put some polka dots on it

Pizza Boomerang

2012-01-11T20:24:00.000-06:00

Radio Station

2012-01-03T17:48:00.001-06:00

I'm glad the Holidays are over so the "All Christmas, all the time, until you burst a vein" stations can go back to playing regular music. Lean doesn't care for all that Christmas cheer either. She tuned in to her dad's favorite station for the duration. Things were okay until she came out of her room to inform me of the following
Lean: Uh, I don't think that radio station is appropriate for me. First they were singing "ooo sex, ooo sex " and then some dude says he only eats 100% breast milk cheese with his crackers.
JeanKnee: what
Lean: repeats above
JeanKnee: okay lets go find another station.

You see the problems all that Christmas song joy caused? Now I will probably be asked what sex and breast milk cheese is. She's ten. dang

Happy Halloween

2011-10-31T21:05:00.002-05:00

Youtube

2011-10-13T19:57:00.007-05:00

So, I used to love K C & the sunshine band back in the olden days before music videos- that's right the 70's. I guess I never really saw them in person or in Tiger Beat or anything. Saw this on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssHbW5RbEqo&feature=grec_index

OMG Is this really what KC looked like? With his eyes bugging out all over the place and that obsessive blinking. Really?

The best thing about this video is the shot of the band member with the plaid shirt and suspenders showing his chest hair and beating a tambourine.

a tambourine

Zombies VS. Kitties

2011-06-25T19:59:00.004-05:00

You've probably seen those new books where zombies are interwoven into classic literature. The most popular being Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I have not read it. I know you must wonder why haven't I?

Well it is true that I have a love for all things zombie; horror movies, killing zombies in violent video games, reading pulpy zombie literature etc, etc. Then why haven't I read Pride and Prejudice and Zombies? It's not because of those darling zombies it's because I can't stand that hack Jane Austin. Even zombies couldn't persuade me to give her another shot. So I've resigned myself to the fact that those books are simply out of my range.

Except yesterday I was at the library and I spied it on the shelf. The Meowmorphosis. Oh my dawg!!! it's a twist on Kafka's The Metamorphosis. Remember that dear book where the dude wakes up one morning and has turned into a cockroach? I adore that story. Only this time the dude wakes up and has turned into a sweet little kittie. The family, much like myself, is equally as revolted by the dude being a little kittie as by a slithering cockroach. I mean really don't you just want to slam some of those LOL cats upside their heads? eeekkk

Anyway since it's not drippy Jane Austin but cool Franz , father of the magic mushroom, Kafka I can read it.

I am still left with the question which is more terrifying; zombies or adorable little kitties?

# 1 Dad

2011-06-14T10:08:00.011-05:00

Just a little while ago Lean came in and asked me the date. I told her and she said, "that's funny cause my calendar says Father's Day is June 19 th." That can't be right, she must be looking at the wrong calendar because we celebrated Father's day this past Sunday. We searched the internet and it was true, Father's Day is June 19 th. Oh my gawwwwd this can't be right.

On Sunday we placed little #1 dad medallions on the coffee pot, in his easy chair, the steering wheel of Drew's car etc etc for him to find all day. I had ordered them early so we would have them in plenty of time. That's them in the picture, pretty cute, Huh? My plan was to string them into a #1 dad banner after Drew had found them all. I know.

He found most of them and we piled in the car because we had lunch reservations in a small quaint Inn several towns away. We snuck another #1 dad medallion on his place setting and he wore it on his lapel. "That's right world , it's Father's Day and I'm the #1 dad." Yess.

It was a really nice lunch with five courses. We had enough left over for dinner that night, the end of Father's Day. ahhhhh I'm pretty sure Drew had a good day. : ) I called my dad and wished him Happy Father's Day and we talked for a while.

But ooops. It wasn't Father's Day and we celebrated any way. No one told us any different.

So we're thinking about celebrating independence day this Sunday, June 19. What do you think?

medallions by Little Pumpkin Papers on etsy

Happy Easter, Ya Freaks

2011-04-24T10:09:00.002-05:00

What Kind of Sad, Sadistic Mother Am I?

2011-04-16T14:22:00.006-05:00

My precious little Lean asked me to take her and a friend to the store to buy some filled eggs for them to hide and find. I, obviously from the title , said no. No matter that this will probably be the last year she even wants to hide eggs- I'm too lazy to go get her some eggs. You know what she did then?? Called me a cow and threw herself on the bed? Good guess but that was last week. She and the friend wrapped little snacks in paper towels and taped them to look like eggs. And we only had stuff like peanut butter chips and bread sticks. Then she asked me to hide them for her. The eggs were so sad. But , as I am sadistic as before mentioned, I hid them and was thankful I didn't have to drive to the store.

I made it Into a Booger Treasury

2011-02-12T13:09:00.005-06:00

Boogers are more popular than you might think. See this treasury
http//www.etsy.com/treasury/4d56351a56a36d910641c6f9/things-found-using-boogers-as-keyword

http//www.etsy.com/listing/67556202/are-you-digging-for-gold-cupcake-candle?ref=tre-4d56351a56a36d910641c6f9-8

This is my favorite

It's So Fucking Cold

2011-02-04T11:24:00.003-06:00

There's no other way to describe it. It's not effing cold, it's not frickin cold, it is fucking cold. Sometimes only a childish profanity can truly describe something so horrible. How cold is it Jeanknee?
1. it is so cold that the dog has to come inside. The dog (I'm combining the horrors of both my dogs into one persona--the dog) stinks and piddles on the carpet. The dog will not poop in the cold so is full of foul flatulence that he releases every chance he gets.

2. It is so cold that our energy services can't keep up with the demand for more power so they have instated rolling blackouts. You can be without power at any time with no notice whatsoever.

3. because of the rolling blackouts they want to cancel school which means the kids are home with you in your flatulent house, being bored and hungry. You are out of milk

4. It is so cold that something malfunctioned at the water plant. There are numerous back hoes and men standing around with WTF expressions on their faces. Your husband reports this and tells you to fill up containers with water fast. All the dishes in the entire household are dirty. Hmmm what to do? Use what little water remains to clean the dishes after which there will be no water left to fill the clean dishes , or fill dirty dishes with water? Instead fill sink with water for emergency. Later your daughter will have to shower in a slow drizzle because the next day is picture day.

5. It is so cold that we have to drip all the faucets. drip drip....drop drip drip drip...dr dr dr drip going on night and day almost in sync with the foul flatulent emissions

6. It is so cold that it snows a good bit. Meaning no school therefore I'm bored , I'm hungry is reinstated. The only available play mate is forbidden to play in the snow. She can stay inside and play wii or watch TV and also get in on the I'm bored, I'm hungry. Sure let them stay cooped up inside all day with dripping and flatulence, mindlessly watching the tube. For goodness sakes don't let them run around and have fun in the snow which we only get once every three years or so. What is wrong with people?

7. it is so cold that we have discovered a burst pipe. yea! At least it is outside and now frozen over.

It's My New Valentine Card

2011-01-01T21:36:00.008-06:00

Here it is folks, my new card for V Day. Notice that nice vintage feel?

I know you're all wondering how I came up with such a fabulous card Huh? I will let you in on my creative card thought process just this once.

My dad gave me a necklace that said "If daughters were flowers I'd pick you"
awwwww.
Then the pick part reminded me of noses which reminded me of a young adult novel where the character says "God gave me my looks, but he let me pick my nose". Whack the two together and there you have it. Let's hope it sells better than last
year's http://putsomepolkadotsonit.blogspot.com/2010/01/no-sale.html

Sometimes Things Get Worse With Practice

2010-12-28T11:55:00.007-06:00

I'm not going to lie to you. I am pretty even with Martha Stewart when it comes to decorating, cooking and crafting. And I don't have a full staff to make me look good. I'm also poor. And I need to exercise... But I digress, sorry.

I found the cutest marshmallow treats and had to try them for Christmas. Here they are in all their beautiful imperfect-ness. Look how cute those sticks are. I know

Well they were not quite as beautiful as the ones in the picture so every day I made a few more and tried to perfect them. And every day they looked more perfect but tasted worse. Moral of the story? Shove it Martha.

Here's how they are supposed to look

http://onecharmingparty.com/2010/12/09/holiday-treats-chocolate-and-caramel-dipped-marshmallows/

Chirp..........Chirp

2010-12-19T12:15:00.002-06:00

A couple of nights ago a smoke detector started chirping. We changed the battery, read online all about chirping, pushed buttons all over. The chirping stopped only to begin at 12:00 midnight. Chirp.......chirp............chirp,.,.,.,.,,..........chirp

We tried everything we could and it stopped chirping at 5:00 am. Good , okay. But at 11:23 the next night it started again. Oh the absolute and utter horror. Drew finally tore it out of the ceiling. But the freaking thing kept chirping. We read online that they can take 3 days to stop even if disconnected from a power source. Help us. Now the stinking thing was chirping where the wires were still dangling, somewhere in the gaping abyss that used to be the smoke alarm. I kept blathering that it was impossible , it would be like having your head cut off but you could still speak. What was the damn thing chirping out of?????We suffered through another chirp filled night deciding to call a professional the next day.

Drew decided to check it again and mess around with it before we called. He messed with it for some time before discovering it wasn't the one chirping. The one at the top of the stairs was chirping and it echoed into the downstairs. Smoke alarm bastard thinks he can fool us huh? We changed its battery and no more chirping.

