Still a Bad Ass

I still got it.  You may think the sugary sweet side has me very firmly in its clutches.  But heck no!
I can be offensive in the shades of pink and aqua baby!

Here's the story:  I made some cute little birthday hats for my shop.  I needed a model and since I have a nice collection of dismembered doll heads I used one of those.  I usually photograph my shop items on a plate I have because its neutral color shows off the details.  So Of course I put the head on the plate and then the hat on the head.  Perfect!  I should probably win an award with how awesome I got the shot with a point and shoot camera.  And then I pinned it.

And then the comments came in.  Evidently someone thinks I'm a sicko going to eat a baby head or some such nonsense.  I mean really.  Without ketchup why even bother.

You can click here to see what kind of psychotic inbred I am.

http://pinterest.com/pin/194921490092544150/

I May Have Killed a Cat

circa 2009
   My etsy shop had been opened for a couple of years.  I sold some crown cards to CF666*.  Intrigued by the name, I searched CF666's profile and good gravy Nancy it was Courtney Love Cobain.  I'm in the big time now, the Courtney Love Cobain of international fame and misfortune has bought my cards.  So I felt FAMOUS for about a week, told my friend Bee about it, then forgot the whole thing until I see this on regretsy

 http://www.regretsy.com/2012/02/03/etsy-kills/

OMFG- My etsy stuff could have been part of the crap filled  hoard that killed that cat.  When Courtney Cobain bought my cards  her stats showed she had bought 1245 things from etsy. My cards are there somewhere.
To think it could have been my cards
 makes me feel famous all over again.

                                                                                                                 the cards

* name is abbreviated so a bunch of you fat, jealous, losers don't rush to her old etsy account and crash etsy.

Pizza Boomerang

Radio Station

 I'm glad the Holidays are over so the  "All Christmas, all the time, until you burst a vein" stations can go back to playing regular music. Lean doesn't care for all that Christmas cheer either.  She tuned in to her dad's favorite station for the duration.  Things were okay until she came out of her room to inform me of the following
Lean: Uh,  I don't think that radio station is appropriate for me.  First they were singing "ooo sex, ooo sex "  and then some dude says he only eats 100% breast milk cheese with his crackers.
JeanKnee: what
Lean: repeats above
JeanKnee: okay lets go find another station.

You see the problems all that Christmas song joy caused?  Now I will probably be asked what sex and breast milk cheese is.  She's ten.   dang

Youtube

So, I used to love K C & the sunshine band back in the olden days before music videos- that's right the 70's. I guess I never really saw them in person or in Tiger Beat or anything. Saw this on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssHbW5RbEqo&feature=grec_index

OMG Is this really what KC looked like? With his eyes bugging out all over the place and that obsessive blinking. Really?

The best thing about this video is the shot of the band member with the plaid shirt and suspenders showing his chest hair and beating a tambourine.


a tambourine

Zombies VS. Kitties

You've probably seen those new books where zombies are interwoven into classic literature. The most popular being Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I have not read it. I know you must wonder why haven't I?

Well it is true that I have a love for all things zombie; horror movies, killing zombies in violent video games, reading pulpy zombie literature etc, etc. Then why haven't I read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? It's not because of those darling zombies it's because I can't stand that hack Jane Austin. Even zombies couldn't persuade me to give her another shot. So I've resigned myself to the fact that those books are simply out of my range.


Except yesterday I was at the library and I spied it on the shelf. The Meowmorphosis. Oh my dawg!!! it's a twist on Kafka's The Metamorphosis. Remember that dear book where the dude wakes up one morning and has turned into a cockroach? I adore that story. Only this time the dude wakes up and has turned into a sweet little kittie. The family, much like myself, is equally as revolted by the dude being a little kittie as by a slithering cockroach. I mean really don't you just want to slam some of those LOL cats upside their heads? eeekkk


Anyway since it's not drippy Jane Austin but cool Franz , father of the magic mushroom, Kafka I can read it.


I am still left with the question which is more terrifying; zombies or adorable little kitties?

# 1 Dad

Just a little while ago Lean came in and asked me the date. I told her and she said, "that's funny cause my calendar says Father's Day is June 19 th." That can't be right, she must be looking at the wrong calendar because we celebrated Father's day this past Sunday. We searched the internet and it was true, Father's Day is June 19 th. Oh my gawwwwd this can't be right.

On Sunday we placed little #1 dad medallions on the coffee pot, in his easy chair, the steering wheel of Drew's car etc etc for him to find all day. I had ordered them early so we would have them in plenty of time. That's them in the picture, pretty cute, Huh? My plan was to string them into a #1 dad banner after Drew had found them all. I know.

He found most of them and we piled in the car because we had lunch reservations in a small quaint Inn several towns away. We snuck another #1 dad medallion on his place setting and he wore it on his lapel. "That's right world , it's Father's Day and I'm the #1 dad." Yess.

