Thursday, August 30, 2007

A Mighty Fortress is Lean's School

Lean started kindergarten on Monday. I have that empty nest thing going on.

Last year, pre- K, was fine. Lean attended the local University's family studies program (9:00-11:30 T W TH). To get into the building you punch your code into a keypad door lock, enter, walk your child to class. You can stay as long as you like, interact with the kiddos, chat with the teacher etc. The classroom had a two way mirror so you could watch your little tyke and see all the action going on.
Lesson Plans are posted outside the door so you know what to talk about with your kid after school.

This year, kindergarten, is not so fine. That place is an impenetrable fortress. They won't even let you park in the parking lot, I think you can be jailed if you try to enter the school.
The first day apparently all laws were suspended so Drew and I walked Lean to her classroom, greeted the teacher, got things situated and left.

Second day I park in the 'no parking here' parking lot and walk Lean to the door. I pull on it, it's locked but there is a buzzer. I don't know what I said but they actually let me enter the building. We walk a short way into the foyer and see Lean's teacher, she runs to her. I hear: gestapo, 'Ma'am, ma'am stop. You can't enter the building.' me,"OH? There's Mrs. teacher, let me just give her Lean's homework folder" (Mrs teacher is about ten feet away from me). gestapo,'No, you can't enter the building. I'll take the folder.' Me, "Mrs. teacher just went by I'll drop it off". gestapo, 'I have to take it to her, you can't enter the building". I think I saw an armed guard around the corner. It could have been a custodian but I doubt it. I'm not risking being gunned down so I try to leave.

'Ma'am let me go over the procedures with you please.' Uh okay. She whips out a diagram showing me how to enter driveway, drive around back of school, u-turn around a median ,and pull up outside cafeteria doors where an adult will unload child and escort them inside. right, got it thanks.

Picking Lean up after school is even more complicated. Drive around the back again, put a giant sign in your car window with your kid's name, then you have to pull up to a numbered sign and wait for an adult to put your kid in the car. Don't communicate with anyone, don't even roll your window down, you've got that giant sign don't ya? Do not exit car.

Okay, so of course I don't pull close enough to the number and get re-educated by the adult escort. Okay, I think I will get it right soon.

Next day we drive around back of school, do a uie around median, pull up to the correct number. I have to put car in park and help Lean out on driver's side of car because the passenger door won't open from the inside. "Ma'am, please don't exit the car, we will pick your child out of the car and deliver her to the cafeteria" I jump back in car just in case there is a cavity search required since I unlawfully exited the vehicle. So far no shots have been fired, that's good right?

Maybe I will get it right this afternoon. I don't think I can go through another re-education process

I would post a pic of the institution but I'm not allowed out of the car so I can't get a good shot

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

(Not So) Wordless Wednesday: All Dressed Up and Nowhere to Go?

Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo is all dressed up to meet his new poultry pals that Millie found for him here poultry pals( scroll down after clicking)

Mr. Cocka- Doodle-Doo is sporting a formal black tie and top hat ensemble tied together with his favorite fur cape. ( all you tree huggers out there should know his cape was made from a recycled Halloween costume of fake fur, no animals or muppets were harmed)

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

And The Winners Are....

Tori and Bee tie for first place because they guessed I was a teacher!!!
That's right I taught kindergarten for 13 years (I barely escaped with my wits intact). Got a problem with it? Want to blame the public school system for your being a moron? Huh??? Huh????? that's what I thought

Thanks to everyone who played. I know you all meant the kind words and were not just trying to get a prize.

What's that you just said? No wonder education is on a downward plunge, Jean Knee can't spell or use correct grammar? whatever, write your congressman

I put the names of all who did not guess correctly into a pile and Lean chose a name to recieve a runner up prize--- and it was Elastic I know there are some of you who will think I rigged it because I'm Elastic's favorite stalker but that just isn't the case. If you don't believe it clap your hands... was that you NCS??

Saturday, August 25, 2007



Why am I having a contest? Because I have an illness where I have to constantly plan parties or work on crafts. All you have to do is guess what my former job was before I had kid. If you already know because I told you just leave a comment saying how great I am and you can still win. Do both and I'll put your name in twice. And now here is the fabulous prize for the one who guesses correctly.......................

this fabulous matching craft I gotta Have it

Friday, August 24, 2007

Tips For Hackers

Last week I was involved in daily Hacking (in between blogging of course. I've heard about people who Hack for fun or monetary gain. I don't get it.