Answer to your question: yes we are dumb enough to call someone out to fix the wrong smoke alarm. It would fit in wonderfully with the time we called someone out to fix our washer only to be told we were overfilling it, it wasn't broken. And the time the electrical outlets wouldn't work and the service guy told us to press the reset button. Yes, Virginia, we really are that dumb.

Christmas blessings to you all!

The Chain of Trust

2010-12-05T10:02:00.007-06:00

This Thanksgiving we tried something new. On a holiday that is all about tradition I took a giant step. I decided we would all write down something we were grateful for and make a paper chain to celebrate. I always read about making a grateful tree or other similar things and so the time was now.

My family is not your average gushy love family. No feelings are ever spoken of and actually examining a feeling even as benign as thankfulness might push some over the edge. I pressed forward and most did very well. No one flat out refused which is shocking in itself. We assembled the chain and hung it from the mantel.

Later my Lean wrote something she is thankful for and added it to the chain. She didn't want anyone to read it. I respect that. But. I really want to know what she wrote. So far I haven't peeked. I so want to know what hides in the mind of a nine year old that she wants to be anonymously thankful for.

This is something I've always wondered about myself. Will I read her diary during the tumultuous teen years? Will I monitor her phone calls and internet useage? I'm pretty sure I'll have to. It's almost a given. Something I do not look forward to. Something to dread, that invasion of privacy. Even though it's to keep the love of my life safe.

But right now she's writing good things, safe things, thankful things. And even though I wish so much to read her thoughts I am so Thankful that right at this point in time I don't need to.

Just a Little Snippet

2010-11-29T19:36:00.003-06:00

So close. So close, so close. So close. there

Finally after a day of that horrid shopping I'm up. So I scan, then bag. Scan then bag. Scan then oh my gawsh the red lights above the register start flashing. Sirens scream out. Out of nowhere two TSA looking agents rush toward me wearing rubber gloves. WHAT? My register says authorization required. This is a new one, it usually tells me to bag something I've already bagged (that's what he said).

The dudes come closer. Dude number one snaps his glove and gives me a wink. Oh good gravy I hope my underwear are clean, or at least not granny panties. I'm ready for the frisking; bring it on baby.

Dude number two says, "she's clear". huh whaaaat?

Oh right. I ask if it's because people sniff the markers (yep I bought permanent markers, contraband, killers of brain cells, not your friend.)

The answer was yeah. So I finish scanning and bagging. Thinking all the while. What just happened? Why was I cleared? Don't I appear to be a criminal type even a little bit? huh wha

So on the way out I ask, just to be sure, if I were a teenager would I not get authorization? That's right. hmmm Makes me feel safer for my tween daughter but come on . How do they know I'm not a backseat marker sniffer??

I know, I know, You've Seen It Before

2010-11-25T17:54:00.000-06:00

But tell the truth, isn't it still funny?

Why Do You Always Have to Put a Title on These Things?

2010-11-22T08:15:00.004-06:00

So in between cleaning out my craft hoard house and keeping up with Christmas orders I jumped over here to show you how cute Skeleton Head Crow looks in his holiday duds.

Can you say awww?

I'm Not Dead or in the Loony Bin

2010-11-16T19:23:00.005-06:00

I know you've been missing me since all the Halloween shenanigans. I really hate to say goodbye to my favorite Holiday but it's time to move on. I'm skipping Thanksgiving since it isn't commercialized enough for me.

So, onto Christmas. Here is a Santa standing on a natural polished hemp ball.
If it doesn't sell I'm gonna smoke it.

And now a PSA

Some ass wipe has been sending emails with my friend's names on them and when you click there is just a link. When you click that it takes you to porno. Apparently I sent myself one of the links with my own email address on it. Talk about spam! huh!

Just know I will not send you any porno links, ever. I keep those all for myself. If you receive an email from me and it only has a link you don't want to open it.

Halloween Stuff

2010-10-23T15:42:00.005-05:00

What, me worry?

This one is the most chilling. Can you see that ghost? Right there where it looks blurry or not in focus, by the hat? yep a spirit

he's a bad boy

cutest pumpkin in the known universe

just a peek leaving you wanting more

Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo is wearing pig lights. Yeah, I don't get it either

Hoping you have a great time on this, the most magical night of the year (Oct. 31)

Oops

2010-10-21T08:14:00.004-05:00

Dang I had that thing upside down. Sorry for all the confusion. Oh and to the guy called "the savage" who wants a date.? Shove it freakshow this is a mommy blog.

The Winner

2010-10-14T11:32:00.003-05:00

Thank you to everyone who entered the contest, all three of you. My random number generator chose the winner this morning. Kind of. Okay I put the names in a hat (not really a hat just my hand) and pulled out Brian's name! But then Brian has already received a huge wonderful prize from me so that really isn't fair. I pulled out another name, it's Bee! This one isn't fair either because Bee has gotten fabulous prizes from me plus I have actually touched her, in person, yes. Not a perv.

Third time is a charm I pulled out reforminggeek! Yea! Congratulations you finally won, (after three tries but who's counting right).

I Feel Like Having a Contest and I'll Probably Really Send the Prize This Time

2010-10-04T15:59:00.007-05:00

My poor little Cupcake hasn't eaten in 6 days. I thought we could have a contest to see who can guess his exact last day alive. But then I thought that might be a little wrong so instead here's the alternate contest. WOO HOO!!

So you know how I make a gazillion skeletons and sometimes write a little story about them? On my etsy?. No? Whatever I like to give 'em a little history but I'm having writer's block so I want you to do it for me. For some kind of prize.

Here's a little example:

The Markham brothers are joined at the brow and share one eye. They've worked at the circus as the sinister clown for as long as they can remember. But, they are ready for something new. Won't you bring them into your home to live? They are very good with children. Especially naughty ones.

This fun skeleton is going to party 'til the sun comes up in his favorite color green. Ken is wearing his most festive hat with matching crepe paper collar. He carries a sign so everyone will know he's spooky. Last year Sandy laughed at him saying he looked lame, but not this time. Now he's spooky times 10. yeah!

And now here is the skeleton you get to name and describe. Make it good but not too long. Winner announced soon.

Go here if you need more views

http://www.etsy.com/listing/58099312/super-fun-skeleton

Cupcake II is on His Death Bed

2010-10-01T14:14:00.001-05:00

This time we won't need the freezer

probably

Sometimes When I Walk Into My Bathroom I Have to Smile

2010-09-25T19:30:00.002-05:00

So Anyway..

2010-09-22T17:43:00.003-05:00

The stinkin YMCA did absolutely nothing about my party dissatisfaction. BIG NADA.
They will help the party planning slacker girls to know what is expected of them . Too bad for me my party was already ruined, cuz I bet the next party given there will be one to remember.

I've decided not to post until I can quit raging uncontrollably at nearly everything.

It may be a while.

check out GARY over there....that's what I want to focus on

It's me..

2010-09-12T15:24:00.003-05:00

I'm the bitch. Good to know.

I probably scared you into thinking there was a bloody stump finger in Lean's cake. But there wasn't. I have really been flying off the handle lately. I just think people should do their jobs and act right. Is that really too much to expect? I hope it's just mid life crisis and my usual apathy will soon return.I'm just gonna give you the party highlights.

1.I paid a butt load of money to have the YMCA arrange my Lean's birthday party. We had one there two years ago and it was great. They did everything for you and even provided two party planners to run things.

2. We arrive, no party planners so we have to start things ourselves.
3. No decorations or cake. They put a plastic table cloth on the table and called it decorated.
4. About an hour into the party the planners show up and say they are going to get the pizza. They both pile in a car and drive away.
5. I gather up the kids and take them in for pizza , it is on the counter. The planners are supposed to pass it out. They never came back so my man passed it out. We ran out of plates, forks and cups. The plates did not match and looked used.
6.Finally Drew had them paged to get the cake. They bring it in and help Lean put on candles. We ask for a few minutes for the other kids to finish eating. They leave and never return. So I cut the cake and Drew passes it out.
7. We open presents (they were supposed to run this and write down who gave what gift. They never returned so we did it all. Then the little fools tell my man (out in the hall, they never came in the room) that after WE clean up they will come get the table clothes. HE exploded. He came and told me and then I got all over their asses. I tried to get a manager to get all over his or her ass but, surprise, no one was there.

Also during the times they were gone (the whole time except a little less than five minutes) the party guests started running around like animals cuz there was no direction AND their parents just let them do it. It was waaaaaaayyyyy worse than any day I ever had teaching kindergarten, and these are third graders. I may have gotten all over some of the parent's asses but so effing what. What kind of people let their kids run around and ruin a party like that?

And for some reason I am the one who over reacted and was wrong. I really just do not get it at all.

thanks for listening to this litany

and yes, I am the bitch

AAAAHHHHHHHH

2010-09-11T19:04:00.002-05:00

Oh the horror!!! The ABSOLUTE HORROR. I just got back from my daughter's birthday party, it was every bit as bad as the glove in food incident.

And there was no manager to yell at so I have to wait until tomorrow. I really need a valium drip. Pray for me people.

