Thursday, January 31, 2008

Swapping Mega-Awesomeness

As many of you know I love to make crafts and then swap them. Well , I have met someone who loves it even more than I do. I can't imagine what the vastness of her craft hoard must be. She not only knows how to show the luv, baby! She even knows who I love. Check it out.





She has two of my favorite guys right in her collage creations. Yes it is Father Al and Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo. How'd she know?




Here's a closeup of Father Al looking dapper in a Valentine hat holding a heart of love, just for you NCS. Want to see even more? Click

here

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

A Cock, A Cup, and.......



This post is dedicated to my spew muse, Bianca.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Spew Fest 2008 is on Hiatus

Yes, The Spew seems to have made a rather abrupt exit, just when things were getting fun. If you missed The Spew, don't worry there are still plenty of tour souvenirs available for immediate purchase.





Mega Vomit Corporation has worked with us to offer a fabulous pack of simulated Spew. Just look how life-like it is. Hang it as a decoration or use it to fool your friends or bats. It also works as a barrier to ensure that others keep a polite distance from you. Someone shoving up against you in line? Stealthily fling out The Spew with your own spin on retching noises and everyone will back off, affording you the personal space you deserve.








Don't be fooled by competitors, see first hand how Mega Vomit's Spew measures up against its competitors Fake Barf and Whoops. They don't even come close.Act now and we'll add, at no additional charge, The Spew Booklet. Learn tips on how best to use your Spew like these:


Use Spew as a decorative doily for you next party platter


Carry our fully fold able Spew in your pocket to be used in all sorts of


emergencies:

Pull out Spew if you are pulled over for a moving violation.


Use Spew to get out of meetings early.


Wife's not going for the standard "not tonight dear, I have


a headache"? Spew her.


Mortgage over due? Send in the payment with some spew


taped to the envelope, who wants to touch that?


And so many other tips and techniques. Don't delay we have a very limited supply!


Friday, January 25, 2008

A Story of Bondage and Bubbles

The Spew roared it's ugly head in the middle of the night, all over as it were. So to celebrate my bondage to The Spew here is a funny cartoon that came in an email.



.................GOVERNMENT HEALTH WARNING

..................DO NOT SWALLOW CHEWING-GUM !!


Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Premature Ejaculation

Unfortunately my ejaculation yesterday about my glorious spew free day was a bit premature. The spew is back. It has Lean so I know it will come for me soon.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Extended Weekend Fun

It's always delightful when you have an extra day tacked onto a weekend, right? What did I do with my extra day with the fam? Did we go museum hopping, have a smores roast with the neighbors, make belly button lint crafts?

No we had spew fest 2008 when the flu visited our household. Where can you purchase that red stuff grade school janitors used to, uh, clean up? I wish I knew, but cat litter will work on hard surfaces in a pinch. And then the today show had the audacity to show sliced raw tuna steak appetizers. Those fiends!

But today? Today is glorious. Everything looks new and sparkly and fresh, even though the skies are overcast and that horrible cold mist is spraying all over.
Everyone is well and about their usual activities. I passed a majestic looking owl sitting in a tree by the road surveying everything around him as if he were king of it all. He probably will be one day when we stupid humans destroy ourselves.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Singing Psychic

I was riding in my car. I turned on the radio. A special guest star was on my favorite morning show. Fran, the Singing Psychic. Wow.

According to her website she is a psychic superstar, helping police locate missing children, ghostbuster,clairvoyant, spiritual adviser and more.

When she receives her answers from the spirit world she sings her answers. No American Idol in her future though (even my untrained ears can predict that one).

Of course I couldn't wait to get home and try out my own powers. I'm no psychic but I am sort of psychotic (if I miss my anti-psychotic meds for a few days).


I am ready to become the Singing Psychotic. You say you don't like it, but I know you're a liar.


Let's give it a go. Send me your spiritual questions and I will gaze into my crystal Ball and give you my psychotic answer. Fran has a 95% success rating so I expect to have a 5.7% success rate ( since it's my first time and all)I shall be consulting my crystal ball since I couldn't find my magic eight ball



Link

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Justice Prevails

this is not Lean but this is how she looked
Is there any Justice in a society that values material objects over everything else? Yes, there is. And plenty of it.

Did someone say children's party? These are intriguing questions to which I answer, I'm there, baby!

Lean was invited to a birthday party at Justice. Was this to be a party where girls dress as lawyers and try pretend cases? No, Justice is a girl's clothing boutique. interesting

The marketing department for Justice must be made of the most bloodless, materialistic, geniuses in the country. THEY....ARE....GOOD.