I began Hacking when I returned from vacation. I Hacked all day long until my throat was raw and my lungs ached. I could barely breathe the next day. Something had to be done!

First up chloraseptic spray and lozenges. Still Hacking but now my throat felt like it had been to the dentist. no good

Mucinex was next on my list. Couldn't tell anything but continued to take it cause it tasted great.

Finally, mucus plugged my throat and no amount of Hacking would clear it. A bit scary. I boiled water on the stove and steamed my lungs. I felt better but still Hacking with no results.

Out of ideas I decide to heat a frozen dinner.MMMM Indian curry. Pretty soon my eyes were watering and I began Hacking my lungs clear. Serendipity, My dear Watson.

My friend Jean-Uh, respiratory therapist, said the curry spices shrank the mucus membrane swelling to allow me to Hack with results. Who knew curry was a cure?

I still don't get why anyone would actually want to be a Hacker. The whole experience really blew.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Cocktail Recipes

1. buy ceramic rooster, photograph his buttttox area

2. Mermaid Cocktail- Pour chilled sprite into a cocktail glass ($1.50 at walmart)
Sprinkle a teaspoon or so of a blue pre-sweetened drink mix
(I used gatorade berry blaster)
drink will begin to bubble and hiss, stir gently if needed

I served these at my daughter's mermaid party. I put the gatorade in a glass container and told the girl's it was a magic mermaid potion.
you could use other colors to make a wizard's brew. princess cocktail etc.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Vacation Pics

Just a few pics from last week- remember, I was gone? What- you didn't noticce? Bite me.

Funnest Thing For Me? The Melting Pot II. We sit down. I request the cheese fondue with the saki. Waiter: Oh you mean the feng shui, that ended yesterday.
Me: Can't ya just make it anyway?
No, we don't have any more saki- that's what gave it its flavor.

This all seems pretty suspicious; isn't feng shui some kind of oriental furniture placement? What's that got to do with fondue? Ended yesterday....right. Okay,I can be flexible; we order the Mediterranean fondue. Yeah its great, we dippity do and inhale as quickly as possible. Fondue, baby, fondue!!!

The pic shows me eating steamy skewered meat. I look all zen like & meditative--oh now I get the whole feng shui fondue- steamy-nirvana connection. Ahhhhh and as a special bonus you get a steamy facial absolutely free. Ahhh--Ohhhmmm

< No tsunami pics- drat! yeah I saw you try to check to see if I had anything in my bosom.

Another food pic?? Yep it's me at another restaurant. I had the frog legs.

We met some duck friends while we were away. They loved us....

In fact, I had them eating out of my hand.....
Lean's favorite thing was painting her own toe nails. Santiago Sangria.. so vacationey


Monday, August 13, 2007

Try Not To Blanche at This One

Yes, I've finally turned into an older woman. Not just any older woman either, my great aunt Blanche to be precise. Aunt Blanche's habits and appearance match her name perfectly. Women of her time were of the soft and mannerly type. Aunt Blanche WAS NOT.

We children loved to visit Aunt Blanche- or Auntie as we called her. Only at Auntie's house could you stand upright in an extra tall trash can while she sprayed you full blast with the water hose. Better yet, eventually the can filled up and you got to slosh around in it. Auntie declared the public swimming pool to be unhygienic, she was a nurse you see.

Being a nurse in her day was very prestigious and carried with it a certain dignity and poise

Unfortunately, Auntie was not well practiced at the gentler ways of life. Auntie did, however, have a nice, roomy bosom. It was here that she ferreted her powder puff, billfold, hanky, and anything else she might need for the day.

Many clerks were simply unable to meet her gaze after seeing Auntie digging around to retrieve her billfold. There was nothing stealthy about her actions, she dug right in and when finished she shoved it right back. Then came a period of much adjustment until things sat just right. You couldn't tell by looking that Auntie carried a stock pile of womanly doo dads under her dress. We children loved to watch this since our own mother carried only her ta tas in her brassiere.

Which brings me to my adventure at Typhoon Lagoon. Yes, I "jumped into a tropical paradise where thrill seekers and chill seekers hit the waves".