Another Foreign Object Story

2010-09-04T21:39:00.003-05:00

When I was a wee girl and my mom told me to chew each bite 20 times, I took it to heart. Now I chew at least 100 plus times until my food is an absolute puree before I will let it slide down my throat.

I was at the computer the other day eating some left overs from a favorite restaurant. As I began to puree a group of sauteed onions I felt something funny. Something that could not be pureed, plus it sort of squeaked. I grabbed it out of my mouth. It looked like an onion but upon further inspection it unrolled into my hand. A huge circular piece of latex. Ewww doesn't even begin to cover it. Gaze at the accompanying pictures. The last one shows it stretching.

Okay something like that just doesn't appear in one's food. The tip of a glove might break off into a dish but not an exact circle cut out of the middle of a glove. And then the piece rolled and shoved in with the onions to disguise it. No that does not just happen. Of course I was furious so Drew drove me to the restaurant. It wasn't open yet but I banged on the door any way. No one answered. Then I noticed a beer truck was making a delivery so I followed the beer guy and asked him if the manager was there buh buh buh long story short I showed it to the manager. He seemed shocked and told me they were not in the business of sabotaging the food. I repeatedly told him no way a piece of glove could have shaped itself into a circle and rolled up into the onions- someone did it on purpose. See, what really pissed me off is I found it before I ate even half the entree and it was really tasty.

He offered me my money back, I refused. Then he offered me free meals etc. Again I refused. He looked at me as if to say what do you want me to do?? Well I wanted him to drag the kitchen staff out there and yell and them in front of me and possibly fire them all that's what the hell I wanted. Why would I want to nosh on another glove in the future? Idiot.

How Could You Be Any More Famous Than You Already Are?

2010-08-21T17:38:00.003-05:00

You may ask me. And I will answer, " by being featured in the Better Homes and Gardens Holiday Crafts issue. " Twice. Two times. Two projects. Dos. Hey do you like those Dos Equis commercials or what?

Anyway, you open the mag and there is my star tag on the second page of the table of contents. Applause.

And then in the middle of the mag there it is again. Why so popular you may ask? I have no

idea. In the past two years I have sold a total of one (1) set of star tags in my shop. I know.

Then around page 82 there are my Christmas treat cups. I also sold only one (1) order of these but still, they were only listed one year.

Of course there was one page that bore a completely unflattering photo of me and some boring bio blah, blah. I sent them an okay photo of myself...they lost it. I sent another okay photo of myself, they lost it. So I was forced at the last minute to take a horrible photo of myself without makeup and unstyled hair. They promised they would air brush it. Liars .I'm not including that page you'll have to buy it to see me. You know you wanna see.

I'm kidding about it like it was no big deal but it is really cool to see your stuff in a mag. A famous mag. ..... The only mag you'll ever buy again. ......

That's right.

Thank you Meredith publishing, I was only kidding about the air brushing but hey, you could have tried something :)

Want to Hear Something Funny?

2010-08-17T20:34:00.003-05:00

As you know, I am a hard core bad ass on this blog. (who just laughed? Bee!) But on my craft blog I'm always sweet and placid. Well, a crafter accidentally got on this blog and started following me. I thought about heading her over to my craft blog but said "what the hey?"
The day I put up those pictures of humans kissing animals she flounced and stopped following me. ha

You know this sounded much more interesting in my head. Give me a break people, I'm a housewife.

Coming soon: Another foreign object story ---with photos
Another I'm famous story

The Spa Experience

2010-07-29T18:44:00.003-05:00

A few years ago I went to a spa. I normally would not spend the huge amount of money to go to one but it was a job perk freebie, so I went. It was pretty awesome. You go in and kind of just hang around in these big fluffy robes sipping lemon water and chai chi tea infusions. It smells wonderful, you relax & listen to soothing music. Later on get a massage, a manicure, soak in a hot tub etc..... wow

Well today I almost got to relive my spa experience. I went for a mammogram because two of my doctors insisted it was necessary. yep. soo

I walked into the office to hear soothing music tinkling in the background. There was a huge bubbling fountain and beautiful wall hangings all over. And I sat in an area alone. Just like at the spa. I was called into another room where I changed into a fluffy robe and ended up in another lovely waiting area with soothing music. Ahhhh this is the life isn't i? Everything was spotlessly clean and lovely looking. Then I spied a table that had a huge container of lemon infused water with real sliced lemons in it. And right next to it a fancy espresso machine with every kind of cafe latte, chai tea mixes you could ever imagine. Far too soon it was time for my mammogram so I took a package of hot chocolate latte extreme with me to try at home later.

It was over quickly and I was on my way. And to tell you the truth? I really was happier and more relaxed. I felt like a person and not an appointment. If only all medical appointments could be this nice.

And then shortly after I left I remembered how the AMA now recommends mammograms starting at age 50. A decade later than previously suggested. I'm 45. Not quite there yet. Now I'm wondering if my insurance will even cover any of the appointment. If it's not recommended by the AMA they don't have to approve it no matter how many doctors told me to do it. Funny how this just came about after health care was passed. Probably by next month the AMA will have decided that pap smears aren't needed yearly, no one needs their cholesterol checked and old people should crawl into the corner never to be heard from again.

I guess in truth my spa mammogram will cost about 10 times as much as a regular spa visit.

I hate Obama and his horrid health care

The Horror Continues.................

2010-07-13T11:39:00.001-05:00

I think the most romantic aspect of these images is how they all have their eyes closed.

Adventure With Tween

2010-07-09T18:22:00.004-05:00

Today I was relaying some tidbit of parental wisdom to my daughter Lean, to which she replied "Talk to the hand".
mmkay
I really don't go for all than tween "whatever" type stuff.
So I told her not to even try that "talk to the hand" stuff with me.

To which she turned around and replied "Talk to the booty 'cuz the hand's off duty"

What do you even say after something like that?

I've Been Traumatized Once Again

2010-06-14T21:36:00.009-05:00

What ever happened to good manners? They seem to be missing almost every place I go.
I went out to dinner tonight, was enjoying myself quite a bit when I spied her. The lady across from me was picking her teeth with one of those toothpick/dental floss doohickies. It wasn't just a simple little surreptitious ping with the pick. Oh no. Ms. Dental hygiene was shoving the floss part between her teeth, sawing vigorously and then flicking out particles. So disgusting but I couldn't stop watching her. It's like how your eyes are drawn to really gaggy things like roadkill, CSI, or staring at an unsightly wart on another person's face.

I kept looking. And she did not disappoint, no she did not. Saw, saw, saw flick. Saw, saw, saw flick. This went on for some time. When the bill came she let the toothpick/floss thing hang out of her mouth like a hillbilly chewing on a straw. It just dangled there for the waitress and the whole place to see. Hang, hang ,hang hang

I hate people

You Know What's Gross?

2010-06-04T12:18:00.001-05:00

Looking down to find two flies mating on your knee. So....very....gross...

The Gators Take Fourth Place

2010-05-31T15:03:00.003-05:00

Softball season is over and our team came in fourth place!!!!!!!!*
Yes there were only four teams , so?
It's true we sucked at softball ,but just look at those cute cupcakes. I decorated them and took them to our gigantic fun softball swim party. Let's go gators!

It was a three hour party and I'm almost certain I didn't say anything inappropriate to a single soul. yess. Gracie's mom was not there, so glad because I have no other hairstyles left to try.

Of Human Bondage

2010-05-20T17:52:00.000-05:00

Someone asked me today if I was Drew's husband. I said yes.

Let Me Make it up to You

2010-05-15T10:50:00.003-05:00

Okay I had to remove that hideous picture from yesterday. But to make up for it here is a cute puppy picture. awwwww

picture credit: karlascottage.typepad.com

Hungry Like the uhhh German Shepherd?

2010-05-13T19:34:00.007-05:00

Oh good gravy could someone please explain this to me?

I think this is his brother
YUMMY

Ballgame- one or two words? I don't know

2010-05-07T14:29:00.002-05:00

We have a ballgame tonight. I forgot about Medusa hair and went ahead and blew it straight. But I'm going to tuck the back under so it looks like a shortish Bob like Michelle Obama did. There is another game tomorrow afternoon and honestly I'm running out of hairstyles.

Welcome Back

2010-05-05T18:13:00.006-05:00

You know I was just driving in my car and heard Florence Henderson doing a sexually suggestive commercial on the radio. Something about celebrating hump day and , oh it's also Wednesday and she needed to discipline some naughty boys ba ba buh buh. I don't know about you but I don't want to hear all that while I'm chomping on my whopper with cheese (that's what she said). It's bad enough when I saw her on some show saying she shagged Bobby, Greg and Peter but hey not Mr. Brady because he's gay. eww eww eww. Just like with my own mother, I never want to think of her and sex in the same brain. eww

Okay I got off topic here, I really just wanted to tell two of my favorite bloggers wecome back from being gone so long they could have been dead. Welcome back Tracy. Welcome back Super Happy Girl formerly known as NCS. They came back within one day of each other. I really hope it's not a psychotic dental assisstant with a diaper fetish from Cleburn pretending to be both people, cause, that ain't right.

P.S. I recieved emails from a LilSue and a LilMarcy one day apart. Is this some new trend I don't know about? LilJeanKnee doesn't roll off the tongue very well.

Sequel

2010-04-30T10:52:00.002-05:00

I wore my hair curly, in that medusa snake style. I did feel like someone else. Or at least someone who looks different; therefore not the person that made the blunder.

