Sunday, September 30, 2007

Celebrity BBL

Everyone had pretty good ideas for BBL crafts. Sadly, I found that I just did not have enough BBL to make as many crafts as I'd like. I sent out a plea over Teh Internets for good citizens around the globe to share. Imagine my delight when I received not just anonymous BBL, but celebrity BBL as well. I will share just a few with you now.





The first bundle arrived from athletic superstar, O.J. Simpson (homicidal maniac)




























The following bundle arrived courtesy of comedian extraordinaire Carrot Top
















A very mysterious package arrived from mindfreak, Criss Angel. The plastic bag was filled with rather soft and smelly mindfreak BBL. When I went to photograph it, the lint was gone.









And, finally NFL quarter back, Michael Vick sent an amazingly large amount of BBL.
For some reason Polka Dot did not like it at all.





Friday, September 28, 2007

Belly Button Lint: Crafty Friend or Unwanted Foe?

Friend, I say. Join me as I explore the ever expanding world of naval lint.

To begin we will need lint reserves. I have my Belly Button Lint, BBL, stored in a beautiful ball canning jar. Many of you may be throwing your lint away or just leaving it in the naval cavity. Collection and storage are very important.


I collect my BBL with a hand made collection brush.
"If your belly has lost its luster, try this belly button duster." (thefunplace.com)




Curve the end of a sparkly pipe cleaner (this type tends to be stiffer and is able to collect more BBL than the plain type of pipe cleaners) into an oval shape. Use the oval end to collect your BBL. If you prefer not to come into this much contact with your naval this product might work for you.




You will want to store your BBL in a cool dry place. If you keep your BBL in any type of container make sure to keep the lid off, otherwise your BBL may develop an unpleasant odor.
Decorate container as desired.

Now comes the fun part: making crafts or other useful things with your BBL.
I saw a few ideas on the net, but, sadly there were no pictures of actual BBL creations.
Please leave me your ideas and I will try your ideas out and report back. Please keep in mind I do not knit. I may not be able to reproduce your ideas if they are too complicated.

Thursday, September 27, 2007

A Little Crafty MEME

So I'm in another swap, remember I have that crafting disease? This one is cool cause it lasts three months. Yeah baby, Oct., Nov., and Dec.!! The most important thing to know about my partner is she loves chocolate!!!!! And Crafting. And chocolate!!! Check out her blog Sarah

Now it's all about me:

1. Favorite Color:
constantly changes

2. Chocolate Lover? Milk, Dark, White, or none of the above?
mostly milk chocolate

3. What is your favorite craft hobby?
paper crafts/ kids crafts

4. What is a craft/art hobby that you would like to start?
collage. finding a way to craft with my belly button lint

5. What craft do you NOT have an interest in or just not great in ( so your partner doesn’t send something you wouldn’t use)?
knitting

6. Do you have any allergies? (we don’t want to send anything with peanuts if it’ll make you blow up like a balloon!)
nah

7.What’s your favorite part of Halloween? Decorating, candy eating, costumes, or something else?
I love every part of Halloween, decorating is probably my favorite

8. Do you decorate for Thanksgiving/Fall?
yes

9. December Holidays--what holiday do you celebrate? What type of decorations do you like to put up in your house for that holiday?
Christmas. cranberry red colors

10. Do you have any children, if so what are their ages, boys/girls?
6 yr old daughter

11. Do you have any pets, if so what kind?
two dogs, one fish, one scorpion

12. Are you a reader? If so, what type of books do you like?
yes, all types, especially if something weird happens in the story

13. Are you celebrating a birthday or anniversary in October, November, or December? If so, what day and what is the occasion?
nope

14. Do you collect anything? If so what type of things do you collect?
decorated compacts, belly button lint

15. What type of things do you like to cook? Are you an appetizer person, cookie maker, dessert freak or a take out type of person??
easy things, appetizers and desserts

16. What is your favorite scent? Is there one that you can’t stand?
cinnamon. don't care for flowery scents

17. What’s your favorite song?
She sells Sanctuary

18. What’s the last movie you went to see at the movie theater?
Ratatouille

19. What’s your favorite Candy?
any kind of chocolate except with coconut

20. Tea or Coffee or other?
coffee

Sunday, September 23, 2007

A True Tale of Halloween

In Texas, the district courts have original jurisdiction for all criminal felony cases. If an individual is convicted of a capital felony, he or she may be subject to punishment by death, if the State sought such punishment.
In other words you try'em we fry 'em. (state motto as seen on the men's room wall of a Mr. Big Buns). As in the electric chair. Yep.

