Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Critic's Corner:Restaurant Reviews

The following restaurants have been rated by the Proprietor's response to foreign objects being found in the food. The names were changed to protect the innocent (Jean Knee)from prosecution.

I'm sure that all restaurants have had one of those"entree plus" experiences. What interests me most is what occurs after alien matter is discovered in the chow. Here are a few favorites that I've personally experienced.

The Black Pot Restaurant

Drew and I had the breakfast buffet as a Sunday Treat. There was everything on that buffet, and I mean everything. Drew quickly piled his plate and began noshing. I lifted a bite of scrambled egg only to discover an entire, though dead, cricket. mmmm We showed our waitress, they checked the eggs and found more crickets. We told all the tables around us what I found but they continued eating. Apparently cricket eating was not frowned upon at The Black Pot. The manager was summoned, we were given our breakfast free, gee thanks.
Response time was a bit slow, actions were appropriate to earn them a nine,9.

1492 Restaurant
Drew, Lean,me,Drew's important customers. 1492 is a very expensive posh restaurant so you assume things will be perfect. The place was full of flies buzzing all around, everywhere. One dove straight into Lean's chocolate milk. We showed the waiter, he took it away and said, " No extra charge". Nothing was done at all. Our bill was around $500.00 and they did nothing at all! Don't these people realize Columbus would not have stood for such shoddy fly deliberation?
They don't even get a rating but the joke's on them they are out of business now.

The Milton Hotel Restaurant

Once again We are having breakfast. We order, everything is lovely, the service is awesome. We get our food and Drew discovers a gigantic hair on his bacon. This thing was huge and slightly wavy eww. I couldn't eat bacon for weeks thinking about how that disgusting hair got on there.eww. The waiter was summoned and we were given our breakfast free, the staff looked convincingly horrified. They get a perfect ten for their response time and wrap up.

The Avocado Garden Restaurant

This is slightly different but I still feel like ranting so I'm including it. So while we are celebrating my niece getting her driver's license the waitress drops a bottle of beer on the table, it empties entirely into my lap. I screech, she picks it up, gets another beer and acts like nothing happened.
Of course I tell her, "you poured a beer in my lap" , "yes, yes I'm so sorry" she continues on. Me again, "you poured a beer in my lap" She disappears then comes back and says they will pay for any dry cleaning. "I'm wearing jeans, I don't dry clean jeans. You poured a beer in my lap" The manager is summoned and restates that they will pay my dry cleaning bill. WTF is that about, I have a lap full of beer and not even an apology or free dessert?
They get a -4 rating.

Yes, I know exactly what you are thinking. Why can't I ever find a 2 karat diamond in my Asian stir fry? You just can't.

57 comments:

Bee said...

FIRST!!!

Bee said...

TAKE THAT BRIAN!!

Bee said...

HA HA! Am I too early??

I hope you're feeling better!

Jean Knee said...

dang girl I haven't even read it through for errors yet

Jean Knee said...

there were some but not enough to edit

Bee said...

HA HA! I'm sorry about the BACON!! They deserve to get flayed! Not being able to eat bacon is like not being able to snuggle!!!

Now I want BACON!!

Bee said...

You should have poured a beer down her shirt and said you were even Steven.

Jean Knee said...

just think about the hair and your bacon cravings will disappear

Bee said...

Andy and I were going to celebrate the anniversary of when I mad him the happiest man ever by going to a nice place to eat but now I'm grossed out.


I still want BACON!!

Stacey said...

Eww! No breakfast for me today.

I agree with bee,you should have poured a beer on the waitress...and then NOT offered to pay for her dry cleaning. Yeah, that's right.

Jean Knee said...

you are too naughty Stacey.

Brian o Vretanos said...

They should have put up a sign "Free dead crickets with every meal!"

The beer incident must have been traumatic - it's terrible to see beer go to waste.

When I was a waiter a woman found some polythene inside a piece of breaded scampi. We gave her something else and didn't charge, but she wrote a letter to the company. So they gave her a free meal, and explained that we bought the scampi ready made, and that the supplier had been informed. Nevertheless reported the restaurant to Environmental Health, so we had an inspection. The inspector was very apologetic, but that's the rules.

So I think you get 10 for being a model customer - make that 8 because of the stolen plate incident...

Jean Knee said...

drat, I forgot the one about the metal shard in Lean's pizza. A Metal Shard.
they gave us her pizza free

they get a 2

they did say they were sorry


the plate incident was something else completely, they forced my hand.

Tori :) said...

k the cricket thing nearly made me puke.

Lisa said...

I can't believe that cricket-y good breakfast!!

And no dessert for a lap full of beer? At PF Changs we once got free dessert for our table because the waiter dropped a whole tray of food. It landed all around us--and could have possibly been really bad. But it wasn't and it wasn't even our food. Free dessert. Thank you! 10++ for them!

No Cool Story said...

NOOOO!!! They defiled the delicious innocent bacon!
Ewww!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

No Cool Story said...

Since no one claimed 11...



11th!!!

No Cool Story said...

I bet the people who kept on eating the crickets read my post about how crickets are the other green meat and they just kept on eating them because everyone knows that if NCS eats crickets then it must be a OK and they are actually nutritious and stuff.

No?

Bee said...