I did stay in the dugout the whole time, away from the other fans. I was asked by the dugout mother to help her out since she was in a codeine induced stupor (toothache). She laughed at all my insane blabbering which tells me I should only talk to stoned people. They get me in a way sober people just can't.

I finally glanced over to the bleachers. There she was. Fake Grama-sister, Gracie's real mother sitting on the bottom row. And oh my gack she now has strawberry blond hair. Obviously I hadn't wrecked her self esteem. In fact I probably nudged her to have that youthful hair re-do make over. I provided a service here people. I knew it would all work out.

Do you suppose she knew I was the medusa woman? One of the girls on the team didn't recognize me and I talk to her at every game.

hmmmm

Why Do I Even Speak?

2010-04-20T11:31:00.002-05:00

My daughter had a softball game last night. The usual parents were there, but wait there was someone new. She was talking to Gracie and looked just like Gracie's mom Sally. So of course she must be Gracie's grandmother, right.? Sure. Nice to have grandparents come to games, the girls get so excited.

This was another long game where we were getting creamed but the last inning was finally on.The end is near, yesss. Anything to make things move along, idle chit chat perhaps? So I go ahead and tell Sally that I thought her mom was her when I first saw her. There was an awkward moment of silence as the two women looked at each other. then this happened:

Sally: "Oh, she's not my mom."

oh crap no, it must be her older sister so I say quickly to try to cover my blunder

JeanKnee: "oh you two must be sisters then :)"

Another horrid moment of dead silence while the fact that I mistook a sister for a mother sank in. then:

Sally: "uh ,,,we're uh....... I guess we are uh friends......"

Fake-grama-sister: " I'm Gracie's real mom" (making Sally Gracie's step mom--I knew they were a blended family but come on)

JeanKnee: "oh I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking."

fake-grama sister: "I've really got to do something about these gray hairs.."

Sally: " uhb ,dub, dub look at that catch, go gators!"

Here is the part of the story where I usually say something even more stupid to cover up , but not this time. Instead I jumped off the bleachers and ran around to the dugout as far from them as I could get. Oh myyyy gawwwwd. what an absolute rude and evil moron I must have seemed.

Let me make sure you got it all, I'm not re-telling it well. Sally is married to Gracie's real Dad and together they have Gracie and two younger boys.Fake-grama-sister just came to see the game and Sally is very nice and sat by her. Really it must be hard going to see your daughter play a game and then your ex-husband and his new wife are there. Yeah kind of hard. And them some loon thinks you are the new wife's mother. Oh the degradation. The pain I must have caused that poor thing.

Really though when I analyze it further isn't it really Sally's husband's fault for marrying and having children with two women who look alike but are different ages??? It is so all his fault, the idiot.

Thinking even more in depth led me to the realization that we should all wear name tags at these events. The hello my name is type things but instead of your name it says "hi I am Gracie's stepmom" or "hi I am Gracie's biological father."
These things would work particularly well at weddings and family reunions so you don't slip and say something rude about a person to his sister and so on.

What do you think is wrong with me?

Pondering

2010-04-01T08:00:00.001-05:00

There's a dead kangaroo on the side of the road,
does anyone wish it was Nancy Pelosi?

I wrote this poem after seeing an actual dead kangaroo on the side of the road.

I know.

TMI FYI

2010-03-25T18:57:00.001-05:00

I don't want to go into horrific detail like Bee once did, but...
FYI if you mix a delicious glass of metamucil, for whatever purposes...I don't judge, drink it right away or it will morph into some kind of thick radioative sludge.

thank you

Man Slaughteress or Murderess

2010-03-20T12:19:00.004-05:00

I have had a lovely african violet for around 12 years or so. It has the most becoming dark purple blossoms and sweet furry leaves. I loved that plant, to death. Here you can see it behind the bunny.
We have finally had some sun so I took it outside to add some color and background to my shop photos. Just a subtle little peek of purple. Ahhhh Except I forgot to take it back inside with me. It stayed out all night long. It froze to death while I was snug in my bed. I swear it wasn't murder, I loved that plant.

Here's how it looks now. Not so good. RIP 12 year old beloved african violet plant.

The other night I was getting ready for bed and my Drew kept hanging around me. I was sure he was going to flash me or something. Behind him I noticed a flash of gorgeous purple. Ahhhhh

I won't man slaughter this one.

probably

Who Doesn't Love a Freebie

2010-02-18T11:54:00.005-06:00

One thing I really like about blogging is all the giveaways people have. You know to celebrate 100 posts, or one year, or 1oo followers, or 100 days without bothering the elderly. You get the idea. I've even won a few myself. When I have a giveaway I always let my daughter pick names from a bowl. I don't trust that random number generator, you know it's operated by China.

So anyhow she started getting into having her own giveaways. She gave away a cupcake box, lip gloss, a sheet of stickers... Her friends got into the whole giveaway thing too and started a whole giveaway trend type thing at school. Fun , fun, and more fun.

I picked her up from school recently and she told me not to worry about supper, she had it covered. It was in her back pack. She won a giveaway from her friend Hannah. I asked some questions, she stalled me. Could the kid's lunch be in there? A frozen dinner, bag of Doritos?

She whipped it out when we got home. Her giveaway prize. A bag of uncooked spaghetti. She could not have been more thrilled. This is exactly as it arrived; open and partially used up then stored in a ziploc bag. WOW

If you were expecting a giveaway with this post sorry but there's a recession going on and I'm out of pasta.

I'm Famous- Again- and Still not for Going to Jail or Posing Nude

2010-02-10T19:37:00.003-06:00

Eeeeeek my cupcake toppers made it on the same post with Martha Stewart over on the
Pepper Design Blog.
Check out my girlie pink stuff, even you Brian- being a guy is no excuse.

Which is Worse?

2010-02-08T20:33:00.002-06:00

Drew dropped me off at the door and said he'd drive around the parking lot and pick me back up. He's a gentleman like that, plus it was raining.
So I went inside and made my purchase. I exited the door and saw his car parked waiting for me. As soon as he saw me he pulled up so I would not have to get wet. Swoon :)
I opened the door and started to climb in. My left buttox touched the seat when he said, "Uh oh, wrong car." Whaaaat??????????????????????????????????????

Oh my gawwwwwwwwd. I tried to climb in the wrong car, was halfway inside the wrong car. My buttoxus was touching the seat of the wrong car.
The worst part was my husband and kid saw me do it. Oh the horror!!! It was raining and dark people, I'm not a lunatic. usually
So I was the butt of various jokes all night long. ( get it butt.....I know)

So on to the which is worse. One time at the movies Drew went inside the ladie's room. I yelled at him ,"YOU"RE IN THE LADIE"S ROOM!" And he came back out. But really if I hadn't yelled at him he never would have known and someone would surely have decked him with her purse or pushed him into the sink. So I actually was a hero, though a minor and soon forgotten one.

Anyhow, he says my getting in a stranger's car was worse than him going into the ladie's room. What do you think? I think his had the most potential for disaster so was therefore worse. Plus I had my clothes on.

FAIL

2010-02-03T17:39:00.003-06:00

FAIL blog. I love that site. I love seeing FAIL written all over things that FAIL.

And now I am awarding Brian a big, giant FAIL. You have a FAIL Brian. How ya like me now?
FAIL for Brian.
Brian has FAILed.

I have deleted my very important message to you on facebook. It is gone because you refused to read it. Now you will never know what it said. FAIL.

Sure, you'll wonder for all eternity what it said; " Has she pledged her undying love to me?"
"Did she give me some kind of awesome award?"
" Did she say she was mailing some kind of debilitating disease found only in Texas in a letter to me and not to open it?"
"Does she want to be bffs now that she's dropped Ted?"

You will never, ever know Brian because you have received a FAIL.

Oh yeah, Happy birthday. You're middle aged now , right?

No Sale

2010-01-20T18:08:00.002-06:00

Here is a shot of a new Valentine card I have for sale in my shop. For some reason it's not selling.

Blitz, Blitz, a Ball Room Blitz

2010-01-19T08:32:00.003-06:00

And so we were at dinner last night (I know I write about restaurant experiences a lot but honestly it's the only thing I do that remotely resembles having a life) when that song bar room blitz came on. It's a pretty cool song and Drew asks me if it's Ted Nugent singing it.
"No way, that's a pretty good song" (sorry Ted ).
" I'm pretty sure it's Ted Nugent"
"Nah"
Then Drew starts messing with his phone to see who sang it. He asked me, the compound word challenged , if bar room was one word or two. One word or two, I never know. He couldn't find it so he just typed in Ted Nugent.
" Here's something about Ted saying he's going to kill Hillary and Obama"
" Is he in jail? If there is someone I'd take at their word about killing me it'd be him" He was kicked off as a columnist on our local paper for his radical views after all
" I don't know, I don't know. Here it is. It's ball room blitz (one word or two?). A play on words or something something, ahhh I can't see it"
Hmmmmm
That was when I realized my BFF relationship with Ted was over for good. I didn't even care about his death threats or his song. I had to face it. I've felt empty all these months emailing Ted and having him not email me back because I wouldn't pay--so one sided you know. Guess we're breaking up Ted. If you have anything to say about this don't email me and I'll know how you feel.

I refuse to cry.