It was a really nice lunch with five courses. We had enough left over for dinner that night, the end of Father's Day. ahhhhh I'm pretty sure Drew had a good day. : ) I called my dad and wished him Happy Father's Day and we talked for a while.

But ooops. It wasn't Father's Day and we celebrated any way. No one told us any different.

So we're thinking about celebrating independence day this Sunday, June 19. What do you think?

medallions by Little Pumpkin Papers on etsy

Happy Easter, Ya Freaks

What Kind of Sad, Sadistic Mother Am I?

My precious little Lean asked me to take her and a friend to the store to buy some filled eggs for them to hide and find. I, obviously from the title , said no. No matter that this will probably be the last year she even wants to hide eggs- I'm too lazy to go get her some eggs. You know what she did then?? Called me a cow and threw herself on the bed? Good guess but that was last week. She and the friend wrapped little snacks in paper towels and taped them to look like eggs. And we only had stuff like peanut butter chips and bread sticks. Then she asked me to hide them for her. The eggs were so sad. But , as I am sadistic as before mentioned, I hid them and was thankful I didn't have to drive to the store.

I made it Into a Booger Treasury

Boogers are more popular than you might think. See this treasury
http//www.etsy.com/treasury/4d56351a56a36d910641c6f9/things-found-using-boogers-as-keyword





http//www.etsy.com/listing/67556202/are-you-digging-for-gold-cupcake-candle?ref=tre-4d56351a56a36d910641c6f9-8



This is my favorite

It's So Fucking Cold

There's no other way to describe it. It's not effing cold, it's not frickin cold, it is fucking cold. Sometimes only a childish profanity can truly describe something so horrible. How cold is it Jeanknee?
1. it is so cold that the dog has to come inside. The dog (I'm combining the horrors of both my dogs into one persona--the dog) stinks and piddles on the carpet. The dog will not poop in the cold so is full of foul flatulence that he releases every chance he gets.

2. It is so cold that our energy services can't keep up with the demand for more power so they have instated rolling blackouts. You can be without power at any time with no notice whatsoever.

3. because of the rolling blackouts they want to cancel school which means the kids are home with you in your flatulent house, being bored and hungry. You are out of milk

4. It is so cold that something malfunctioned at the water plant. There are numerous back hoes and men standing around with WTF expressions on their faces. Your husband reports this and tells you to fill up containers with water fast. All the dishes in the entire household are dirty. Hmmm what to do? Use what little water remains to clean the dishes after which there will be no water left to fill the clean dishes , or fill dirty dishes with water? Instead fill sink with water for emergency. Later your daughter will have to shower in a slow drizzle because the next day is picture day.

5. It is so cold that we have to drip all the faucets. drip drip....drop drip drip drip...dr dr dr drip going on night and day almost in sync with the foul flatulent emissions

6. It is so cold that it snows a good bit. Meaning no school therefore I'm bored , I'm hungry is reinstated. The only available play mate is forbidden to play in the snow. She can stay inside and play wii or watch TV and also get in on the I'm bored, I'm hungry. Sure let them stay cooped up inside all day with dripping and flatulence, mindlessly watching the tube. For goodness sakes don't let them run around and have fun in the snow which we only get once every three years or so. What is wrong with people?

7. it is so cold that we have discovered a burst pipe. yea! At least it is outside and now frozen over.

It's My New Valentine Card

Here it is folks, my new card for V Day. Notice that nice vintage feel?

I know you're all wondering how I came up with such a fabulous card Huh? I will let you in on my creative card thought process just this once.

My dad gave me a necklace that said "If daughters were flowers I'd pick you"
awwwww.
Then the pick part reminded me of noses which reminded me of a young adult novel where the character says "God gave me my looks, but he let me pick my nose". Whack the two together and there you have it. Let's hope it sells better than last
year's http://putsomepolkadotsonit.blogspot.com/2010/01/no-sale.html

Sometimes Things Get Worse With Practice

I'm not going to lie to you. I am pretty even with Martha Stewart when it comes to decorating, cooking and crafting. And I don't have a full staff to make me look good. I'm also poor. And I need to exercise... But I digress, sorry.

I found the cutest marshmallow treats and had to try them for Christmas. Here they are in all their beautiful imperfect-ness. Look how cute those sticks are. I know

Well they were not quite as beautiful as the ones in the picture so every day I made a few more and tried to perfect them. And every day they looked more perfect but tasted worse. Moral of the story? Shove it Martha.