NCS, you just made me shiver! ::shiver::

International Society of Shivering crickets said...

We approve!

Dan said...

So the Milton is the best place to get gross things in your food.
Why does this happen to you over and over again?

Jean Knee said...

this keeps happening to me because I have a giant "Screw Me" sign on my forehead

Bee said...

Well duh jean knee! Take it off!!!

The sign.

Hey It's Di said...

Oh the hair thing is just down right sick and wrong! I had a hair in a hamburger once and it took years for me to face a burger again:(

I start wondering if I have missed finding things in my food because I'm such a hog and tend to snarf my food quickly! Not good!

Dan said...

Di
Do you have two heads ?

Dan said...

so instead of screwing you they put stuff in your food ?

Jean Knee said...

apparently that is how they screw me

I've forgotten lots of other ones:
I had a roach in a mini pecan pie,
a fingernail in some dressing (that was my Grandma's fingernail so it wasn't so bad),
a broken pottery shard in some crawdad bisque,
there were maggots in the ketchup at one restaurant- technically Drew found those

I'm sure there are others

Jean Knee said...

I really believe many people eat foreign things in their food cuz they don't pay enough attention.

No Cool Story said...

"I had a roach in a mini pecan pie..."

Jean KNEE!!! For the love of sanity, please no, please say it didn't happen...please.

From now on I'm just going to close my eyes. If there's hair, crickets, cucarachas, eyes and fingers in my food I don't want to know.

vomitrocious said...

This post makes me cry.

Jean Knee said...

now this doesn't even count the % of rat turds and insect parts that are allowed in our food.

Jean Knee said...

I'm only here to inform

Jean Knee said...

sorry

B said...

I once worked for a catering company/sandwich shop and the owner wanted me to make lunch for a client out of moldy tortillas. He said, "Just put the moldy part on the inside and no one will ever know." They are no longer in business.

Sad sadness sadiness of America said...

NNNNOOoooooOOOOooOoOooooOOOO!
Not the tortillas!
WHY!!? Is nothing sacred anymore?

WAAAAAH.

Bee said...

::gag::
Andy and I are supposed to go out tomorrow! I'm not going to be able to eat ANYTHING!!
Hey! The perfect diet?

Adeline's Shabby Cottage said...

Hairy bacon? Eggs with legs? Wow!! I quit taking my BFF w/me when I eat out, she always finds a hair in her food. Gag a maggot!!

Not nearly as bad as when I was a waitress. One of our cooks lost his (gulp) rotten tooth in the fish he was cooking. We never found it. Yes, we all stopped what we were doing to search for it a few minutes before continuing on, praying that each of us wasn't carrying the tray of toothless doom!!

Or the time I served a customer a baked potato with a baked roach inside. The bug that is. I almost threw up myself....poor customers! I didn't work there long after that. I NEVER ate there to begin with thank God!!

Lisa said...

I think you could write a book of all the treasures you have found in your food.

I am with NCS-"eyes closed". I don't want to know.

Bee said...

April 16th 2008.
12:20 pm
Short woman starts to eat her healthy chicken wrap she picked up at Subway.
She takes a few bites.
Then.
Hair.

More at 6.

Bee said...

40

Jean Knee said...

no freakin way,

see, you see what I'm sayin here?

Bee said...

Luckily HER Fritos Honey BBQ Flavor Twists had no easy identifiable grossities.

Bee said...

But they did have Trans Fat.

Bee said...

Unidentifiable Trans Fat.
Unless you check her midsection.

Bee said...

They offered her a new wrap.

She said no thank you my money please. She also brought the leftover hairy wrap.

They're planning a braiding party after work.

Bee said...

Film at 11

Jean Knee said...

OM gosshhh what's a braiding party?

Bee said...

That's where they take all the hair off the food and um... braid it.

Jean Knee said...

Oh, I was afraid it had something to do with the bats

Bee said...

50

Tracy said...

Chris and I went to this really swanky restaurant in Harpers Ferry, WVa once and when we got to the dessert part he asked the waitress "Are there nuts in your cheesecake crust because I'm allergic to nuts." The waitress assures him there are no nuts in the cheesecake so he orders a piece.
He took a bite and starts clearing his throat. Turns out that walnuts were the main ingredient in the crust.
We had to rush Chris to the ER to get medicine to stop his throat from closing up.
The restaurant offered to mail our bill to us so that we could leave faster.
Needless to say, they dropped the bill when we mentioned calling our lawyer.

Jean Knee said...

how very considerate of them

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Helen Keller would have eaten that hairy bacon without even a second glance.

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Personally, I could never eat in the dark because I HAVE to be able to see what I'm eating. Ditto for candlelight. It's probably not romantic to eat in a fully-lit restaurant but neither is it romantic to pull hairs that look like severed pubes out of your asparagus au gratin.

I have 20/20 vision. Something that's not a good thing. :(

ELASTICWAISTBANDLADY said...

Itchy? Twitchy?

I keep thinking about Billy Ray Cyrus and his Achy Breaky Heart.....but instead I think don't tell my twat, my itchy, twitchy twat.

Jean Knee said...

yep, just what I was thinking too

Millie said...

Wow, what crappy dining experiences. Why doesn't this stuff ever happen to ME??

*pouting*