Hee Haw

2010-01-04T19:40:00.002-06:00

Dear Lady who kept laughing so very loudly in Logan's Roadhouse while we were eating dinner,

Thanks so much for ruining our only night out with your non stop laughing antics. You sounded just like a braying donkey only a little louder. Thanks. I had to forcibly keep my fork from poking out my left eye.

You're in your 50's so surely someone by now has stared at you rudely (I mean besides myself) or asked you to please keep it down. Your poor husband sat beside you like he was in a daze, my gawd the horrors you must have put him through over the years. You probably blab at the poor guy non stop and drive your daughter in law bat shit with your inane chattering.

Please stay home if you can't control yourself in the future. No one was amused by you. Absolutely no one.

Happy Festivus Everyone!!

2009-12-24T11:43:00.001-06:00

Yes, everything is ready. After the airing of grievances tonight I'm pretty sure I can get my mother in law in a pretty good head lock. Wish me luck!

Secret Santa Can suck it Part ll

2009-12-21T11:15:00.007-06:00

Once again it is time for Bee's Sucking Santa game.I was given victim Whitney of

knitinpublic.com So here goes.

Whitney is young and enjoys knitting and Haikus.Since I can't knit I have written her a Haiku or two. I hope you like them Whitney.

My mustache necklace

I like fucking plastic dolls

Minichill kill you

And here is a special cinquain which is like a haiku but different:

Chico

Chico is banned.

My mom don't like my dog.

He won't pee on the floor at night.

Woof, woof.

I would give Chico a free pass if I could. Poor thing.

And one last Haiku inspired by that sappy Sound of Music song, Favorite Things:

Boobs on gingerbread
The Santa dudes in speedos.

A few favorite things.

And there you go Whitney, your own mustache necklace and a free pass for Chico. Merry Merry Christmas! Some weird thing is wrong with the spacing, sorry.

Jean Knee Delivers the Goods

2009-12-18T13:28:00.003-06:00

Yes it is once again that jolly time of year: the class Christmas party. Last year was sooo stressful when the first grade Nazi leader, czar--whatever she calls herself, assigned me bottled water for the party. It better be the exact size and brand of all the other bottled water at every other first grade party. The pressure was immense but I managed.

This year the second grade room mother said to me, "Can you bring a sweet? we already have goldfish and fruit.?" Uhhhm, how to answer how to answer. JK "Yes, sure what kind of sweet?"

RM "Oh any kind just make it cute, Brooke's mom brought reindeer cookies last year."
JK " So reindeer cookies?"
RM "Anything you like"
JK "drool, panic,silent cursing"
Sure she said any kind of sweet, but I heard specific words "reindeer cookies". Crap

I searched on line and found a lot of different kinds, but good gravy they all involved 25 step directions and 30 minutes per cookie. Gack, I barely move all day long and they want me to do hours of cookie decorating??

Went to Walmart and dodged the Salvation Army guy jingling his loud bell and bellowing "Merry Christmas" at me. S#it, isn't panhandling at a public place illegal? Should I call the cops? No time, the reindeer are calling. Then I dodged around a couple of Walmart babies (you know toddlers in only a diaper running all over like fat guys at a free buffet). Where are all the ingredients???? I continued running all over, so thankful that this wasn't Kmart where any second a red light special would be announced and I would be crushed underfoot by housewives wanting to save .25 on a large bottle of tidy bowl.

PANIC, RUN ... help. Then Lean holds up these candy sticks begging me unmercifully for them. Yes, get 'em keep going. buh buh buh reindeer buh bu

And then I spied them. Cute cupcakes white with red sprinkles, wouldn't they look darling with the candy sticks? It's a sweet right? what to do, what to do....I went for it.

We took the cupcakes home, stuck the candy sticks in them and made North Pole cupcakes, yess. Took less than five minutes.

Reindeer cookies were not even mentioned at the party. Of course some of the uhh, children were concerned that their cupcake had a hole in it. No s#it moron, it had a candy stick in it.

No I didn't say it out loud.

probably

Asswipes of America, Lend Me Your Rears

2009-11-18T20:17:00.008-06:00

If you've watched TV at all this week (except for you Brian) you have noticed it is green week. Many shows have an ecological propaganda-ish slant. Go green. On Thursday night environmental prophet, Father Al Gore, will be in the line up just like last year. I, like the next person, totally support going green and protecting our environment just as long as it takes no effort or money on my part. Go green!

To celebrate I am introducing you to a new green product: re-useable asswipes (in rainbow colors) yea! Just look at these darling things. Economical and very small and portable. EXCEPT.....what do you do with them after you wipe your ass? I guess you could keep a decorated asswipe can next to your toilet bowl like the diaper pails of old. That could work but what to do on the job? You could carry a ziploc bag in your pocket to keep used asswipes in. But, dang, ziplocks are BAD, they choke ducks or something. And gack what if you dug for change to add to the parking meter and instead you whipped out a bag of used asswipes. uhm, eww And really is there enough bleach anywhere to make you feel they are properly clean?

These might be a bad idea. Let's see what the creator of re-useable asswipes has to say about them. Why use my asswipes: http://www.etsy.com/view_transaction.php?transaction_id=21554174

Great. I am sooo very glad to have this new product. While you're on the link why not check out re-useable tampons with a wet bag. ew

Just the Other Day: A Story Of Horror

2009-11-13T08:16:00.003-06:00

Just the other day I was outside playing with my dogs when I noticed a humongous fuzzy caterpillar crawling on the ground. I had to act quick before Polka Dot slurped it up. I ran and got a jar, stuck him in and put a piece of paper over the opening so it couldn't get out. I was going to show Lean when she got out of school and I imagined we'd let it crawl all over enjoying its antics. "Look at him crawl!" "He's so big!" " Oh my gawwwwwwwwwwsh he's just so cute"

But dang, I forgot all about him until the next day. Uh oh, what if he's dead? The Horror!

But he wasn't dead, he had spun his chrysalis around himself inside the jar. Now we could watch him hatch out and see his first flight. It was gonna be so great!

Lean loved seeing him all cocooned up and so we just waited.

Last night I gathered up all the dirty glasses and ran the dishwasher cuz I'm all clean and organized like that. This morning I went to get Lean a clean glass and dear me I saw I had put the jar with the caterpillar in it through the dishwasher. Say it isn't so. It's so. He went through the entire cycle. The good thing is I didn't have it on disinfect or heated dry so he could possibly be okay. You think?

I hope PETA doesn't get wind of this.

Veteran's Day

2009-11-11T11:31:00.002-06:00

I check my watch. As usual I'll have to hustle if I'm going to get there on time.
Great, the road's blocked off and the next road is one way. I'll have to take Austin Avenue downtown.

Okay, now look, I'm stuck behind a police car, flashing its lights and moving turtle slow. I fall back to keep a good distance between me and the law. He's moving even slower now if that is even possible. I check my watch. Huff a sigh, fall further back, keep putting along.

I notice a group of older women joyfully waving at me. I wave back. Across the street now a man with three boys all wave and yell as I drive by. Again I wave, these people all must know the wavin guy. I see still more groups waving and brandishing flags... DUH It's Veteran's Day.

I am in the Veteran's Day Parade. Not only in it, but leading it. The police cruiser is clearing the street for the parade to follow. Yikes!
I keep waving, everyone is so enthusiastic. I'm not a veteran, so maybe I shouldn't wave.

Wait a minute, my husband is a veteran. My father and grandfather are both veterans.
I used to march in the Veteran's Day Parade during high school, representing our flag corps. This celebration includes everyone, because everyone, in thousands of known and unknown ways, has been touched by a veteran.

I have as much right as anyone else to wave in this parade. I have this right because soldiers, both present and past, have served to endow me and every person here this right.

No, I won't allow this opportunity to pass me by. I putter and wave and don't once check the time.

I'm late picking Lean up from pre-school. I grab her hand and we run down Austin Ave. We become part of the crowd and now I'm an onlooker, waving, smiling, and honoring.

HEy IT'S AN OLDIE BUT GOODIE

Happy National Candy Corn Day!

2009-10-30T16:47:00.004-05:00

Yes, October 30 is national candy corn day. mmm.

First made in the 1880's candy corn sales reach 20 million pounds per year. Yehawww that's a lot of candy corn.

I fall into the category that doesn't particularly like candy corn, but I do enjoy one or two pieces at Halloween. The new fangled flavors and Easter and Christmas candy corn have never grabbed me either. So pretty much I leave it to others to enjoy.

Until this year. Now they have chocolate covered candy corn. Chocolate; now who doesn't love things covered in chocolate? I have a lovely package of the said confecction which I will be sharing with my extended family tonight. I will of course let you know if it is a yummy as it sounds

UPDATE: chocolate covered candy corn is pretty good

Boo Humbug

2009-10-28T17:23:00.002-05:00

We finally got boo'd, for the very first time. Boo virgins no longer baby!

So booing is kinda like a chain letter only fun and you won't die a horrible death if you break it. Someone sends you a bag of Halloween goodies and within two days you send two other neighbors a bag of goodies and so on blah blah. You place a boo sign on your door so you won't be boo'd again because that's not fair and this is America.