In the Knee household we embrace that philosophy, minus the death part of course.
We had an inmate fry on the fence just yesterday.
Here is a mug shot of the accused (Penny) in her cell awaiting trial.





Her canine correctional officer (Jean Knee) worked for thirty days to rehabilitate her while on probation. The accused refused to get with the program. Probation was revoked.

The trial was held on Saturday. Her attorney, Lean, regaled the court with tales of the defendant's positive community involvement. The defendant was shown to be Man's Best Friend, showering her family with love, playing fetch, and plopping down for tummy pets.

The prosecution, Drew, presented the court with eyewitness testimony and photos of the defendant assaulting a family member.






Neighborhood witnesses have seen the defendant digging in flower beds and running with local gangs.

Penny was found guilty on all charges and sentenced to yard arrest. She was fitted with a Petsafe collar to insure her compliance. The court was adjourned and family members returned to their home. Seconds later a yelp was heard. The inmate was discovered, stunned looking in the side yard.The Petsafe collar had delivered a terrifying shock when Penny attempted to escape over the fence. We were at once both horrified and amused.

No friends, in Texas crime does not pay. Shocking I'd say.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Halloween: The ONLY Holiday You'll Ever Have To Celebrate

I'm a bit disappointed in the dud-like Halloween response I have received so far.
We need to pump things up a notch. I love Halloween, and before this is over you will too. How much do I love Halloween? So much I even wrote a Halloween party book, and I have the rejection letters to prove it! Woot woot!

Halloween has it all baby. What other time of the year do you get to combine so many kewwl things? First off, it's all about candy. Give me candy or I'll bust out your head light. Here it is in capital letters: CANDY. Nuff said

Second, you get to dress up ANY way you choose. Always wanted to have eyeballs stuck to your face? Do it now, it's Halloween. Always wanted to be Gumby's sidekick Pokey? Do it now. Ever wanted to be half woman half man? Do it now. Pretzel? Do it.
Joan Crawford? Do it. A buzzy bee? Do it. Kitty cat? Do it. Death's twin sister? Do it. Sportacus? Do it. Yes I have dressed like each of those things, thanks for asking.


here's a couple of last year's dress ups

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First picture shows Lean and I dressed as "Copy Cats" Sweet little kitties with matching jeweled collars. I always wanted to dress alike with Lean so I grabbed the chance. We wore these to a Halloween party where Lean Ruined hers in the sand. Mine made me itch.

Second picture shows Lean dressed as Wendy the builder, I am dressed as "The old Year" (I carried a champagne glass and held a mask on a stick). We wore these trick or treating.

Which shows the real us? I'm not sure, but I do know this: I loved how no one could tell my gender under that shroud like cape thing. Parents kept grabbing their kids away from me and scowling when they saw little Wendy. They thought she was cute and sweet till she lunged her power drill at them. Now that is what we call fun. You can keep those kitties.

re: Halloween

The Halloween season is finally here. Check out my count down counter on the left.
Thirty nine days to get into the "spirit". Thirty nine days to decorate, generate, propagate, create,instigate, and reverberate everything you need, to do the season right.

In the spirit of the season, my usual phrase "The Outrage" will be replaced by this phrase, "The Horror". (thank you Joseph Conrad)

What will you be doing to prepare?

Thursday, September 20, 2007

D is for Doughnut; The Mighty Fortress Allows Admission

I reached the inner sanctum. I made it inside Lean's school. First I parked in the 'no parking' parking lot. I exited the car--there was no SWAT team propelling down the side of the building.

I hadn't been spotted yet. Keep walking. The doors are locked, no surprise there. I press a button; a voice tells me to enter. Here's where my re-education kicks in. I don't try to walk down the hall, instead I run into the office. Glance around. There are no wanted posters of me labeled "rule breaking parent". That's good, right?