We first arrived at the store greeted by Hannah Montana music and bright, shiny girlie things as far as the eye could see. Tween Mecca. We were instructed to just look around the store and try things out while we wait for the other guests. Sweeet. Of course every girl found numerous objects of lust they could just not live without. "Pleeeease, Mama, pleeeease" could be heard from every corner. I resisted but several other moms were not as war torn by six year old pleading as I was. The glint of credit cards was nearly blinding.

Finally two adorable teen girls called the girls together and gave the girls shopping bags to go shopping with. They were allowed to choose six trinkets and five pieces of candy. As these were not the biggest and best to be found, uh, purchased in the store there was much ogling and feeling of other, better booty (available for immediate purchase).

Then the girls were given Rock Idol hair and makeup and instructed to choose a purse, sunglasses and feather boa from the store shelves. They preened and bopped and strutted their stuff in a run way show while cameras flashed all around them.

Of course the boa, purse and glasses were not part of the party package but sold separately and available for immediate purchase. Lucky for me they were given a cupcake after the items were returned to the shelves or purchased. Lean is all about the cupcake, who needs girlie fluff you have to beg your mom for when there is a mouth watering confection at your disposal? That's my girl.

Against my better judgement I will have to say the girls looked adorable and had a blast. Maybe justice really is available for the right price.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Cutie

That Marty McFly is growing fast. Lean had a date with Danish so Cutie and I tagged along.

Marty McFly is now nine months old, man how time flies. Remember this
story

We went to the children's museum, had lunch, the usual fun time. Then Cutie whips a card out of her pocket. Oh no not Mary Kay? No. Cutie has started a dog portrait business. Very Kewwwl. My favorites are her collages. Check her out here.


Thursday, January 10, 2008

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Holy Toast, Batman, It's Breakfast!

Due to the huge popularity of my cereal substitute post, I am back again to punch up your breakfast experience. On the menu this go around? Holy Toast, because everyone should have a little Mary in the morning.*

Ingredients: bread, ,, Holy Toast Maker 4000




Directions: imprint bread with image of Mary. Toast as usual.

Just think of the surprised look on your guest's faces when they are served Holy Toast, yeah they were expecting a stale bagel but not at your house, baby!

Kids a little picky in the morning? No way they're gonna say no to "Jesus' Mama".**


Shake things up even more by adding some Judas Jam and maybe a little Mary Magdalene Margarine. Sweeeet!

* quote by Sarah

** quote by Lean

Saturday, January 5, 2008

Cereal Substitute

We had our nephew visit this week so you can imagine that breakfast cereal consumption shot way up. It is just about the only thing I can cram into Lean because she is never hungry in the morning. Of course I buy into that nutritional propaganda that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If someone said it sometime or other then it's probably true, right?





Only too bad for me cause we ran out of cereal. Now I am very handy in the kitchen (just look at all the heart hobbling recipes I've come up with using the waffle maker 4000) so I felt very sure that I could come up with a cereal substitute. I read the list of ingredients and went to work in my kitchen mixing, pouring, stirring, until I came up with the perfect cereal alternative.



And here it is: a cup of sugar with a child's vitamin on top. Sprinkle with one tablespoon of bleached and over processed white flour, and drink a glass of chocolate milk. This breakfast contains all of the main ingredients in cereal. Let me break it down for you:
  1. sugar, the main ingredient in anything edible
  2. white flour, need that fiber to keep things flowing,baby!
  3. vitamin, oh yes indeedy cereals are vitamin fortified
  4. chocolate milk, the artificial chemicals from the chocolate flavoring are needed to make it as close to actual cereal as you can get

Yum! Let the noshing begin.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Mr. Cocka-Doodle-Doo's Year in Review

Remember the first time you saw him?




He's a sharp dressed man













.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

The Original Fudge-a-gator Revealed

The fudge-a-gator, out of it's box. Lovely on a piece of green tissue paper.



I showed him the knife, didn't even flinch.



Sliced and diced, still no reaction.



The original fudge-a-gator all dressed up in it's fanciest New Year's finery. Presented to Rim for a party dessert. She was very upset that I cut up the fudge-a-gator (quite famous in our neighborhood). After a while she selected the head, with it's piercing green eyes, lamented it's demise and popped it right in her mouth. Hmmmmm

So now I am 93% sure the fudge-a-gator was a confection.