We opened our goodies and made up two more boo bags of stuff, plus two kewl skeletons with green light up eyes, Oh Yeah! AND we placed the boo sign out like we were supposed to do. Because I always follow directions as you may know. It was fun getting everything together and delivering the surprises to doors WITHOUT a BOO sign.
To my absolute horror one of the houses had already been boo'd but did not put the sign out so this was their second stinkin boo, cheater pants! Not only that but they refused (at least so far) to boo anyone else and still after being boo'd twice won't put out the sign. CHEATERS!!!

The other house had not yet been boo'd so that was good, we told them to put the sign out so they won't get boo'd again but they refuse to do it. OH the Horror!!

So I was getting all lathered up about it and ranting all around the house. My blood pressure was up and then I noticed how pathetic I am. MY GAWWWD, I have no life whatsoever, I'm almost as bad as a PTA mom sticking her nose all up in other people's business and I probably ruined it for my kid. ARRRRRGH

help

It's Getting Close, Do You Have Your Haunt On?

2009-10-20T18:40:00.001-05:00

Halloween Candy Fail

2009-10-18T10:40:00.003-05:00

Party Till the Crow Pecks Your Eyes Out

2009-10-16T13:09:00.002-05:00

Yes once again it is almost Halloween, the most awesome day of the year. The birthday of Satan, or taxes, or my little ponies. I can never remember which.

And so to give you partay ideas, or bad dreams or something here is a party pack a customer ordered in apple green and hot pink. Drew predicted no one would by my friends because they are too creepy, but here a customer not only bought them but glammed them up with custom colors.

I would love to be at that party.

Budget Shrink

2009-10-06T10:37:00.004-05:00

Lately I've been thinking I might need some psychological help. I don't hear voices or eat my toe jam on toast or anything that creepy. I have been a bit edgy around the elderly for a while now. I'm not entirely sure if it's them or me who is at fault (probably the elderly you know how they love to drive you tee totally insane with their inane stories about their cats. )

Today I was sent a sign. From above you may wonder? No, from Brian. He had this link to an electronic shrink program type thing.
Eliza So I decide to have a go at it. Here is a transcript from our session:

>Hello,I am Eliza.
*Hello, I am Jean Knee.
>Did you come to me because you are Jean Knee?
*No, what kind of stupid ass thing is that to ask?
>Why do you ask?
*I do not know
>Tell me more...What is it you really want to know?
* Is it morally worse to be mean to the elderly because of their decreased mental capacity?
>Can you elaborate on that?
*No
>You are being a bit negative.
* You are being a bit of an ass yourself.
>Perhaps you would like to be being a bit of an ass myself?
*Oh my gawwd - they've even outsourced shrinks to India
>Say, do you have any psychological problems?
*No
>Are you sure?
*Yes
>Are you sure?
*Yes
>Come, come elucidate your thoughts.
*Shove it
>OK... "You am being a bit of an ass yourself" . Tell me more

Here I just gave up because by now I was convinced Eliza must be elderly herself. And Indian.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-09-30T19:13:00.002-05:00

Fo Paw

2009-09-20T10:48:00.002-05:00

One day soon I will probably be beaten up by the elderly. I'm always clashing with them, who knows why. Here's a fun story that happened yesterday.

Perfect day for a pee wee football team, cool but just barely. My little girl is a cheerleader this year and it was our first game, yes!! Things were moving along; boys running around, girls yelling. Then my friend Dara walked over to see a baby in a stroller. It took a second I swear and then this hag bellowed out "YOU"RE IN MY WAY!!!!" so rudely. Dara said she was just crossing over to see the baby, okay she was sorry. It was one second that she was in front of the bellowing hag. So then she walked over to stand by me. I stood behind her and in my loudest hag bellowing voice screamed at her "YOU"RE IN MY WAY!!!!!" She snorted and said to me quietly "you're so bad" to which I said "I know". Ha, just let some old rude hag yell at my friend !

A few minutes later Dara walks over by the hag. The hag talks to her a minute and says "I'll see you at home" . Once again foot in mouth. It turns out it was her mother in law I was heckling.

In the end she thought it was funny so really all was well.

Bless Me, Father

2009-09-08T12:09:00.003-05:00

There is an awesome candy store called It's Sugar. WoW
It is full of every candy you could ever imagine. mmmmm
I walked around that store in pure heaven. Looking, looking, not wanting to buy just any old thing. Then I spied them. Satellite Wafers. I see them in magazines all the time but I've never seen any in a store. I grabbed them quick.

They always look so cute and adorable, just like mini flying saucers. Perfect for a space party, would look cute on cupcakes, put them in a candy bar...on and on. And now, they were mine. I eagerly read all the important package information...made in Belgium; two wafers filled with colored ball candy ; cute little sunshine on the package. Ahhhhh, Satellite Wafers.

I opened the package and took a look. Well. Interesting, they looked just like communion wafers. I shook it and could hear the little balls rolling around inside. Still looks just like a communion wafer. Wonder if it tastes like a communion wafer? Hmmm I never can handle those things well. I know you're not supposed to chew them because who would chew Jesus? Usually the communion wafer sticks to the roof of my mouth because I don't dare chew it. Then it stays up in there for rest of the service.

I decided to just go for it and popped it into my mouth where it instantly stuck to the roof of my mouth. Ohhh but it was okay because since this wasn't a communion wafer I could chew it. I kinda chewed around on it and then the balls rushed out. I ate another and I swear I felt free of sin almost instantly. Who Knew?

Polka Dots Prevailed, Baby!

2009-09-05T13:55:00.001-05:00

You've Got to Fight For Your Right to Polka Dots

2009-09-04T15:26:00.002-05:00

I haven't read the constitution since civics class in eleventh grade but I'm pretty sure it promised me life, liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. Making my kid happy makes me happy. My kid wants polka dots: therefore Polka Dots = Happiness. Love the logic. So easy and so, well, logical.

Tomorrow is Lean's birthday party. She wanted a bowling party , check. Then last week she decides she wants pink and white polka dots as her party theme. It was last minute but I love me some polka dots and that little girl has my heart. To be sure everything is a go I went to the bowling alley and asked if I could bring my own plates and decorations with polka dots. The party coordinator said yes I could but I would be charged the same amount as if I were using their decorations. Kind of a rip off but it's polka dots, ya know? So I agreed. She was helpful and nice and helped me plan out the type of party I wanted. She told me to bring my decorations the day before so she would have them. Got It.

Don't got it. I called today and told the asst. manager, (let's just drop the t, shall we? it'll be more accurate) I had my party supplies could I drop them off? " Absolutely not, you can not bring in any outside items except for the cake", said the ass manager? WHAT?

JK:I was told that I could bring my own decorations because my daughter wanted Polka Dots.

ass manager: we provide everything, you can't bring your own things

JK: I have already purchased all the items and they can not be returned, I am using them at the party.

ass: Who told you you could bring them?

JK: the girl who set my party up

ass: she is the party coordinator she can't make that decision

JK: Can I speak to the manager please?

ass: the manager is not here, I am the ass manager and I am telling you NO YOU CAN"T DO THAT ( some other garbled stuff I don't remember because my blood was boiling making me lose partial hearing)

Now you all know that when confronted by adversaries I usually stand with my mouth agape unable to speak from shock. Not today. We are talking about Polka Dots.

JK: NO LISTEN TO ME ........ other loud stuff I don't remember because of my hearing loss due to rage. We went back and forth for a while. She finally told me I could call the manager tomorrow at 9:30.

So I call Drew on the phone and ask him to go put ass in her place--he can stay more focused and calm than I can. He tried, he failed. My gawwd what a woman. Ass called the party coordinator at home because she didn't believe us. Still she would not see reason.

Soooooo. The manager is calling us at 5:00 to try to resolve the matter. In the meantime I have the number of the corporate office on speed dial. If worse comes to worst we will move the party and Drew volunteered to stand in the parking lot with a sign saying the party has moved.

to be continued,............

Wordless Wednesday: Ninja Squirrel Edition

2009-09-02T20:26:00.000-05:00

Compound It!

2009-08-26T08:14:00.002-05:00

So anyway I was at Lean's school yesterday helping the teacher label the supplies. All was going well until she asked me to write homework on the red folders. Oh my gaaawwwd, I couldn't remember if homework was one word or two. I'm compound word challenged in a very bad way. Is it one word or two? I never know.

Crap, I was too embarrassed to ask. After all I used to be a teacher and dealt with homework daily. GAAACK! So I wrote it as one word with a slight gap between the e and the w so if needed I could add longer sticks on the w to make it two words. Oh the pressure. Finally the teacher took the class to the rest room (one word or two?). I dashed around like a super sleuth looking through papers on her desk, pulling out folders--there had to be something about homework somewhere. Hurry hurry hurry, they're coming back. She'll have to redo the folders and everyone will know I'm a ditz, Oh the horror!!! But then I saw it labeled on an in box (one word or two?). One word. ..... Kay

Lame Hedgehog Stuff

2009-08-24T20:21:00.004-05:00

Here is the joke Brits find the funniest:
"Hedgehogs -- why can't they just share the hedge?"

REALLY? Brian, is this your favorite as well? I'm still chortling over it.

"Orphaned hedgehogs have adopted a hairbrush as their mother because of its bristly texture "

This is really just too much people. It's registering a ten on my spew at cuteness meter. I mean just look at those things. And that brush, wow. Who has hair that will work for?

May I Lend You a Hand?

