets put me through

Bee said...

Cupcake’s side of the story:

Look how she treats her dogs!
Oh-Oh here she comes!
Maybe if I lie perfectly still…
What is that big metal thing she putting in my bowl!?
It looks like some sort of feeding utensil!
Is she gonna eat me???
I’ll play dead like my superhero Nemo did in his movie.
Oh! It’s not working!
::phew:: The dog distracted her again and she’s leaving!
On with my juggling…

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Looks like someones headed for The Funny Farm, The Glue Factory, and The Fish Stick Box.......in that order.

Jean Knee said...

bee- uh huh, yep, my neighbor kept little Cupcake while we were gone and she swore he was swimming around jumping at his food.
I refused to believe it!!!

then it came out that the cat kept sticking its paw in his bowl. Who wouldn't swim under such conditions? I think I'll get a simulated cat paw to play with him

Jean Knee said...

elastic- oh no the funny farm is the last stop after the rest.

little does Penny know, we have a shock collar. It was originally purchased for Polka Dot when he kept digging out. He stopped so we never got, I mean had, to use it

Tori :) said...

Again... that's why I have a pet snake. She eats once a week. Poops once or twice a week. And she doesn't bark. Or beat anyone up.

Jean Knee said...

show off

Kimberly said...

This is why I'm the Evil Mom Who Won't Let Her Kids Have Pets.

I'm thinking of having it put on a T-Shirt.

Lisa said...

I love all the comments here. Haha! I love the dog/fish perspective and mean mom Kimberly. I'm a mean mom, too. Can you make me one of those shirts? I'm tired of telling my kids "I'm not gettin' a dog!!"

However, we have fish---and they always swim. Somethin's up, Jeanknee. Maybe little fishy got a claw from the neighbor kitty and all the excitement has drained out of him.

Melissa said...

Your pets sound worse than my kids!! I wish I could add some clever comment to this list. I can't think of anything funny to say. So, I'll just say that I hope you get a break from the pet craziness soon.

Kayelyn said...

I can send The Royal Cat over. He won't run away unless you try to love on him. Then he'll feel guilty and come kiss your feet. Or he will just lay around annoyed at your attempts to associate with someone of his royalty.

Sounds like you need another animal- NOT!

B said...

Since we lost Baby, the cats no longer get to spend the night "out on the town", so I go thru what you're going thru everyday, twice a day, with four cats plus the rabbit. Then the other night, the cats almost ate Tweetie, darling daughter's bird that she doesn't make stay in his cage. We caught them just in the knick of time. Momma Cat had Tweetie in her mouth, and when she dropped him, George immediately grabbed him. Hubby, daughter, and I were all running and screaming at the cats trying to rescue Tweetie. Finally George let him go, and daughter scooped him up and put him back in his cage. The rabbit also has attitude, throwing his plate of food all over the place, and peeing on his plate and the floor, and not in his litter box, because he's jealous that the cats have used it. It's never ending, I tell you! If you land at the funny farm, I'll probably see you there!
:-) Brenda

Jean Knee said...

kimberly, what about a pet rock? they're pretty easy

Jean Knee said...

Lisa, about 3 weeks ago my daughter's friend came over and looked at cupcake. (he's always comatose he doesn't even move his fins) she yells, Lean I think your fish is dead. I say, no he's just always still. the friend says, no no no his mouth is sticking out of the water! Me, he's just lazy. he sits on his anemone with his mouth out so he doesn't have to swim up for a breath. friend, noo noo no I think he's dead!
He wasn't
fish can be such trouble makers

Jean Knee said...

we have coyotes very bad so, sorry, but a cat is out.

Jean Knee said...

that rabbit may soon be a fur stole

Special K ~Toni said...

Unlike children, you can put them (pets) in a cage. Child Protective Services frowns on that!

B said...

I'm likin' Special K Toni's idea of putting the kids in a cage. I have a 16 yr. old who thinks she's 25 that I'd really like to lock in a cage until she is 25. And if they're locked up, they can't call CPS on you, can they!
:) Brenda

Sarah and Jack said...

Our cats drive us crazy too, particularly at night. They sleep in the downstairs family room now, with the door closed. LOL

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