Our first stop was the wave pool, touted as one of the world's largest. YES! We wade out to a perfect spot halfway into the wave pool and assume our positions; me standing and picking at a loose nail, Drew holding Lean and grinning big. The bell goes off and an enormous wall of water hurtles towards us. I blink to attention- are'nt these things usually more wave like? This big boy looks like the wave from that devastating tsunami footage. Uh- Oh

Kapow, Batman we are blasted most of the way back to shore. One strap of my swim suit is ripped off my shoulder---wardrobe malfunction my ass, Janet. It takes a tsunami to rip a boob out. We tumble on, stand up, adjust ourselves and gape. Then wounds from elbows to the chin and feet torn free of skin begin to painfully assert themselves-ouch.

And my word, where are my sunglasses? Ripped right off my face. We search and rescue. Discuss how violent that tsunami wave was & run out to do it again.

We assume our positions, but wait, what about my sunglasses? I can't reach shore before being assaulted by another wave. No time to think, I shove them down the front of my bathing suit where they stick out a mile and look ready to fall. It seems I don't quite have the bosom my beloved Auntie possessed. I quickly shove them farther down to my tummy area.

Tsunami hits, smashing, bashing, tumbling me. But my sunglasses are safe. All because I learned the lessons taught by an older generation. I have now joined the ranks of older women who stash things in their bosoms. Auntie would be proud.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Farewell Friends

Gonna be gone for a week. Haven't been away from ya'll since I started this. I may have to sneak Hub's lap top.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007


this is my swap package from Nikki look at all that awesome stuff!! all for meeee. Thank You nikki I love everything!! How do you like the cupcake all framed up? no you can't have it back. I'm savin the pin wheel picks for a special cupcake occasion. Nikki even put my middle name, glue drip, right on the adress label. Nikki don't look at the bottom of this post til you get your package. Look awayyy nowww

That's right this post is so sugary sweet you'll be diabetic by the end. Got my cupcake package in the mail from my partner Nikki. Well of course we had to make cupcakes ASAP. These were stirred by us, no robots were used.

This is a pic of choco-vanilla cupcakes with kitschy little flower toppers sent by Nikki
These are assorted little bite size cupcakes all decorated by Lean
this one is my favorite- yes I ate it already
this was Lean's favorite- yep she ate it

I LOVE CUPCAKES - here's some more stuff to raise your sugar level



buddhist poem #227 (cupcake incident) by: W.B. Keckler

oh i tried to coexist

but when I ate half of a chocolate cupcake

with Elmo on top of it

before realizing it had hundreds of ants

inside who had been trying to turn it into a Frank Gehry structure of some sort

(o tiny they had infiltrated the sealed plastic

ix pack container & remained invisible) I lost all sense of mindfulness

exiled the cat to Elba and sprayed

poison all over every surface

and thought of the hieronymus bosch ant hell

in my stomach and got mad

at the Buddha for thinking the predator

prey thing is controllable but later

felt bad for realizing i abused power

they were not the predator i was

i could have just thrown the cupcakes outside (i did) without mass murder and sealed things better

but you laughed at me for this quixotic shit

and theresa said with self-abuse that good

you should just ask this buddha guy

to be your boyfriend

sponsored by Megachemcorp, maker's of fine pork insulin

swap stuff from me to Nikki swap stuff wrapped up

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Non-Magnanimous Malapropisms

Now say that ten times fast

Fun stuff to say when you feel like driving fellow humans crazy. Maybe
1. At work: tell everyone you heard (insert co worker's name here) masticating in the rest room.
2. tell a teenage boy he's a homo sapiens
3. Tell Bill Clinton Hillary said he's omnipotent in bed
4. tell your dentist you thought floss was the thong type underwear your hubby favors
5. tell a thirteen year old drama queen she's a real thespian

Now tell me one:

Friday, August 3, 2007

Nature Lover

Sweet nature, oh how we love yee. Yes it surrounds us here in semi-rural Texas. We need go no further than our porch to luxuriate in a little bit of nature luvin.
From buzzing wasps in the eaves,

to hop toads in the dog food, around every corner is a new delight.

Spiders clog our drains, but hey they eat scorpians so we gotta leave them there

our flower garden growing bright, and how about that prize winning tomato plant (I am a farmer's daughter you know...I've got the wheat to prove it)

The barn swallows are my favorite. This is our second batch this year. Larry, Moe ,Curly, and Shemp. I love seeing my swallows darting all around, gobbling up skeeters, doing loop-da-loops in the air. I love my barn swallows best, and they love me best too, here's the proof:

Just look at what they left for me this morning.

Thursday, August 2, 2007