2009-08-06T13:57:00.002-05:00

Look what I bought today! I've always wanted a bloody stump hand.

Walking With Big Balls

2009-07-23T21:32:00.002-05:00

I walk in the mornings now. Sometimes Polka Dot , Penny, Drew or Lean come with me. This morning I was on my own. Alone. Walking , day dreaming, thinking my own thoughts. Kinda nice.

As I turned into a new street I saw I picked up a straggler. Big Balls. He's a golden retriever with the biggest balls I have ever seen. They are enormous, and jiggly. He walked in front of me and all I could do was focus on his balls. Rude I know, but if you saw these things you wouldn't be able to take your eyes off them. Then that song by AC/DC started going through my mind. Over and over while I focused on the big balls of Big Balls. They kind of squish out his backside one at a time because they won't both fit at the same time. They kind of swish swish back and forth. Almost in time to the music going through my head. Then I started thinking how if you hung him from the ceiling you could use those things as punching bags. Big Balls probably wouldn't like it much. Swish swish, "I've got big balls..." I was home before I knew it, time flies while watching jiggly bits.
But you know what, usually by the end of my walk I'm thinking of stuff that needs to be done: Laundry, filthy dishes.... Only today I was singing in my head to the beat of swish swish.

What tune do you have going through your head right now?

A Fudge Surprise for Bee

2009-07-20T16:40:00.001-05:00

mmmmmm, it's thumb lickin good!

Suicide is Painless

2009-07-14T15:21:00.004-05:00

It is so broilingly, miserably hot here. It's been between 104 and 107. Yesterday my dog Penny did a curious thing. She sat in the middle of the yard, under a cloudless sky, in temperatures over 100. Not to mention the fact that she is a black lab. She absorbs any tiny bit of sun instantly. I put her in the shade of our back porch, poor thing must have been delirious.

Later I see she is back in the middle of the yard. I put her back on the porch. Moments later she is back in the sun. I take her some ice to cool off, she won't take it so I open her mouth and shove it in. She let it fall to the ground...thud. What's going on here?

Drew thinks she's trying to commit suicide. At first I just laughed , but then I started to think maybe she is trying to off herself. I mean if you're a dog your options are pretty limited. No access to guns or pills, can't suck on your car's tail pipe. I suppose you could drown in your dog bowl if there's enough water. Why else would she keep doing such a dumb ass thing?

I remember my brother's Oscar jumped out of his bowl and dried out on the floor. And what about the countless birds and squirrels that throw themselves into my car when they see me coming. Mere accidents or something else? It could be all part of the animal conspiracy but does that really make sense?

As far as I know I haven't caused any humans to try and buy the farm.

Happy Independence Day!!!

2009-07-04T08:48:00.003-05:00

Buy something from my shop

Watch Out for That Dog Poop

2009-06-21T14:00:00.004-05:00

We were out walking the neighborhood this morning enjoying the scorching heat, categorizing our various body aches, and yelling at dogs. By chance I looked down and saw that Drew was about to step in a gigantic pile of dog crap. My ninja sharp reflexes kicked in and I yelled, "DOO DOO!". Drew keeps walking, steps in it and says "what?"
"You walked in dog crap".
"Well, I didn't know what you were yelling about, you should have said ' watch out for that dog poo'. Besides it was dry"

Hmmmm If I had taken the time to say that mouthful no way would he have had time to avoid the crap. "DOO DOO!" gave him time to stop or move over.

He then made fun of me for awhile yelling things like KETCHUP!. What a card.

We turned onto our street where Lean was riding her scooter. A car started out into the street so I yelled "CAR!" No response, so I keep yelling move!and watch out!

Drew says, " see how effective your one word outbursts are?" hmmmm

I guess he has a point but seriously if someone yelled DOO DOO! at you wouldn't you stop? If your heard CAR! wouldn't you move? Are all those excess words really needed? If someone yelled SNAKE!,..SPIDER!..or MOJITO! at you wouldn't you respond?

Just for fun I keep yelling DOO DOO!! at him every so often.

Wordless Wednesday: Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo Pays his Respects

2009-06-17T12:13:00.002-05:00

I'm Famous-ish

2009-06-15T12:01:00.007-05:00

Is that my cute little daughter in the photo? no ...Did I make those cute clothes? no...

See that sweet little nut cup ( I always snicker when I talk about my nut cups, so..) the cute little girl is holding? That darling little crepe basket is mine, done by me, that's right. The owner contacted me and bought a nut cup (snicker...) to go in her store's photo shoot.

I was going to brag on my craft blog but no one reads it so I'm forcing it down your throats. Yea

You're right, I'll probably brag there too.

well

check out her store

here

http://www.dollyup.co.nz/index.php

Walt Disney Effs everything Up

2009-06-11T18:52:00.003-05:00

How many stories has Disney screwed up? Changing plots around, getting the "facts" wrong, sweetifying until the point of a saccahrin coma. Did you see Pocohontas?... seriously
Wait, that might have been Oliver Stone......nope, Disney...whatever.

We rcently rewatched Finding Nemo *, which is a good movie except for its non factual fact; all drains lead to the ocean- Oh Really? Not in rural Texas. All drains in our house lead to the septic tank-in our back yard. The End.
sigh

I had a chat with Lean that went something like this:

L: Mom when are we going to bury
Cupcake?

JK: Any time you want to

L: I was thinking that he wants to go to the ocean so we can just flush him because "All drains lead to the ocean".

(think quick, think quick, now's your chance to get the fish outta the freezer, so what if our drain goes to the septic?)

JK: yes, if that's what you want to do we can have a little funeral and then flush him.

L: No, I don't want to have a funeral cause it makes me sad.

We got him out of the freezer and prepapred him for flushing. More chatting:

L: Why's he gray?

JK: because he's dead

L: What happened to his eyes?

J: they dried up

L: Are we gonna flush the foil?

J: no

Then we flushed him, it was that easy. She thinks Cupcake is in the ocean and all is right with the world. Who's to say he isn't?

RIP Cupcake, home at last.
(14 months later)

* yes I know it is Pixar, Disney owns them. Oliver Stone's cousin works in the copy room.

The Shaft: Giving and Receiving

2009-05-29T18:56:00.003-05:00

I have that sweet, unassuming look that yells " Screw me please, and then when you're done have your sister screw me over too!" Mostly I don't care, I have a big problem with apathy, it goes right along with my sloth- not sure if one causes the other..I don't give a flying fig.

We have a fund raiser for our softball team. Each team has a theme and fills a basket with related items for a silent auction. wow Our theme is music and really who wants a new book of sheet music featuring tunes from Richard Simmons' sweating to the oldies? So it was decided we would collect money and buy an ipod and a $30.00 itunes card. Seemed great, we bought it and only three people gave any money $10.00, 15.00 and 20.oo. so yeah we got the shaft. Three other people gave dollar store doodads to add to the basket. yay

Here's some more whining. I have a customer who wanted me to make up a custom order for her. I did. Now she won't pay for it. boo I can't resell it because it is custom for her.

Why can't people just do what they say they are going to do? Huh? Is it really that much of a problem? I really don't know.

Which leads me to the giving part;I'm a giver. You know Dan right? Well he won a fabulous cock sucker prize from me a very long time ago and I have never sent it. I gave Dan the shaft. But do you know what he did about it? Just blew it off. He didn't stop reading my blog, he didn't send threatening emails, he didn't send me nude photos of himself on vacation at Sea World (drat!).

I'm trying to pattern myself after you, Dan. Keeping my apathy at it's highest peak. And you just keep checking your mailbox because I'm sure your prize is coming soon.

While Driving In My Car

2009-05-15T08:13:00.003-05:00

Just on the cusp of being late I sped down our lonely-ish country road. Moments later a car flashed its lights at me. I slowed down, whew, no ticket coming my way. It's nice of the dude to flash me but this is a two lane with no shoulder country road, where would smokie hide for a speed trap? Where indeed. I'd been duped. Asswipe made me drive slowly knowing I need every precious second to arrive on time.

I felt disgruntled until I realized fun for free could be mine as well. As soon as I turned onto the main road, where everyone speeds, I began flashing my lights at passersby. "Slow down, sucker. " I had successfully turned lemons into lemonade with my fun loving positive outlook on life. Not only that but I'm sure after realizing they were duped most of the other cars did the same thing and falsely flashed cars they passed. Leaving a grin and lemonade kinda feeling to linger the whole morning long. My gift to the world, today.

Shoe Evolution

2009-05-11T08:54:00.006-05:00

Everyone has one right? Someone they look to for guidance and insight. A mentor, a muse, a morpher.

I have a problem, it's a very serial one. I only like men's shoes. It wouldn't be that much of a problem except they don't come in a size small enough to fit me. No the boy's department won't work, believe me I've tried, the styles are not the same, they are just too juvenile. I like men's shoes. I found these super awesome men's thongs on sale at Kohls a couple of years ago. For awhile they totally worked for me. When I trimmed my woman stache I felt the power of the shoes guiding my hand.
But finally I bent to pressures to buy a more womanly shoe. At a total loss I turned to the afore mentioned muse, Bee. She has thousands of shoes so I channeled her while I went shoe shopping. The only problem was I kept having an urge to run out and drink mojitos. It was so distracting that I just grabbed some woman shoes and left. Anyway they ended up being ugly, although feminine--come on they have a 2" heel. I wore them a few times but really I never liked them at all. Bee was all excited for me but I just couldn't do it. I like men's shoes. Sorry Bee. Last week I decided I must have some new summer shoes. Not from the men's department but absolutely no heel or other girly attribute. I looked at every shoe in the woman's department, hating each and every one of them until I found just the right ones. The Ones, people. Here they are. Some of you may point out that they are rather like my man thongs but you'd be wrong, so wrong. Look at all that curly detailing and blue lined interior; all woman. No it doesn't matter that they don't show when worn, I know they are there.

