Friday, February 4, 2011

It's So Fucking Cold

There's no other way to describe it. It's not effing cold, it's not frickin cold, it is fucking cold. Sometimes only a childish profanity can truly describe something so horrible. How cold is it Jeanknee?
1. it is so cold that the dog has to come inside. The dog (I'm combining the horrors of both my dogs into one persona--the dog) stinks and piddles on the carpet. The dog will not poop in the cold so is full of foul flatulence that he releases every chance he gets.

2. It is so cold that our energy services can't keep up with the demand for more power so they have instated rolling blackouts. You can be without power at any time with no notice whatsoever.

3. because of the rolling blackouts they want to cancel school which means the kids are home with you in your flatulent house, being bored and hungry. You are out of milk

4. It is so cold that something malfunctioned at the water plant. There are numerous back hoes and men standing around with WTF expressions on their faces. Your husband reports this and tells you to fill up containers with water fast. All the dishes in the entire household are dirty. Hmmm what to do? Use what little water remains to clean the dishes after which there will be no water left to fill the clean dishes , or fill dirty dishes with water? Instead fill sink with water for emergency. Later your daughter will have to shower in a slow drizzle because the next day is picture day.

5. It is so cold that we have to drip all the faucets. drip drip....drop drip drip drip...dr dr dr drip going on night and day almost in sync with the foul flatulent emissions

6. It is so cold that it snows a good bit. Meaning no school therefore I'm bored , I'm hungry is reinstated. The only available play mate is forbidden to play in the snow. She can stay inside and play wii or watch TV and also get in on the I'm bored, I'm hungry. Sure let them stay cooped up inside all day with dripping and flatulence, mindlessly watching the tube. For goodness sakes don't let them run around and have fun in the snow which we only get once every three years or so. What is wrong with people?

7. it is so cold that we have discovered a burst pipe. yea! At least it is outside and now frozen over.

10 comments:

Bijoux said...

O.M.G.....I bitch a lot about the snow, but we are equipped for it here, I guess, so none of that sort of crap happens, for the most part. Sending you my sympathies!

Super Happy Girl said...

ITA with Bijoux, omg that's fucking cold!
Our town comes to a complete stop with 1 inch of snow.
I can't imagine having kids stuck at home, farty dogs, broken pipes, no water, rolling blackouts...
Dude!

Lauren said...

I hear you. It totally sucks. It warmed up enough today for the dog to take two steps on the snow and fall through it. I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of being black and blue from falling on my ass.

big homie said...

haha. i hate this.

tattytiara said...

Oh no! My little dog can't stay outside long enough to do everything either. She'll complete part of her mission, and then I have to bring her in and warm her up over a heat vent and take her back outside for the sequel, if you will.

Leeuna said...

I feel your pain. I am so ready for Spring. I hate the cold and snow. I can't imagine having the electricity going off all the time and the 'no water' situation. You have my sympathies.

Super Happy Girl said...

I'm sorry I about the profanity.
I was drunk.

Super Happy Girl said...

Of course I wasn't!

Jean Knee said...

I know you weren't


you would never get fucking drunk ;)

fickwilliumm said...

Wow, you just described my life in the winter too! 3 giant dogs, 2 bored little girls, no satellite signal, no power if there was one, and kool aid but no sugar lol! Mommy feels like the daddy in the shining.