My criminal background check must have passed. I kid you not, at the PTA meeting that you couldn't bring your children to, I had to authorize a criminal background check on myself so that I'd be allowed to enter the building with doughnuts.

I am 5 -five- minutes early so I am retained in the office until exactly 2:15 pm.
Naughty me, here I thought being early was a virtue. Finally I'm allowed to walk down the hall to Lean's room. I swear I heard a chorus of angels.

I won't bore you with the details, suffice it to say I only broke one -1- rule with my habitually criminal self. Lean wanted doughnuts with sprinkles. Frosting is forbidden in the inner sanctum. Well, I bet you saw this coming, sprinkles refuse to adhere to doughnuts without that wicked frosting to stick to.
So I frosted them. Lightly. And rolled them in a huge bowl of sprinkles to hide that forbidden frosting. Looked great, no white showing through. Every thing's cool.

No one drops their doughnut on the carpet. But then the unexpected happens, sprinkles begin to pop off doughnuts left and right. Onto the carpet. I brought a bottle of Resolve carpet cleaner with me in case of carpet-frosting soiling. I was unprepared for sprinkle mutiny. I tried to scoop them up. Nothing doing.
The dustbuster was at home, stupid place for it.

Doughnut dining over.

What do you suppose the sprinkle re-education will be like?

Monday, September 17, 2007

Urinals On The Street: The Post That Exposes New Trends

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Little did I know as I dived into the underbelly of international urinals just how deeply I would plunge.
First stop, Amsterdam, city of iniquity, home of hemp, place for the red light hump. Now host to something more.

The act of urinating on building walls and doorways was one so prevalent in Amsterdam that the masonry began to decay. Downtown streets began to reek; a solution had to be found before the entire city collapsed under a heap of urine soaked ruins. The lack of public restrooms as well as the practice of charging customers for use of facilities brought this problem to a head.
Why pay when you can spray?







Wouldn't the sight of this make anyone want to relieve themselves elsewhere?









The perfect solution seemed to be putting open air urinals on sidewalks and street corners">




yes, that's just what I thought
WTF kitty

Seems like this would have been sufficient? Now the problem wasn't where to go but how to direct the stream. Bad aim equals unsanitary urinals. Again sanitary engineers put their heads together to come up with a solution; put targets in the urinals so users have something to aim for. Images of flies were first used as targets and now some urinals even have an interactive video game inside. Does this remind anyone of teaching Jr. to aim by floating a cheerio in the toilet?

What's next, an electric shock if you miss?


Thailand loved the idea of having outdoor urinals at night for the passing drunkards but found them unsightly during the day. Hence their urinals disappear into the ground during the day. Abracadabra.


At least in China there is a screen to hide the waist area of its users.



Mexico goes high tech by installing into their urinals a device that says in a woman's voice "Hey, big guy.Having a few drinks? Think you've had one too many?" The message ends with: "Remember, the future is in your hand."





Vienna sports a urinal in the shape of a woman's mouth. Several similar ones were offered by Ebay, but were soon removed for bad taste.

My favorite photo comes from New Zealand. The walls of the restroom are covered with leering women. I'm sure any day now there will be outdoor urinals available there due to an epidemic of urine related performance anxiety.


This is urinal reporter Jean Knee signing off. Next up: Why male hand washing is down.

Little Things That "Pissoir" Me Off

Coming soon, in her first ever expose' Jean Knee blows the lid off urinal culture.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The Wavin' Guy

Every town has one or two. You know, those quirky downtown characters. My favorite is the wavin' guy

He's about 65, neatly dressed with a button down shirt tucked into khakis. He has an impressive assortment of new-looking baseball caps. He walks all over downtown, all the time. Everyone knows him. Why? Because he's the wavin' guy. He waves all over downtown, all the time.

He has several different waves. The jaunty little "hey there" wave, a gentle back and forth motion. The "hey, do you see me wavin'?" wave, a back and forth wave with a half turn that follows you. And, finally, the spastic " I can't stop wavin'" wave,a jerky kind of Heil Hitler wave. This last one occurs quite often, even when no one's around.