Here's how they are supposed to look


http://onecharmingparty.com/2010/12/09/holiday-treats-chocolate-and-caramel-dipped-marshmallows/

Chirp..........Chirp

A couple of nights ago a smoke detector started chirping. We changed the battery, read online all about chirping, pushed buttons all over. The chirping stopped only to begin at 12:00 midnight. Chirp.......chirp............chirp,.,.,.,.,,..........chirp

We tried everything we could and it stopped chirping at 5:00 am. Good , okay. But at 11:23 the next night it started again. Oh the absolute and utter horror. Drew finally tore it out of the ceiling. But the freaking thing kept chirping. We read online that they can take 3 days to stop even if disconnected from a power source. Help us. Now the stinking thing was chirping where the wires were still dangling, somewhere in the gaping abyss that used to be the smoke alarm. I kept blathering that it was impossible , it would be like having your head cut off but you could still speak. What was the damn thing chirping out of?????We suffered through another chirp filled night deciding to call a professional the next day.

Drew decided to check it again and mess around with it before we called. He messed with it for some time before discovering it wasn't the one chirping. The one at the top of the stairs was chirping and it echoed into the downstairs. Smoke alarm bastard thinks he can fool us huh? We changed its battery and no more chirping.

Answer to your question: yes we are dumb enough to call someone out to fix the wrong smoke alarm. It would fit in wonderfully with the time we called someone out to fix our washer only to be told we were overfilling it, it wasn't broken. And the time the electrical outlets wouldn't work and the service guy told us to press the reset button. Yes, Virginia, we really are that dumb.

Christmas blessings to you all!

The Chain of Trust

This Thanksgiving we tried something new. On a holiday that is all about tradition I took a giant step. I decided we would all write down something we were grateful for and make a paper chain to celebrate. I always read about making a grateful tree or other similar things and so the time was now.

My family is not your average gushy love family. No feelings are ever spoken of and actually examining a feeling even as benign as thankfulness might push some over the edge. I pressed forward and most did very well. No one flat out refused which is shocking in itself. We assembled the chain and hung it from the mantel.

Later my Lean wrote something she is thankful for and added it to the chain. She didn't want anyone to read it. I respect that. But. I really want to know what she wrote. So far I haven't peeked. I so want to know what hides in the mind of a nine year old that she wants to be anonymously thankful for.

This is something I've always wondered about myself. Will I read her diary during the tumultuous teen years? Will I monitor her phone calls and internet useage? I'm pretty sure I'll have to. It's almost a given. Something I do not look forward to. Something to dread, that invasion of privacy. Even though it's to keep the love of my life safe.

But right now she's writing good things, safe things, thankful things. And even though I wish so much to read her thoughts I am so Thankful that right at this point in time I don't need to.

Just a Little Snippet

So close. So close, so close. So close. there

Finally after a day of that horrid shopping I'm up. So I scan, then bag. Scan then bag. Scan then oh my gawsh the red lights above the register start flashing. Sirens scream out. Out of nowhere two TSA looking agents rush toward me wearing rubber gloves. WHAT? My register says authorization required. This is a new one, it usually tells me to bag something I've already bagged (that's what he said).

The dudes come closer. Dude number one snaps his glove and gives me a wink. Oh good gravy I hope my underwear are clean, or at least not granny panties. I'm ready for the frisking; bring it on baby.

Dude number two says, "she's clear". huh whaaaat?

Oh right. I ask if it's because people sniff the markers (yep I bought permanent markers, contraband, killers of brain cells, not your friend.)

The answer was yeah. So I finish scanning and bagging. Thinking all the while. What just happened? Why was I cleared? Don't I appear to be a criminal type even a little bit? huh wha

So on the way out I ask, just to be sure, if I were a teenager would I not get authorization? That's right. hmmm Makes me feel safer for my tween daughter but come on . How do they know I'm not a backseat marker sniffer??

I know, I know, You've Seen It Before

But tell the truth, isn't it still funny?

Why Do You Always Have to Put a Title on These Things?

So in between cleaning out my craft hoard house and keeping up with Christmas orders I jumped over here to show you how cute Skeleton Head Crow looks in his holiday duds.

Can you say awww?

I'm Not Dead or in the Loony Bin

I know you've been missing me since all the Halloween shenanigans. I really hate to say goodbye to my favorite Holiday but it's time to move on. I'm skipping Thanksgiving since it isn't commercialized enough for me.

So, onto Christmas. Here is a Santa standing on a natural polished hemp ball.
If it doesn't sell I'm gonna smoke it.

And now a PSA

Some ass wipe has been sending emails with my friend's names on them and when you click there is just a link. When you click that it takes you to porno. Apparently I sent myself one of the links with my own email address on it. Talk about spam! huh!

Just know I will not send you any porno links, ever. I keep those all for myself. If you receive an email from me and it only has a link you don't want to open it.

Halloween Stuff

What, me worry?

This one is the most chilling. Can you see that ghost? Right there where it looks blurry or not in focus, by the hat? yep a spirit

he's a bad boy

cutest pumpkin in the known universe

just a peek leaving you wanting more

Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo is wearing pig lights. Yeah, I don't get it either

Hoping you have a great time on this, the most magical night of the year (Oct. 31)