This post dedicated to my shoe muse Bee. And yeah mojitos are pretty good but look at those awful woman things they made me buy.

A Road Kill Story

2009-05-05T20:18:00.004-05:00

I'm pretty sure the Twitter experiment failed. I can't even be exciting for one sentence. But, eating road kill reminded me of another road kill experience from my youth.

I should probably tell you I grew up in a small town in Texas. Very Small. Population 3,872. There were 27 in my graduating class. Small. And rural. But that doesn't mean it was boring, we made our own fun.

One day Wanda Milson came over and we were trying to think of something fun to do. Luckily I remembered that there was a fresh road kill skunk out on the highway. And I had an empty shoe box. So, yeah we decided to give the boy down the street, Peanut Necessary, (this is his real name because I know he would want me to use it. Wanda is a fake name.) a kewl surprise present. So we go to get the present but it is squished onto the highway, flat and stuck. Plus cars kept rushing all over interrupting our important work. Finally I scraped the thing off the road with the lid of the box and got the surprise safely inside. We delivered it right into Peanut Necessary's yard and ran away like squealing girls.

The phone rang soon afterwards. Peanut yelling "come get this thing outta my yard!" I whispered to Wanda and after a lengthy delay said "I don't know what you are talking about".
And can I just interject here, why would he instantly assume it was me?? I'm not the only one our age living on this particular road. Anyway he kept yelling, I kept whispering, until finally his mom gets on the phone and tells me to come get the skunk outta her yard! yay

We walked down to Peanut's house to retrieve his gift, the ingrate. His mom came outside and clucked her tongue at us saying girls shouldn't be doing things like that da da da. I was frozen totally wordless and looking guilty as hell. Thank god Wanda knew the right things to say "Oh Mrs.Necessary we are so sorry it was just a joke da da.
She made us take the skunk away with us but she never told our parents. Good times.

does this make me a hick?

Practice Twitter II

2009-05-05T08:19:00.000-05:00

I ate road kill.

Practice Twitter

2009-05-01T14:07:00.002-05:00

my plant is dead

Earth Day

2009-04-22T08:17:00.002-05:00

It's Earth Day, what are you doing about it? I'm rubbing photos of Father Al (pre-vampire) all over my naked body while watching that commercial of the crying Indian (native American to all you whiny PC types). All the while reflecting.......................

Wordless Wednesday

2009-04-15T08:51:00.001-05:00

Penny VS. the Kong

2009-04-09T08:12:00.008-05:00

Penny has been looking a little glum lately. She's bored. The companionship of a half witted dalmatian can only take you so far.

I purchased her the latest in dog toy technology, the
KONG. Yes it is somewhat phallic, I agree. The idea is to put a dog treat inside the opening of the KONG while leaving some to protrude. Give it to your dog and they will be occupied for hours trying to get the treat. Instant fun!

WTF??WTF??WTF??WTF??WTF??WTF??

I gave it to her and she let it fall to the ground in her usual "I can't be bothered with such droll dog type things" attitude. Then she caught the scent of liver, delicious quivering liver, be still my heart. She got a nip of the liver quiver and she was hooked. She did try for a very long time to get the treat, trying new positions, new tactics. If I had filmed it it would have rivaled Bee's winter tale. Eventually her attention flagged for a moment and Polka Dot, Dalmatian of doom, swooshed it, grabbed it and ran exactly 30 feet away. Penny is confined by a thirty foot leash and Polka knows the boundaries down to the inch. Of course then he taunted her with it, the beast. What? Yes I could have purchased him one as well but those things are $12.95 plus the treats. I had to make sure they would both use it. Actually it was more fun watching the taunting. Finally Drew felt bad and broke the treat down so they could get it.

thirty feet away, thirty feet away ,thirty feet away

Such fun. Of course it got me thinking about others who might have hours of fun trying to get their treat of choice out of a KONG. Put some "get out of paying taxes free" cards in Kongs and pass them around a meeting of Obama's cabinet members. Hours of silence and no time to think up additional ways to socialize our free market ways.

Some would be easy: put some Cabury mini eggs in mine and a good heap of green bean casserole in Brian's.

Give me some of your ideas. A cigarette in Obama's, a J.Crew catalogue in Michele's, anti bacterial soap in Howie Mandell's? You can even be crude if you are so inclined.

We Have a Winner

2009-03-31T08:17:00.003-05:00

We have a winner for the cock sucker contest, but first, check out this lovely cartoon my #1 fan sent me:

And the winner is......................................................Dan........................................................................

Congratulations Dan, you are the envy of all my readers. send me your info

jeanknee20 (at) gmail.com

New Shop Opening and Giveaway

2009-03-26T14:19:00.003-05:00

Opening at last: The Polka Dot Cock!!!! Yeaaaaaah baby!!! You knew it was coming and now here it is. A shop specializing in lollipops modelled after my rooster, Mr.Cocka-Doodle-Doo. He's so excited. Aren't they the kewwllest things ever? You know you want one. For free.

So here's what yer gonna do. Check out my shop http://polkadotcock.etsy.com/ then leave me some feed back here. I'll know if you cheat and don't visit the shop so just do it. I'll pick a winner after I've milked it awhile. If you link my shop I'll throw your name in twice.

Yeah I'm whoring my shop on my blog--so?

Wordless Wednesday

2009-03-25T08:59:00.001-05:00

I Have a New Shop Opening Later This Week and , Yes, There Will Be a Door Prize

2009-03-23T14:22:00.002-05:00

* not suitable for children

Wordless Wednesday

2009-03-18T10:21:00.003-05:00

The Disappointment That is Changing Plans

2009-03-14T18:58:00.002-05:00

Spring break, yeah baby! I was supposed to be ensconced in a beach house at the beach for the week and visit Shlitterbahn water park. No I don't care how it's spelled. Yeah, that would be fun but not the most fun, nope, not at all.

The funnest of the fun was I had a date with Elasticwaistbandlady to meet at Pancho's Mexican Food Buffet and gorge until I couldn't move, and then enjoy the ensuing gas. I've been practicing tooting out "You are my Sunshine" and really I'm pretty good. It was going to be a surprise.
One of her sons had challenged me to a chimichanga eating contest. He might have won but my digestive track is older and can produce viler smells than he's ever even imagined.

Know what happened instead? Cold temperatures and rain. Here in Texas, in March. I know.
She wept like a baby on the phone when I told her we weren't coming for a fun filled week in a cold and rainy beach house. The weeping continued until I had to tell her to pull herself together, damn it,the children were watching.

It's not over, one day we will meet.........................................

Joaquin Phoenix Exclusive Interview With Ozzy Osborne

2009-03-03T08:37:00.014-06:00

Joaquin Phoenix star of 'Two Lovers ' was granted an interview with Heavy Metal Megastar Ozzy Osborne. Phoenix recently quit acting to pursue a carrer in music. Let's see what advice Ozzy has for breaking into the music scene. This interview is unedited.

Joaquin: Buhhhja qqg dyio o OZZY lah lahhh buhhhjdy ysusun suopllj??

Ozzy: @#$% #%$%$ $%^ &$@( Wanker @^%$&@

Joaquin: buhhbuh buh buh buhhhh buh buh buh buyh bub buh la la la laffo fo foo?

Ozzy: Wah wuhhh fah quert le $ ^% $%#@ sde fiwpgj SHARON!!! vhfy sref v

Joaquin: whuu whu whuu daa yaaa dooo?

Ozzy: buh buhh buh wahhahw NAKED hyg %$&*# aen yiooouu sdg MICK &*^JaGGER
dggueros $#@% ^& GDTY

The interview ended prematurely when both participants peered off into space without another word. Now I think we know why Phoenix has decided to pursue a career in rap.

Has This Ever Happened To You?

2009-03-02T09:15:00.002-06:00

Your husband tells you you look weird like some thing's wrong. You tell him to leave you alone or you'll kick him. He says you can't kick him and probably fantasizes about you snapping an exactly executed Tai Bo Karate kick to his head which he blocks by grabbing your foot in mid air and tipping you backwards to the ground.

Only you barely kick out at him and your shoe rips the skin off his stomach. It's so funny you can not stop laughing and it drives him to tell your daughter on you and show the evidence?

I kicked his mass at Wii boxing too.

Worrisome Wednesday

2009-02-25T08:11:00.004-06:00

Do you see that? I found it hidden underneath Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo's bed. I didn't want to make too big a deal out of it by positively reinforcing such an evil, evil concept.I decided to do what any good parent would do and throw the vile publication out without mentioning it.

I picked it up and found our friend Che was only the cover hiding something far sinister. Look what book fell out. Oh the Horror!! I hope he didn't get a chance to read the vile thing.

Maybe on second thought Che wasn't so bad?