I always wave at the wavin' guy, even if he doesn't exactly see me. That guy always makes my day. I never thought about him being recognised by anyone else until yesterday. He's always just been MY downtown wavin' guy.

Yesterday Drew and I were downtown and Drew said, "There's the waving man."
"Hmmm, you know the wavin guy?", I sputtered.
" Yeah, the guy who waves to everyone".
"The spastic one who can't stop wavin at stuff?"
"No, he waves at people. You know, the waving man".
"It must be a different one". I can't possibly share my wavin' guy.

We drive back to take a look. Yep, it's the wavin' guy all right.
Me, "He just waves, I don't think it's at anyone specifically, he has some kind of neurological thing going on."
Drew, " He looks right at you and waves."

Hmmmmmmmm......... (ever notice I go hmmm a lot?)

I look at the wavin' guy (I'm always driving when I wave to him so I don't get to pay too much attention, but, this time I'm the passenger) he looks right at me and gives me a huge double wave. I wave back.

Wow, he really was waving at me. I almost feel famous.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Hostage

I barely got away to write this. I don't think "they" noticed. At least not yet. I'm being held hostage in my very own home. Worse yet, no ransom has been demanded
nor any offered for my release.

The household pets will not allow me a moment's peace. They demand my constant attention.

Penny has had to be confined to a kennel at night so she won't scale the fence and escape with the neighborhood canine delinquents. Her release in the morning begins my Home Hostage Experience:

I play with and pet dogs until they calm down. Then I escape indoors. First I usually hear scuffling and snorting. Go outside. Penny is, as usual, beating up Polka Dot. Correction ensues. Escape indoors. Repeat five or six times until Penny is tired.

Then comes the sound of a foghorn. Penny has kennel cough. Go outside, pat dog on back until all clear. Repeat...Repeat

Escape indoors. Check on Cupcake, my geriatric fish. He's in his usual coma, check.
Put food in fish bowel to soften.

Repeat snuffle, snort, foghorn.

Shake Cupcake awake, make sure he eats.

Open front door. There's Penny, come for a visit. She is put in doggy jail (kennel ) for fifteen minutes for her fence hopping shenanigans.

Check fish. He's on bottom of bowel. I lift him up to his anemone with a spoon.

Suddenly I hear scraping sounds. Look outside. Penny is trying to dig up the septic tank. Doggy jail 15 minutes.

Escape inside. Soften more food for Cupcake.

Repeat...Repeat...Repeat....repeat.....Repeat... Repeat....

SIGH

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Wordless Wednesday Mr. Cocka- Doodle- Doo Dresses like a " My Little Unicorn" (he's been reading my blog)

My Little Pony Party

Lean had her My Little Pony Party on Saturday. I must admit that it was the lamest birthday party I have ever given. Lean Didn't even notice. I passed out paper towels in place of napkins that's how prepared I was.



This is the favor table.


















Here is her cake. She decorated it herself with candy and every type of sprinkle known to man.

Partay Hartay

That's uh , right. party

It was discovered by me that two of you like looking at party stuff. Starting sometime I will be putting up party stuff and kid's crafts. I may eventually make a party blog. Please do not feel you have to comment cause it will be the same stuff over and over or slight variations.

Don't worry, I'll still be spewing nonsense on my posts

More Pony

The girls wore "pony" tails in their hair




The ponies got all glammed up with hair clips, pony skirts (those hair ribbon things) and pony wigs


Here they are after their visit to the pony parlor


A few of the ponies are baldies after having their hair brushed too often...but




presto chango here they are with their pony wigs,....fabulous

Monday, September 10, 2007

The Sparkly Unicorn Parade

Unicorn; mystical, mythical or myopical?
unicorn vs dolphin (i'm betting on the dolphin)
making video surveilance seem innocent byputting unicorn headband on it?





Saturday, September 8, 2007

These Are A Few Of Her Favorite Things


There is a special blogger out there who feels a little shy about expressing her soft side. I am posting some of the things she loves but is afraid to embrace.






href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_vmk7t6U1H8U/RuL8iv_JQhI/AAAAAAAAARo/Hg4lEEgC8CU/s1600-h/ziggy">




this post is dedicated to elasticwaistbandlady. LOL