Monday, August 13, 2007

Try Not To Blanche at This One

Yes, I've finally turned into an older woman. Not just any older woman either, my great aunt Blanche to be precise. Aunt Blanche's habits and appearance match her name perfectly. Women of her time were of the soft and mannerly type. Aunt Blanche WAS NOT.

We children loved to visit Aunt Blanche- or Auntie as we called her. Only at Auntie's house could you stand upright in an extra tall trash can while she sprayed you full blast with the water hose. Better yet, eventually the can filled up and you got to slosh around in it. Auntie declared the public swimming pool to be unhygienic, she was a nurse you see.

Being a nurse in her day was very prestigious and carried with it a certain dignity and poise

Unfortunately, Auntie was not well practiced at the gentler ways of life. Auntie did, however, have a nice, roomy bosom. It was here that she ferreted her powder puff, billfold, hanky, and anything else she might need for the day.

Many clerks were simply unable to meet her gaze after seeing Auntie digging around to retrieve her billfold. There was nothing stealthy about her actions, she dug right in and when finished she shoved it right back. Then came a period of much adjustment until things sat just right. You couldn't tell by looking that Auntie carried a stock pile of womanly doo dads under her dress. We children loved to watch this since our own mother carried only her ta tas in her brassiere.

Which brings me to my adventure at Typhoon Lagoon. Yes, I "jumped into a tropical paradise where thrill seekers and chill seekers hit the waves".

Our first stop was the wave pool, touted as one of the world's largest. YES! We wade out to a perfect spot halfway into the wave pool and assume our positions; me standing and picking at a loose nail, Drew holding Lean and grinning big. The bell goes off and an enormous wall of water hurtles towards us. I blink to attention- are'nt these things usually more wave like? This big boy looks like the wave from that devastating tsunami footage. Uh- Oh

Kapow, Batman we are blasted most of the way back to shore. One strap of my swim suit is ripped off my shoulder---wardrobe malfunction my ass, Janet. It takes a tsunami to rip a boob out. We tumble on, stand up, adjust ourselves and gape. Then wounds from elbows to the chin and feet torn free of skin begin to painfully assert themselves-ouch.

And my word, where are my sunglasses? Ripped right off my face. We search and rescue. Discuss how violent that tsunami wave was & run out to do it again.

We assume our positions, but wait, what about my sunglasses? I can't reach shore before being assaulted by another wave. No time to think, I shove them down the front of my bathing suit where they stick out a mile and look ready to fall. It seems I don't quite have the bosom my beloved Auntie possessed. I quickly shove them farther down to my tummy area.

Tsunami hits, smashing, bashing, tumbling me. But my sunglasses are safe. All because I learned the lessons taught by an older generation. I have now joined the ranks of older women who stash things in their bosoms. Auntie would be proud.


Lisa said...

That's funny. I wonder what else we can "save" in our swimsuits at the water park? I'm thinking chapstick, because my old lady lips need that stuff.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

Corey Hart wears his sunglasses at night....
Jean Knee wears her sunglasses a few centimeters above her hoo-hoo!

Try making a song out of THAT, Corey! Go on....try!

elasticwaistbandlady said...

What did you bring me back, jean knee? I like souvenirs. Especially from places called Typhoid Lagoon. Oops, Typhoon.

Jean Knee said...

Lisa- oh my gawd my whole face has shriveled up, will chapstick help that?

Elastic- I rarely buy souvenirs, but I did bring home the afore mentioned typhoid- the whole fam sounds like we've got hair balls;
hack hack hack choke

Melissa said...

Congratulations! I hear it is a great honor to graduate into such a coveted circle of women. I will never know seeing as how the last bra I bought was size NEARLY A. That's right. NEARLY.

Bee said...

Hilarious! My grandma still does that, she wraps her money in a little hanky (coins and all) then fishes it out to pay... :o)

Thoroughly Mormon Millie said...

Yay!! You're home!!! I missed you!!!!!

Auntie sounds hilarious. I love oblivious-to-everything-etiquette-related old women. LOVE them.

I keep my billfold in my knee pit. It's pretty secure there, but shopping in pants is a pain.

Kimberly said...

I had a moment last night when I was putting on my pj's...and realized there was a pea-sized chunk of half-masticated food stuck in my cleavage.

Right out where anyone could see it. And I'd gone grocery shopping like that.

elasticwaistbandlady said...

My mom eats dropped french fries from her bosom. Yes, she really does.

No Cool Story said...

Oh no.
Boob sweat.
No no no.

No Cool Story said...

And I missed ya too :D

SoDak Angel said...

giggle...giggle....sunglasses down your swim suit...giggle

B said...

Glad you're back. We missed you! I love the description of your Auntie. Kinda reminds me of myself, always finding dropped objects between the boobs. I always knew having big ones should be good for something, now I know that they are meant to be keepers of all things needed.
Next week I'll have another rooster "Wordless Wednesday" response for ya! LOL
:D Brenda

Jean Knee said...

Melissa-i have almost no bosom, I had to stick my glasses over my belly- its a little more endowed

bee-my grandma didn't do that but her two spinster sister's did- I always felt like she wanted to do it too

Millie- here's something I never thought I'd be typing; Auntie also sat on her front porch with her legs sprawled on the rail and no panties, she said she had to air out. I don't know if anything showed or not, I was scared to look, her sis,my grandma, was horrified.

Kimberly_did you still eat it? it's sinful to waste good food-hee hee
elastic- I eat any food that landed any where on my person
NCS- I think that's what the powwder puff was there for; boob sweat
Sodak- you laughing at me? huh sucka??huh? good
b- here's another one about my grandma- in her dotage she became more relaxed. She smoked and always, almost daily dropped ashes on her large bosom, swwatted at the sparks and squealed ooo ooo I'm on fire, I'm on fire. then she'd go on as if nothing happened.

I never realized I had so many family bosom stories. and now they are written here for Lean some day- her family legacy, lucky girl
sorry I wrote a book

Melissa said...

jean knee - I am so glad that you have written these all down for posterity. Your family will be proud to have such a collection of stories

Jean Knee said...

ahhh- you made me blush

Christy said...

Funny! Glad to see you back!

Lisa said...

b. reminded me that I have found popcorn in my boobs. Mmmmm. Nice reminder of the movie we had seen.

Lei said...

You are a hoot!